The end of a year

This year, I have decided to post a paper I recently wrote for class. I hope you enjoy it. I think the musings about my professional future and personal development dovetail nicely with a long-term goal sorta season. The comics included are Calvin and Hobbes and I don't own them at all. They are the work and copyright of Bill Watterson and are available on the internet at gocomics.com. I encourage you to purchase them if you don't already own a copy or at very least spending time to read them online. I doubt you'll regret it. Without Further ado, here it is. (the formatting is a bit odd in spots. Edit: the wonky formatting has been fixed!)

Dear Future Self,

I have taken the time to write this to you today as a means to get a good grade in class. I’m sure you remember the stress of grades right? No? Excellent, I was hoping I’d forget eventually. What’s that you say? I can’t possibly know what you’d say so I should stop pretending to have a conversation with myself and instead just write the letter and be done with it? Fine! But I’m leaving that odd sentence there just to spite you.

As you well know, open ended writing assignments are either wonderfully good for us, (yep, we’re a group now) or they’re really bad and tend to ramble on. If at some point you do re-read this, please try to remember that we were far worse at the whole writing thing at one point… and hopefully you’re looking at this as the idle typing of a silly amateur (because that means we did get better eventually). Despite my current writing skill (or lack thereof) I want to remind you of a few things that I’ve found true so far and that I hope you still hold dear.

My first bit of advice is the same that Karl shared with us back when we were at the studio. Stay Hungry. Don’t ever settle for being 100% satisfied with where you’re at. If you get too comfortable and put your feet up then you’ll just gain too much weight and eat too many donuts. And while donuts are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, getting lazy and not striving to be better is a death by inches. Eventually you’ll get so bad that you’ll just aggravate yourself and then the road back to a good place will be that much harder. Keep at it, and stay hungry for just a little bit more. Sure there will be the days that we set a new low for the spectrum of comparison, but don’t be content to just crumble into failure, stay hungry and remember that Dad’s best days continued right up until the end. Strive to do the same.

I’m now going to include a wonderful little comic: (don’t worry I’ll explain why)



Good ol’ Calvin and Hobbes. But he’s right. It is scandalous how little teachers get paid. Don’t let
economic issues keep you from doing something worth doing. Don’t ever go back to working for a
paycheck and living only through your downtime. You came back to pursue teaching for a reason and if that reason becomes invalid, MOVE ON! There are countless places that you could find yourself where you’re doing something worthwhile, don’t get stuck in a place where you don’t make a difference. Even if you somehow lucked out enough to find a wife and were brave enough to have kids, don’t let that drive you to mediocrity. IF they were crazy enough to be with you, it’s not because you’re boring it’s because you were bold and passionate and crazy enough to throw everything on the line to pursue something of value. Right now that looks like teaching, but you might have something else in your sights, go for it.

Be wrong. Don’t fear being incorrect or making mistakes. The best stories are born from failure,
and the victories we value most were pulled back from the brink of defeat. Don’t fear telling your
students that you messed up if you did. They’ll probably know it when it happens, and do you remember how we respected the teachers who did with us? Sure, control your classroom and be confident in what you know and what you have to offer your students. But to err is human. Also remember the rule for cooking? If you’re not making mistakes you’re not trying hard enough. Teaching is the same way, innovate and grow and make mistakes. It’s ok.

Be happy. I know times will be hard and the whole idea of a worst day automatically assumes that it’s only the worst day so far. I know we’re good at being hard on ourselves and that we’ve already got a pile of failures that are easily referenced. But don’t let the crud be who you are. Be silly, be alive, and be happy. Your students may not be able to define the difference if you are or not, but you know it matters. If something is so fundamentally tough that you can’t live and teach with joy, then deal with it. Don’t be content to just suffer through. Be happy, and don’t stifle your students when they are either.

And now another comic!



Remember who you were. Don’t get too bent out of shape if you get students who make the same mistakes we did. In fact take the opportunity to extend the same grace that helped shape us into who we are today to those who need it most. You won’t have any trouble with having high expectations or pushing for excellence so try to remember grace. You wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without tons of it.

Be passionate. Remember how dad taught us that if something was worth caring about it was worth being passionate about too? Be alive! Bring whatever you’re teaching to life for your students. They deserve to know that things matter and that being wide eyed and wild around the edges iswhere brilliance happens. I know you’re going into the subjects that kids love to hate, but they do really matter. And the ones that’ll love them deserve to know that it’s ok to go nuts. Even if that never happens, make your students ask why you care.

Don’t stop learning. Once we finally get that stupid piece of paper, and the other one that says we can teach, don’t settle for just knowing what is needed to teach the classes we end up with. We’re smarter than that keep reading, keep learning, and remember the great teachers who we wish we were, Dr. Holmes, Dr. Eckman, Dr. Cremean, Mr. Derrick, and many others. They were all brilliant, but they never stopped learning new things. You admired them because they taught you so much… but they also tried to learn from you. Your students are repositories of knowledge you could never possibly find on your own. Learn from them as you try to teach them.

Be flexible. You are a creature of habit and your natural environment is a well-worn routine. Don’t let that be your trademark in the classroom. Sure, build routines that work and set up structures that allow for growth, but you know as a student that no class is ever the same. So once you’re teaching don’t let that become your mindset either. You’re the captain of the ship, but you’re not going to get anywhere useful if you don’t respond and adapt to your students. Let them use their voice in your classroom, they’ll need it to succeed and you know you’ll love seeing them grow into who they ought to be.

Never stop caring. If you’re following my advice so far your students shouldn’t ever need to ask if you care. They should know with bedrock conviction that you care. Don’t let that be a lie. If you care about your job more than your students, you’re doing it wrong. If you stop caring entirely then you need to quit. You remember how it was at other jobs, when it was time to move on it became really tempting to stop caring, especially when it seemed so easy not to. I know we’ve got a HUGE list of times where caring has caused us pain… but it’s worth it. Even though we don’t have anything to show for it, we care. That’s who we are. I know I’ve probably changed a lot over time, but that can never change. Don’t let it happen.

Don’t go it alone. All of my advice is great (I would say that wouldn’t I?) but it’ll be near impossible to do it without accountability and encouragement. You know the times we’ve tried to do it on our own and how that’s turned out. Don’t struggle in the dark, don’t fight without allies. Don’t go it alone! If for some reason we end up in a place where human community is scarce, don’t neglect your relationship with the Lord. Never once has He left us on our own, so don’t try to pretend you can do anything good without Him.



Finally, I leave you with this. You are better and wiser than I am. Sure you might have more scars and more history behind you. But you’ve grown in ways I cannot possibly imagine right now. Whatever the road holds between here and there, it matters little in comparison to the fact that you’re still standing. You have succeeded in things I could only hope for, and failed at things that I haven’t dared to try. You are the me I’m supposed to be, and whatever that looks like, do me one favor. Keep your eyes open, it’s going to be a wild ride, and we’re not done just yet.

-You/Me/Nick

The King is Dead.

There will be storms… Wise words from a great man. A man who worked harder than I could possibly imagine, yet who would giggle and laugh with his grandkids at the most peculiar things, it was always hard to tell if we were laughing because of something he’d said or done, or something we had…

The same man who in the midst of mourning his wife, and two of his sons, was loving and taught me how a man mourns. That true dignity lies in genuine grief. That a man doesn’t cry, until he does. And when it comes time a man mourns openly and honestly. A steadfast titan that even in the shadow of unspeakable pain, I never let myself consider losing. And once again the world has changed. The king is dead.

My mother told me a story on her way through town a few short weeks ago. How grandpa was sitting with her listening to a radio sermon about the storms of this life.

“there WILL be storms.” He said to her.

“Will be? don’t you think you’re in the middle of a storm right now?” My mother replied, no doubt thinking of the many health issues he’d suffered recently and the incredible loss of his wife and two of his sons in past years.

“No... no.” He replied. “I’m smoothly sailing home.”

And tonight He did just that. And we are faced with once again saying farewell to a titan. You’d think the last few years would have prepared me for this… but nothing ever could. And that is the way it should be.

So, Farewell Grandpa. You were loved more than I could ever properly express. If it’s not too much trouble give Grandma a hug from me, and try not to get into too much trouble with your boys. Whatever you do don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine, you taught us well what it means to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.

Rest easy, We’ll see you again soon.

Who says I'm hard to buy for?!

My friends and family know me well... My birthday recently flew past and my near and dear types have always complained that I'm almost as hard to buy for as my father was. However I don't feel like this is true... and this year I definitely think that they have proven themselves wrong.

Take for instance this delight that was handed to me by a cafeteria worker midway through my day. Courtesy of my mother:

What is in this mysterious bag? currently... air. But when it was given to me it was full nigh unto overflowing with delicious chocolate chip cookies, all of which have been consumed... I know better than to let baked goods go stale ;)

Or this delight that arrived this very morning, courtesy of my wonderfully eccentric little brother (and the gift that started this train of thought)

And through the power of science it transforms intoooooo

A propane lantern! (ignore the other mess)

Yep, It's weird. But I've been putting together a set of camping gear over the last few years and this is one of those things that is high-quality and durable enough for me to use for the rest of my life. I almost want to get a propane can and test it out right away... but Buck (my RA) might not approve of me having fires in my room. Even a well controlled fire like this lantern. 

And last but certainly not least another friend here locally got me this:

A piece of paper with which I can acquire donuts from a wonderful bakery a few blocks away. 

Combine these with the fact that many people were upset that they didn't know it was my birthday and wanted to wish me all the best... and a host of emails, texts, facebook posts, and letters... 

I honestly have to say that the trend of difficult and painful things happening on my birthday is solidly broken. Which despite the annoyance of my pessimism being proven wrong, it's nice to know I am richly blessed. 

The one that should have had a birthday.

Sometimes when I start writing I just get to the end and hate what I've written, delete it all and go to bed (which has happened a lot since I got here), sometimes when I re-read old posts I wish that I had done that more often.

Sometimes I feel like I've discovered some kernel of brilliance inside myself and managed to squeeze that onto the 'page'. And sometimes I read things that make me seem like a 5 year old kid with crayons...

Today is a little bit of all of those things I think... so before I go any further I want to share something I shamelessly lifted from my sisters facebook page (with permission)



I miss being able to pick up my phone and hear his voice on the other end. I miss his advice and his constant ability to speak life and encouragement that made me feel safe and loved. I miss the way he believed in me. And the way he loved my mom and sacrificed for our family. I miss the way He pursued the Lord and how inspiring his walk with God was. I miss his animated laugh and the way I could picture his goofy smile just by the inflection of his voice. I miss his tall and strong dad hugs. I miss watching and talking fall sports with him and having him cheering me on at all my races and games. I miss that he would (try to) explain car and budget and insurance stuff to me.

And I miss teasing him about being my old man, because now I realize that today would have only been 55 and that's not old at all. 

Here's to the life you lived, Dad. You lived one heck of a good one, and I'm so crazy lucky to be part of your legacy.

-Alida Oegema


Sometimes... I don't have words, and it just hurts. But I know this... that the same God that was faithful through chronic fatigue, raising 4 kids, marriage, cancer, and everything in between, Is the same God who was there in that strangely shaped corner room when we stood and learned that there is a way to die well, and that it has everything to do with how you lived.

Well done Dad, we'll see you soon.

-Nick

Enough whining.. here's a good thing.

Ten days? wow... I'm really off my game.

Let's see... since I last wrote some things have happened and whatnot. but enough of that catching up and informing of things, this is after all a break from hermaneutics homework and thus should be celebrated by a nice solid ramble!

Hmm... I think I'll start with a few things that God has worked for my benefit since I've been here. First and foremost I couldn't imagine how easy and solidly I've connected at the church I'm at. I went to it because a friend invited me and because I promised several camp types that I would... When I agreed to both of those conditions I figured that I would just use it as the first in my line of church hopping before I settled on something strange, or decided to incorporate bedside baptist into my rotation and really focus on what Pastor pillow had to teach me.

Fortunately someone had better plans than I did. (read: hallelujah!) and that first visit stuck like a slug thrown against a brick wall. Not just because they feed us breakfast (which is a powerful motivator for us college types) but because of the power and passion of the teaching we get every week. Especially the last three sermons I've heard.

The first (available online here just go to sermons and then using money to build eternal relationships) was a tough one about using money as a tool. Combining that with a bit I've been reading in my wellness textbook about how certain disorders are partially classified by time spent thinking about them. I was really convicted about how I handle my money...
a) that I spend waaay too much time thinking about my lack of it and my debt.
b) that I don't use what I do have wisely to build relationships
c) that I'm not investing what I do have (non monetary things) very well either

So I resolved to pray about it and continue to struggle through making that better... and then a short two days later our pastor (also a professor here at Grace) spoke in chapel. He spoke about how when we worry and agonize over our anxieties that our God is too small. That if we TRULY believe that God is in control that we can present our prayers and supplications and then go to sleep peacefully because He's got it. And if we're concerned about people we can trust that He loves them FAR MORE than we do. It stuck with me and now I get to be anxious about how anxious I am... ;)

and then this last sunday we began a series in the book of Romans. I cannot tell you how nervous I am about this because I've been subjected (and blessed too) by sermon series that go through Romans. By the time it's done I hate the book... and just want something, anything different. But at the same time I'm looking forward to what I've got to learn this go around, an attitude I've never really had.

so that's what I got. For the sake of making me write again soon I'll end here and leave you with a quote that I think is appropriate.

"assume I can do things that make sense." -Dr. Eckman

-Nick

Not the post I envisioned when the week began

I started writing this update several times, but time and time again I found myself defeated by the maze in my own mind. I'd get lost in frustration or anger, or distracted by opportunity and joy. I often had other things clamor for my attention, some necessary and good like homework and time spent with dear friends, and some less so, like flash games and news feeds.

I wrestled with my mind and spirit time and time again and learned much, but understood little. And yes... this all happened this week. I'd like to share a few of the things that I learned this week... It is entirely possible that at some point you'll think less of me, but I also hope that you'll know me better.

I started off the week a bit behind... due to a bit of craziness and whatnot over the weekend I was not as on top of my homework as I would have liked, so the week became a dance between meeting deadlines (I made all but one of em) and maintaining my 'normal' life. Normal being eating food and sleeping enough n whatnot. I also had a few curveballs thrown my way in regards to the AC unit I've got sitting on my floor (and not making cold air in the window like it should be) and suchlike. I felt pulled in too many directions and as the temperature at night continued to climb I had lots of sleepless time to fume and grumble. Time better spent in prayer and battling my own flaws... but that took me a few nights to arrive at (I'm kinda dumb sometimes).

I felt the stirrings of unease about this becoming home. I knew a few people here... many of those that I do are great friends, but they've got one foot out the door or they're quite busy with their own stuff. I've had a hard time building my own space, and thus I have slowly felt the slow spiral toward me just snapping, or the darkness of a full shutdown looming. So tonight I took some time off... refused a host of things that I was struggling to decide between anyway and just decided that today was mine. Mine to walk the twisted corridors of my brain and spend some much needed time in contemplation and prayer. The only downside is that I haven't prioritized this kind of time since I moved here... and I think I might have initially offended some people with how I did so, especially since when I let myself get too worn down I'm less diplomatic about it. Combine that with the fact that a dear friend is back in town for the day (which I didn't know ahead of time) and it looks like I'm just being a bit of a jerk. Which I can't help but think is a bit true, but is still necessary.

In other news I'd like to share a few things that are worth recommending:

This  is a post my little sister posted a few days ago. It hit me fairly solidly as I was melting in my little closet of a room. Home is an ethereal thing and I'm still rebuilding one to rest in.

This  is another post I read a short time ago and perhaps reminded me of one of the reasons this place is tough for me. As any long-term readers know I lost my father last January, and now moving this far away from home I've also severed what little regular contact I had with my mum. I haven't really needed my parents for years thanks to their incredible efforts and training in that direction... this article highlights something that I miss. And articulates one of the many voids my father left in his wake.

So here I sit... Tomorrow morning a new week begins with the breaking of bread and worship together... I don't have a lot of clarity nor have I resolved the turmoil of my thoughts. But I know that He who brought me here is able, and despite my myriad of failures in all other things His call remains the same to Love Him with everything.

In my mind it's a bit like this...



When I think of everything else I should be doing better I get a little overwhelmed... but know Him better? that I can aspire to.

-Nick

The one in a bottle.

The following is a mysterious blog post that arrived via bottle. It should serve as evidence that I am in fact not-dead. You can blame the timeliness of its arrival on ocean currents and various other fancy things that make it sound less like I didn't get to it until now.

On the road again! ish... I'm currently in a town name Beatrice. why would I be in a town where they abuse rice you might ask? well... you sit right there and I'll tell you. I'm here because... I am here!

Actually I'm here because a friend of mine grew up here and decided that she was going to come see her family on this long weekend, and naturally being the social butterfly that she is she roped a few of us into going with her. (and me being the crazy person that I am I said sure! why not!)

Long story short we got here and participated in such wild and crazy activities like... nap-time! and watching the red green show! also walking around parks, eating Chinese food, and gobs (or at least smackarels) of good conversations.

It was a great weekend, very restful and encouraging. I only wish it had lasted a bit longer... *insert ominous foreshadowing music* but that is a different blog post indeed.

The one with a tree.

Here is a cool tree... under which I sat for several hours reading a book. At another point later in the week I spent even more hours sitting under this tree venting to a dear friend. Both times I had a squirrel throw some wee lil acorns at my head. I love this tree... and the fact that they actually have real trees here.

-N

The one where I'm going to bed before midnight! (just barely)

If you aint' got nothing good to write, don't write nothing at all?

The advantage and disadvantage of not having an AC unit in my room is that I can't really go to bed before the sun has been down a few hours... which is good because thanks to having lots of good friends and adjusting to new schedules I've been having lots of late nights.

I don't really have much else that I'm ready to put on the Interwebs for everyone to see. Suffice it to say that my mind is a fickle thing and there are few things that mess with it more than being tired. Hope this finds you all well and that you're not too disappointed by the lack of content.

Just keep swimming...

Here I sit at the end of the first week of school. I'm pretty worn out but it has been a good week. I've done fairly well at sticking to the crazy (at least for me) things I planned on doing. Things that come naturally to some like leaving their door propped open when they're in the dorm, or like participating in campus activities as much as possible. It's not that I'm chasing some misconception of a "college experience" but the last thing I want to do is isolate myself from the community around me. That is after all what I'm here for eh?

I did think a bit about it right before I decided not to skip an activity earlier this evening. I was reminded of the idea to "be where you are". Instead of looking too far ahead to camp, or midterms, or trying to line things up for after graduation (whenever that is) I should instead just be happy with where I'm at and try to engage where I'm at.

I don't really know the pace of life here yet. Nor do I feel like I'm excelling at anything yet. I'm barely keeping up with the homework load (hopefully aided by my books arriving on monday) and the problem with a small school is that all the returning students know everyone already, they're friendly but they've got a lot of history and that takes time to break through.

Also I fully realize that it's possible that other students here will read this. I'm trying not to be too self-conscious about it... because I still think it's worth it. And besides, true community takes a bit of vulnerability right?

-N
p.s. the photo is of a spot in downtown Omaha, I did not take it but I was there a few hours ago.

What's all this then?

I was impressed with the message at chapel tonight. So much so that it pushed me over the edge on something I've been considering for (checks the date on my last post) 7 days.

Tonight we heard a message about being afraid of success and how stupid that Idea really is. The Pastor used the example of Gideon and how even after God had proven his power and authority Gideon continued to ask for strange things to help overcome his concerns... As he was speaking I couldn't help but think that fit me eerily well.

Allow me to explain (or ramble). I recently (this morning) started attending Grace University after a few years away from academia. I dropped out of school at BHSU a few years ago, somewhat by choice and somewhat to avoid being removed from attendance due to rapidly declining grades. I struggled personally and spiritually for several years after that... and spent a long time recovering from that major failure in my life.

Back in December I felt convicted that it was time to allow redemption of that season of my life. So with that goal in mind I looked a few schools and quickly narrowed the field down to Grace. I applied and was accepted and decided to pursue this path without ever having been here. I just felt so clear that this was where I needed to be.

Now... I look around and I'm beginning to see the first fruits of why that might have been, But at the same time I can't help but be incredibly nervous due to the expectations of those around me, and that I hold for myself. I don't feel entirely confident that I can handle what is to come, and the incredible fear and pressure of not clearing this hurdle. But at the same time... I'm here for a reason, and Deut 31:6 echoes in my head almost constantly. I somewhat feel a captive to the calling that brought me here, but I also feel the prompting of the Lord that I love.

Because I have depended on this method of thinking and sharing where I'm at in a more genuine way than facebook status updates or text messages I've decided to continue. I don't know how frequently or any regular content guidelines yet (I imagine it'll be semi-similar to camp to start). But let's be honest, I've never really been good at keeping within the lines I drew in the past either so we'll just see what happens.

So here it is, Chapter 3 of the N quadrant, The Omahaian (or whatever you call someone from this city) Exile.

2.55 The one at the end, or the beginning...

As I post this... I just want to say thank you. Thank you to all of you that have faithfully read and encouraged over the course of two summers. Thank you to all of you that mentioned you read what I wrote and that it meant something to you. I could not have done this without that boost. I also am grateful for those that supported me financially and who kept me in your prayers. 

Without further ado... the last post of the summer. 

I was incredibly blessed to have a desire of mine satisfied by someone else at the end of camp. Our beloved Captain (as previously mentioned) arranged through his own labor and provision to provide a last supper for the staff on Friday night. Some of our number chose not to remain for a host of reasons but it was remarkably well attended. The food was simple, heartwarming, and delicious not only because of our fatigue but because of the quality and skill in its preparation. I recall many times at rainbow where we sat down to eat and said farewell (sometimes for the last time) and raised a toast to a job well done. I was blessed to do that again with this motley assortment of people before we went our separate ways.

I recall two years ago sitting in the end of the year meeting and sharing that through some insane process I had gone from this place being a place filled with strangers (none of which I had met) to a new family that I loved. Now a few years later I am filled with joy that even though I say farewell to some... This ministry is a part of my life, and as long as I am allowed to be involved I will do all I can to provide that opportunity to others.

I also cannot help but remember midway and at the end of last summer where we were so tired and frustrated that we could only put one foot in front of the other and just fight to keep moving but knowing we had to... compared to the joy of the race this year, not that last year wasn't good because it was. But that this year was better (the hope for every season eh?).

Since the crowd has dispersed and camp has once again become eerily quiet I look around and I see the ghosts and memories of a powerful place. I sit at the campfire as I write this and I can't help but remember dozens of campfire songs (or dozens of renditions of the same campfire song). I see the place where I first talked with my friend Kristy and how that inspired our annual “how are you” conversation that goes way beyond the simple answers. I see the road in front of cabins where I've deterred fights and stayed up late to make kids feel safe, and in the same place where I've seen pillow fights, and soda drinking contests... I see a line of kids singing African songs parading around camp, and I can hear the screeching of kids running for cover when the bizarre rainstorms hit. I hear the crack of rifles and the irregular chunk of a tomahawk hitting a target.

I look out over the hills and valleys and I remember hikes during training this year and last. If I look close enough I can see my friend Hunter running across the tops of the cliffs trying to get his space and spend time with the Lord he so obviously loves. I remember flag tag, grog, blop-blop, capture the flag, mission impossible, and alpha wolf. I can see three years of wranglers acting crazy at 10pm even when they got up at 5.

I remember walks with the captain and by myself, times when I was so broken I didn't know what to do. I remember pouring my soul out on this parched dirt not knowing what it would yield and being humbled by the grace and peace given through the people and places around me. I remember tears and blood shed in countless places to keep this work going and the faithfulness of so many different people.

I remember powerful men, incredible in their meekness and abundant in love, passion, and wisdom. I have witnessed them lead young boys without ever talking, and I've seen young eyes soak that in and want to be those men. I have stood among them and felt unworthy of their company, and blessed by their friendship.

I remember gracious women, never weak or breakable, but vulnerable and nurturing. I have seen mama bears rise up to protect the weakest among us and I've seen hugs and tears offered without judgment or condemnation. I have marveled from afar and am humbled that I call them friends and sisters.

I have stumbled and fallen time and time again. When a follower I've had leaders who pick me up and inspire me to greatness. When I aspire to lead I've had those around me who are gracious and kind to my mistakes and stumbling. And when I succeed I cannot help but give God the glory and those standing with me my gratitude.

Now I sit on the edge of a cliff... in a few short days I'll be moved in at school, and the next chapter begins. I know this is where I'm supposed to go, but I've never been there and know very few people there. But then again... this place I sit right now was strange and foreign three summers ago as well. Despite the speed bumps (and they are many as some of you know) It's time to stop swinging my feet here and hope the cliff breaks so I don't have to actually jump. Parachute or no... here we go!

2.54 The one that ends out the week of camp.

First off, this is not the end of the year wrap up. That's still coming... I figured I'd better end out the report on the week as a counselor before I try to say anything worth saying about the summer in general or the last week.

Thursday was a great day, we had a successful round of activities with my kiddos including rappelling (which they all tried, even if 3 of them decided not to go all the way down after a few feet) and a craft n whatnot. Typically Thursdays are the 'late' night for a counselor since all week we delay the kids who ask to stay up late and tell them that Thursday we will stay up late. Due to rain, behavioral issues, and just general tiredness a few of the counselors talked their guys into going to bed on time (or near it). Also a tradition that I've always been a bit envious of is that some of the counselors camp outside with their kids on thursdays... so not to be outdone or intimidated by these great counselors past, or the rain that was on the horizon, me and my 5 boys headed out of the cabin and camped out on the floor of the forts. As predicted it almost immediately began raining, thankfully it was fairly vertical rain so the roof of the fort protected us from the worst of it and allowed us to keep our sleeping bags dry, after about an hour of this (passed quickly with incredibly entertaining conversation and some really insightful questions about what it means to be a christian) it started to rain in typical Wyoming fashion, which is to say it began to rain sideways. This wouldn't be such a big deal except for the fact that the fort has an open window in all four walls. We rearranged so we weren't in the direct rain spot, but we could see a square puddle forming in the middle of the room. Somewhat unlike me I decided that I'd be a good example and suggest that we pray that despite the rain we'd stay dry and that we could even go so far as to pray that they rain leaves us alone. Being the great group of guys that I had they were really gung ho about this idea and 3 of them quickly volunteered for the honor of praying for us, it was quick and sincere and as the last word of “amen” was voiced the last raindrop hit the floor. From a downpour to nothing in a split second... and even when the drizzle resumed a few hours later the wind didn't return until the rain was done so the roof was more than sufficient to keep us dry.

The morning came early for me, but my boys slumbered on oblivious after sunrise all the way until I awoke them (as late as I thought we could without being late to breakfast). They happily cleaned out the fort and stumbled down the road with their bedrolls and we hit the ground running on the day. After a few short hours they boarded cars or buses and went home to their normal places and despite my exhaustion I felt a little part of me go with them. I wanted to do this job (counseling) again because I remembered it being a joy... I didn't remember as clearly the pain of putting yourself on the line for a week and hoping and praying that it makes an impact in the lives of these young men and women.

I reluctantly participated in cleaning and couldn't help but think that if I just cleaned the next bed maybe they wouldn't notice if I just slept in it for just a second... cleanliness was achieved and the good captain treated us to some delicious dead animal and whatnot for our last supper. I've been told I did a good job counseling this last week... I don't know if that's true but I do know that I loved doing it, I think I made an impact on my kids, and that the experience will make me a better wrangler, board member (if they ask me back) and director.

(the end of the year one is coming soon, it's usually very long and rambling and with the internet as annoying as it is right now it might need to be posted from town)  

2.53 The one about lake day n stuff

Yesterday was a great lake day. We got going in the morning and arrived at the lake mid-morning at which point I got the interesting challenge of making a point of playing with my kids while being blind... and not being able to see my kids. (or at least pick them out of a crowd of 100)

I got a few minutes to get caught up with a good camp friend (our annual check in) oddly it wasn't at a campfire this time but it was good. Unfortunately I feel like I talked for most of it... and I might have cried a bit during parts of the 'how has the last year been' thing. But even with that it was a blessing.

We returned to camp and the evening went fairly well, the only trick is that a few of the boys here have decided to stage games of hide-and-seek whenever they can, so those of us in guy cabins are really having to stay on our toes just to keep them accounted for. Really thankful for the fact that they do get worn out by the end of the day so bedtimes are relatively quick.

Today is another day of activities! My group gets to go rappelling among other things and I'm looking forward to it. We also are planning some sort of cabin party or stay-up-late thing tonight, and I'm not sure what that'll look like, but if the blog post tomorrow doesn't come until the evening (or at all) that is likely the culprit you can blame.

and breakfast approaches, back to it!

-Nick

2.52 The one about saturday and counseling.

Merry Wednesday to ya!

Saturday (as promised) was a great day, and a rough one all at the same time. I started out the day sleeping in for a while (yay!) and then discovered that there was very little food for the weekend (boo!) and even fewer of which was desirable (boo!) so a small group of us headed into town to run a few errands involving my wayward and non-functional car (very boo!) and the laundromat (meh).

Now to put the car woes in perspective, I somehow misplaced my keys in the last 2 weeks (^&*^&%) while my car was stranded in torington after it died a while back. I remembered that I normally keep a spare in the car so we used a nice lil coat hanger and broke in (yay!) during which someone called the cops on us (kinda neutral, annoying for us, good for the community) but the officer that responded was entertaining and kinda cute (yay!). From there we discovered that I did not have a spare in there anymore... (booooo)

I then made a flurry of phone calls on monday to various car-y type places, to get the car towed (it still is broken, we still don't know why) and to get a key made (so the other guys can work on why it's broken).
All of those things are in progress and I haven't heard anything since monday morning... (no news is good news maybe?) Please be praying about this... even if the car is dead for good I don't want to spend much learning that is a thing.

Counseling is a blast, I got a group of 5 boys and am paired with a group of 5 girls. The group we got is full of challenges and Monday-Tuesday lunch was a struggle to get them to stay as a group, participate, etc. but yesterday afternoon our boys anyway were much better about being involved.

I also got to have a bit of an impromptu hike with another camper who got a little overwhelmed by things and needed some space... it was 'fun' and as the mild sunburn fades in and the dehydration fades into memory... it actually was a bit enjoyable, and at very least it was quite memorable.

Thus far I love being a counselor again, It is filled with challenges I expected and many that I didn't know. I am glad to have this opportunity and the wranglers seem pretty happy without me looking over their shoulders.

Because I've got to get back to my cabin (my boys alarm goes off any minute) I'll throw the rest of the stuff I've got into a list for prayer, perusal, or whatnot.

-Pray that the group continues to grow closer and that friendships improve.
-I've got school coming up, and a move on top of that...
-School costs money and that stresses me out
-This is the last week of camp, and in about 55 hours we're done for the season
-When I get stressed my shoulders get all tense.. i'm doing the best I can with ibuprofen but it's still uncomfortable
-today is lake day
-there are 80 kids here for our camp this week (the largest one all summer)
-there are 160+ people here at camp this week (the largest group during any week)
 -a host of other things I don't have time to extrapolate...

I love you mysterious reader. May this find you well and may your adventures this season have been as magnificent as mine (or far more so)

-Nick

2.51 The one where i write a lot of things about a lot of things.

Wow... I think that's a new low. I haven't updated to you guys since Tuesday.

Let me first reassure you that the sick horse mentioned in Tuesday's post is now back to normal and is very happy and healthy once more.

Wednesday heralded the second pool day of the summer! I avoided getting sunburned this time and still had a great deal of fun swimming around and whatnot. I did notice in passing that I had far more lung capacity when I was a wee one, either that or I had such a short attention span that it seemed like much longer underwater than it does now.

Thursday we had two rides in the morning and a host of water games in the afternoon. The rides went smoothly and marked the last rides of the summer as a wrangler for me. I'll still be around to consult the others next week but this was it for me. It was a smooth day though and I really enjoyed it.

Thursday afternoon we played water games again and I was at least in part responsible for the pipe game (take a bunch of 3ft. PVC pipes and get water from a hose to a bucket a ways away) it was great fun and the winning time was to fill a 5 gallon bucket in 1:02. it was quite impressive.

Friday was a sad farewell to another 30+ kids who hopefully have fallen in love with this place... we saw them off, cleaned up a bit and then myself and 2 of the other guys on staff went on a little adventure out on the 6 wheeler. we found lots of exciting places... acted a bit silly and generally rested a lot. on our way home the vehicle broke down so we got the joy of towing it back to camp and hopefully it'll get fixed soon.

yesterday.... was a story all its own and as I don't have much time before I must leave for church. I'll tell it in a different post.

-Nick

2.50 the one with a sick horse, and a team of Wranglers!

The last 48 hours were long... We hit a few walls of exhaustion and blasted through them.

We also had a horse get a little bit of colic this morning, quite a few hours of walking him around and a shot of medicine later the horse appears to be ok but time will tell.

I noticed two things about our team today. The first was during a brief afternoon break, every Wrangler took a nap (some planned, others during the meeting they were in or on the floor shortly after their meeting).

When the afternoon ride was done and we flew through cleanup we were walking back to camp and everyone was laughing and joking with each other... I love the camaraderie that grows out of working closely with this crew.

2.49 the one with another weekend in casper and the second to last beginning of the summer

The drive to casper went well, turns out with high school kids you can tell them to use the restroom and then not worry about stopping on the way to a place.

We arrived on time and all of the kids filtered away to their various rides and guardians n whatnot and I headed over to what is rapidly becoming one of my favorites. 5 guys is one tasty burger... I then spent the rest of the night napping, and finishing my book (age of fire book 6). I then started off the next morning with beginning The Long Earth by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Baxter, thus far I'm intrigued but haven't decided if I just like it... or if I love it.

Otherwise I enjoyed a few good meals (the cheese barrel? and olive garden) and some traditional bachelor meals (club crackers, cheese whiz, and mtn dew!) and slept lots and did whatever came to mind. Sadly this did not include blogging so you folks were left in the dark over the weekend.

This morning started slow and began to pick up speed, I'm safely back at camp and have a full roster of wranglers and assistants (I've even got one back from last year for a week). Somewhat worrisome and definitely a cause for prayer is that many of our crew is beginning to show our wear points even after a full weekend. I'd like to think I'm immune but I know I am not... Pray that we bounce well and that the remaining two weeks we are able to finish strong. (I get to be a counselor next week! I'm very looking forward to it!)

Morning feeding comes too soon... goodnight my friends.

2.48 The one with a late night

The last few days have been incredibly charged emotionally... The campers have been incredibly vulnerable in sharing the struggles they have and the (often horrible) things they've been through in their lives. I've given and received a lot of hugs recently and that's a pretty cool thing.

This week has been a challenge because we've had so much that is new and unknown, we often don't know what is coming up more than a meal in advance. However it has been great, the strange and new assortment of activities that have been offered this week are great and are incredibly well received by the kids. It has also been a great experience to have the kids really dig in and try to improve themselves in a host of ways this week.

Last night chapel/worship etc. all went a bit long which is fine... but one of the gals here decided to ask for a prayer request that night games get cancelled. The director this week said no, but a short time into the game God answered that prayer and dropped a lot of water on our heads. The kids retreated to the main hall and we had a lampfire (a camp lantern surrounded by rings of chairs with all other lights off) and the kids worshiped and shared testimonies until about midnight-thirty. Due to an odd sense of dedication I stayed up until curfew at about 1:30 with the kids before I crashed.

It has also come to pass that I'm driving a van-load back to casper this afternoon... due to my current tired levels I'm going to take a nap before I go but I'm really looking forward to reading lots of the books I acquired last weekend and sleeping an insane amount. (and maybe writing a bit for you peoples)

With that I'm off to take my "be-a-safe-driver" nap.

2.47 the one with joy, and pain (and a song about rain)

Tonight was a great night in almost every way. I had the opportunity to clean bathrooms with some dear friends during chapel. You might think that it's very bad of me to skip chapel and do something that I 'could' do during another time... but it was incredibly refreshing to be able to do a good job at something without constant interruption by people who need to use the facilities, It was also very reminiscent of my first summer out here and it was nice to be reminded where some of my greatest friendships began.

It is also very important to mention that this afternoon I was allowed to teach a basic horsemanship class... it was very fun to teach a group of high school kids how to saddle their own horses (with lots of supervision of course) and then watch them take ownership of their teamwork with the horses. I used a few things that I learned back at camp as a kid, and it was a welcome thing to recall that home.

This evening during chapel (the one that I missed) I am told that during the alter call there was no less than 9 kids who came forward and accepted Christ for the first time. It was a joy to see how encouraged everyone was and how it did refocus us very well on what is really going on here.

Also I recieved a text from my little sister yesterday asking me "can you believe it has been 6 months?"... and I couldn't. (to be honest I hadn't even noticed until she texted me) I don't know why it slipped my mind, but it really hit me tonight with the addition of 9 (or more) to the kingdom, I'm a bit of a cynic about alter calls... but I also couldn't help but recall something from dad's service that I hope will be true of us here at camp, but especially that I embrace it myself. I hope our new brothers and sisters embrace this quickly because it gets rough when you really get after this life.

MercyMe – Bring The Rain

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Might He be glorified In all we do here... and forevermore.

2.46 the one with a fun night game (and a list!)

A lot has happened since last I wrote... Two days is far too long to not record what has happened and unfortunately I lose too much when I stick to this frequency.

Previously in this space I mentioned my car troubles... and I sadly do not have any updates on that front.

In the last 2 days...(in no particular order)

I have felt ill... and started to fell better.

I have been on a trail ride

I have gone canoeing down a river

I have played more ice cream ultimate and won! (go staff team)

I have realized that in 3 weeks this will be over...

I have talked with friends and comrades, learned things about myself and aquired new things to ponder and examine

I have felt myself a failure

I have seen myself a success.

I have hurt for the loss of another member of our team

I have played mission impossible and been allowed to sit on top of a building and shine a spotlight at people

I have decided to end this list and go to bed.

2.45 the second post today... And the one where my car broke

Since I posted this morning we've 'started' a week of camp. Also I had the joyful experience of pulling up to a stop sign and having my car die and not start again. We're not yet sure what is causing it... Once we do it'll be subjected to the "is it worth fixing" filter.

I'm back at camp due to the charity of other staff members...and I've been told we can check or a few things on the car later this week. Annoyed only begins to capture my thoughts on the subject... If I can't get my car working I might need my mom to come get me from camp at the end... Whee.

2.44 the one with another song in it

It appears that I'm on a every other day schedule lately...

Yesterday I made a solo drive down to Cheyenne. It was quite enjoyable to make the trek and mid-drive I saw a storm front move across the road. On my left I saw clear skies and sunshine and on my right was a wall of rain and dark and hail. Once it swept over the road it was heavy enough that I had to pull over and stop for a few moments.

Finally I arrived in Cheyenne and undertook the real purpose of my drive. Barnes and noble is a great place... And I spent a bit more than I planned but I also got a nice pile of books that should keep me going until school starts. It makes me glad to have books to read again.

This morning I got up and just made it to early service on time (which is currently going on, yes I know I'm a terrible person) and at the beginning of the service we sang two songs... 10000 reasons, and great is Thy faithfulness. And thus I figured I had better post note before I forget. As I'm sure I've mentioned at least once those two songs are the ones we sang at dads funeral back in January. Great Is Thy faithfulness is also a family hymn that we've sang at anniversaries, celebrations, weddings, and funerals for my entire life. This morning I didn't even sing along...  I just closed my eyes and remembered all the times I've sang that before.

I remember my oma full of life singing that song at her husbands side at a family reunion years ago. I remember singing that song to myself when she passed away as I knew they would sing it at her funeral.

I remember talking about that hymn when my older brother was married. When I gained a sister that day it was so joyful, I remember thinking then that my brother was a blessed man, an opinion that had only been amplified over time. But more than that God was faithful to them both, and continues to be.

I remember reading that hymn when I heard news of my nephews birth. Marty is already the tangible blessing of God to our whole family. I remember his joy even in the midst of our pain in January and I know that was faithfulness too.

I clearly remember singing that song in January surrounded by sorrow and on the very edge of despair. I remember being humbled by hearing that song belted out of the mouths of my uncles, aunts, and cousins and trying to keep on my feet because I was so humbled.

I remember singing that song the weekend before camp started, with only 7 of us. As we dedicated this summer to His glory we knew that we would fall over and over, but he is faithful. And he has been.

I don't know when or what the next milestone will be... But I do know that from now until then this truth remains. Great is his faithfulness.

2.43 The one with renewal and a great deal of excitement

Yesterday morning I got out of bed with a bit of weariness, but nothing resembling the level from the night before. Through the process of saddling and whatnot I was able to get rolling on the day and the morning trail rides (all two of them) went very smoothly.

Lunch was tasty and the afternoon involved doing something (that I don't remember) until we got started on the afternoon group game, another round of ice cream ultimate and then moved on to playing a water game (a fairly aggressive relay to bring water to a bucket using tiny cups) It was a blast and the same as lake day I played hard today... and was surprised by how energetic I was through it all, I had a blast being on the team of Cabin 3!

The evening continued on through evening games and I had the privilege of watching the game room for a few hours, we decided to use a few containers of jenga-ish blocks and create a ton of lil games. They were lots of fun and I'd like to think the kids had almost as much fun as we did.

The night ended out with campfire and I loved seeing how many of the campers shared their testimonies about how the week had gone, campfires on Thursday are awesome and are a great reminder of why we do what we do here.

This morning I had the pleasure (and it was a legitimate pleasure) of going out and feeding the horses by myself this morning. It was a great time to sit and listen to the steady awakening of all the animals and camp itself. I was blessed to be able to pray and think while the horses munched away at their grain bags.

2.42 The one where I realize that It's only a month away

The story that I began two days ago ended well, I went out shortly after breakfast and due to the fog lifting up to something resembling low-cloud height I was actually able to see the horses in their hidey-hole at the far corner of the pasture. Once they realized I was out there for them they dutifully trailed back to the corral. The day commenced with a few rides and whatnot. twas good, we had one girl ride that was scared of horses which is always a good thing to see them grow more comfortable over the course of a ride. 

Lake day was a great day today! I spent nearly the entire day in the water... and I had the wonderful opportunity to talk about camp stuff when I wasn't playing in the water. I love doing the planning and strategizing that makes camp happen almost (if not more than) as much as camp itself it's something that I miss a lot during this season, so it was great to have a taste again. 

Tonight I am exhausted... my plan is to share a few things with you, shower, and then hope a lot that I can get up without too much trouble and get our saddling done tomorrow morning before breakfast. I'm tired... but I'm going to ramble like I did on sunday, hopefully with similarly interesting results. 

hmm... what should I chat about tonight? I had a brief moment earlier tonight where I was reminded that even though I've done camp for a long time, and I often feel that I'm good at this work... I am not perfect and occasionally I run into myself and find that to be in conflict with who I should be. I am definitely a work in progress and today I was a bit reminded of that fact. (which isn't a bad thing at all) 

I also have mentioned before that i'm becoming more and more anxious about school coming up. I don't like new things that are completely outside of my safe coping places and familiar routines. Camp is a chaos that I know fairly well and I've learned places and ways to rest and vent the things that I need to. In 4 short weeks I'll be at a school that I've never visited with lots of people that I've never met (although a few I do know from camp) and likely living with a roomate that I don't know at all... For some reason that I cannot recall at the moment I decided that this would be a good plan, and very little of it sounds even a little exciting right now. That having been said I also know that this is what I need to do, but I'm afraid it's going to hurt. (I'm a wuss that way) 

I'm desperately pleading that God will take away my concerns about this... I crave the peace I had back in February about this decision.... but I cannot seem to find that calm place. Misty Edwards – You Won't Relent keeps coming up. I know I need to let this all go, but I can't seem to do that yet... 

although... Matt Redman – Never Once is as true now as it has ever been... I just feel so alone, We're starting to lose the first of our summer-long family this weekend and every week we find family for a short time only to be forced apart by the tyranny of the weekend. And soon enough even the full team will be gone... each back to wherever they are led next. 

What I consider my family (many of you I suspect) consists of my blood, my church, and camp... and all three of those will be so far so very soon. (two of them already are) 

As you have no doubt gathered, I am weary my friends. I crave your encouragement and your prayers. 

-Nick

2.41 The one where the horses are hiding in the mist

This morning I slept through my alarm. Or rather I turned it off in my sleep rather than hitting the snooze button as I should have. Thankfully it was only about 15 minutes late but it definitely caused me a bit of panic...

We scrambled a bit to get down to the corral and I zipped out in the pasture to find horses, and here is where the second snag happened. This morning we've been blessed with an incredibly heavy fog. (which at the moment doesn't seem to be lifting at all) The unfortunate side effect of this is visibility is reduced to next to nothing.... and that makes finding horses in a huge pasture pretty difficult. 

Breakfast is in a few minutes and then weather permitting I'll take another trip out to the pasture to see what I can find... It'll be an interesting one for sure. 

-Nick

2.41 The one where I'm insecure, critical, and surprisingly long-winded

This morning I once again had a thought that has been on my mind with some regularity this summer. I felt (and still do to a certain extent) that my writing this summer has been somehow less good this time around.
When I go back and read posts from last year I see quirky little side comments and random bunny trails (at least in the first few weeks) that make me want to know this guy who wrote that stuff. I don't necessarily feel that way about the things that I'm writing this year.

Now since I'm a chronic thinker (my mother would say overthinker) I came up with a few possible reasons for this while I was driving back to camp this morning. they are as follows.

It is possible my perspective is skewed because I get surprised by what I wrote last year. That is to say I don't remember anything close to the level of detail that I recorded last summer... So when I re-read I get to see it through the eyes of a reader and I don't remember vividly the process I went through to write those exact words. The ones from this year I still can.

It is possible that I'm tired in different ways this year. Instead of the physical weariness that I felt the first two summers out here (don't get me wrong I'm still tired) I am instead dealing with a emotional, spiritual, and mental fatigue as well. From the emotional blessing (and curse) of crying at the reactor scene in star trek, or the one near the end of Pacific Rim between the father and his son (or what the marshall says to the son) to the spiritual responsibility and empathy of being responsible to hurt with the team in a more active and involved way to the mental exhaustion of comparing all of the work we did during the off-season to how things actually are playing out and constantly trying to measure what is working and what isn't, what is something we could do better and what is something that happened in the moment. I'm tired in new and exciting ways, but I'm not so good at coping with those yet.

It is also possible that my writing quality has dropped. While obviously the most pessemistic and self-deprecating of the options I need to be at least willing to admit to the possibility that It has come about that way.

and last but not least... My readership is slightly different and much larger than last year. Last year I wrote this for me... and was shocked when anyone read it. I still have that response but I've also come to realize that for one reason or another there are some of you guys that read this thing as often as i'm willing to update. That idea never ceases to humble and amaze me (especially when I know I'm not doing very well)

So... Now that those are out there, and no doubt will be denied or disagreed with by some I also have decided to let you continue down this rabbit hole and explain what I hope to do about it. At least right now these are true...

I will try (and might succeed at) to be more honest and open regardless of where I end up, I will allow myself to wander far and wide in order to chase my own thoughts and emotions and record that rambling road so that I can evaluate effectively in the future (even if it means I think I got worse when I re-read next summer)

I will try (and might succeed at) getting back to what this was originally for... to let me cope and share my struggles and pain with you, whomever you are. I don't write so that you have the response that I want you to, I write so that you can respond however you want and so that I can be surprised by whatever comes of it. (although if you decide to love me more and say I'm awesome that never hurts)

last, I will try (and might succeed at) being less hard on myself. For years I've been a steaming pile of mess and I know that when I first arrived at this camp I was among the walking wounded in many ways, I KNOW that is less true today than it was then. Also I learned over the last months that It's ok to be broken, it's ok to cry, it's ok to approach the father in whatever state you are because He loves you no matter what. I never fully learned this lesson with my dad (although he did love me no matter what) and it's something I still am growing in... I suspect for a long time to come.
It's somewhat enjoyable to me to think that this post and it's content form a delightful synergy in content and function, because this was the exercise of the ideas I just finished outlining for you.

I'm sitting out here on the zipline platform and looking around, and I cannot deny the invitation I have to be here and pour myself into this and hold nothing back. Regardless of what comes next with school or anything else in life, This is where I'm supposed to be and I know that sometime down the road I'm going to look back and say that this was good. If this is the last thing I do, (which i'm hoping it's not) then It is well with my soul.

-Nick

2.40 The one where I talk about movies... and randomly meeting people.

Today went well. I followed the plan except for the going to a bookstore part.

I started out by going to pacific rim. Now, before I tell you what I think of this one.. let me give you a bit of context. I like robots... I think they're awesome. As a kid I was a bit obsessed with Battletech and Mechwarrior. That having been said... I really enjoyed this movie. I went in expecting a special effects action movie and was not disappointed, I also appreciated the storyline that they threaded into it. If you see it and don't like it... s'fine, but if you see it and do... we're in agreement :)

after I was done seeing that movie I went and retrieved maverick and moved on to the next thing on our list... The Lone Ranger. I also very much enjoyed this movie, it was totally different than Pac-Rim but it was quite good as well. The style of storytelling was quirky and engaging, the craziness mixed with the silliness of a Johnny Depp performance. It was fun.

Also as we were leaving the movies the second time we ran into some former (and future) campers! it's always nice to see campers out in the real world and know that the island that is camp isn't just a fairy tale land.

Tomorrow we do a few lil errands before heading back to camp to start a week of Junior High camp... Unfortunately the bookstores here in Casper are all closed on Sunday so I'll have to leave that particular thing until another weekend... 4 weeks left.

2.39 the one with lots of food and such

We arrived in casper safely after a few hours of yelling children in the van... I'd always assumed that the tired kiddos would sleep on the way home... but I guess that the combination of naps in the schedule, an earlier bedtime, and ineffective AC in Chad-Moe (our van) caused them to stay awake the entire way home... It also didn't stop my copilot from falling asleep incredibly quickly after we left camp...

After arriving in casper we fetched some tasty food at a chinese buffet, and continued on into a very relaxing evening and returned to our apartment for the weekend.

breakfast this morning was great (even though my copilot is terrible at staying awake he was great at scrounging for leftovers before we left) biscuits and gravy, and with the last of my mountain dew... twas great.

Today I plan on seeing a movie or two (the lone ranger, and either pacific rim or man of steel) puttering around a bookstore, and maybe a nap or two. We'll see what happens.. but that's the master plan :)

2.38 the one with a psalm inside

I missed another day...

Today it's Friday and in a few short hours the wee ones will be heading home for the week.

An update on the blessing thing referenced in the last post.. I decided that rather than doing a pay it forward sorta thing I'd just take every opportunity I could to blues those around me. I doubt I did a very good job but I tried at least...

Also a day at the pool netted me a minor sunburn, only the second of the summer but still annoying.

Thursday was our best day riding all week, I was blessed by challenging my Wranglers to do the devotion and the safety demo for the rides, they really did well and it was fun to sit and listen to the kids interact with them.

Today I head to Casper to deliver a van and spend a few relatively quiet days before we start again Sunday afternoon. Another junior high week is upon us and is one of only four remaining in the summer...

I've been a bit grumpy a few times over the last week and yesterday had one odd those times... But I caught it fairly early and headed out on a walk with some great scenery and Matt Redmond.

Desperate for a devotion topic for the meeting I had been asked to lead I fell back on psalm 23. The same psalm that pastor Paul read just before dads service, the same psalm we used to talk about when we wrangled at rainbow. The psalm that becomes more full and rich as the years go by....

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

2.36 the one before pool day

Today is pool day! (not to be confused with lake day). The advantages of pool day over lake day are professional lifeguards that we didn't have to bring with us, and being able to keep an eye on the wee ones through something relatively clear instead of mud and bugs n such. (I'm actually kind of excited, can you tell?)

Yesterday was pretty great, I had so much fun that my voice decided that it wasn't going to operate at 100% this morning. Which is kind of fun too.

As I crawled out of bed this morn I was greeted with the great news that the chores I was not looking forward to had already been done and that we shouldn't let the blessings end with us. I tell you this not to make the one who did it look better (although he does look pretty good right now) but to force myself to tell you how it went tomorrow.

Until then continue to pray for an exuberance as we try to keep up with the little guys and gals. Pay for health and strength in physical, mental, and spiritual things.

And last but certainly not least in my mind, please pray for me and school rapidly approaching in the fall. It's coming quick and I'm trying hard not to worry about it, but I fear I'm just stacking up worry in a big pile that'll Fall on my head at an inconvenient time.

-Nick

2.35 the one where I'm contemplative

Monday Monday Monday... It's amazing how quick you can burn through a week of rest, not that I'm down to pre-break levels of energy but I do groan my way through the wakeup process again...

I had a good day yesterday, it was nice to see the team again and everyone seemed like a lot of life had happened in a week (for good or not).

Also it is an annoying thing to be in a position of leadership and have the luxury of taking a break removed from you, not because it's not something you need but because when others see you taking a break it's ok for them to drop their stuff and take a break too.

Not that this is not a bad thing for people to follow their leaders to rest as well as struggle... But it does make it difficult to be part of the vanguard.

I also feel the frustration of knowing the fullness of camp and then being banished back to my pile of dirt down the road...

Suffice it to say I'm glad that I'm here and I love what I'm doing, but there are parts of the job this year that I'm not doing well... And I have yet to figure out how to fix that.

-Nick

2.34 The one where I"m a bit nostalgic.

Yesterday was super chill as predicted. Movies were observed via netflix, naps were experienced in the half-awake half-dreaming sort of way, and the overall opinion seemed to be that it's time to get back to normal.

An opinion that seemed to be shared by the car full of gals who were attempting to get to camp when they had the third flat tire of the week. They did make it most of the way, and they're here now so it all worked out.

This morning involved church, and lunch at subway. The next week of camp (3rd and 4th graders) begins in a few short hours....

and now for a bunny trail!

This morning we sang be thou my vision and I was particularly struck by the following verse

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

And I was reminded that I love being the heir of an incredible inheritance, not only my parents but my grandparents are titans of the faith, and epitomize what I think of when I think of faithfulness and walking a lifetime in service to our Lord. Beyond that though I am also an heir of a different legacy, one that I've been intimidated by when I was directing, and one that I'm grateful for during board meetings. The Legacy that I'm referring to is that of some incredible people who founded these ministries. From Rimrock to ACK to Rainbow, Incredibly dedicated people have given a lifetime of service to this... and that is just incredible to think about. 

2.32-33 the one from 'murica day.

The fourth of july was a good one this year. We started out the day by heading out to Fort Laramie to see some things and just to wander around (something I hadn't done before) It was nice to see the site featured in so much of this regions history. 

We returned to Haven for a few hours... most of us took naps (myself included) and then headed to a friends house for to celebrate the 4th in the traditional manner, with fire and food! Both of which were in great supply and were quite enjoyable to observe. I couldn't help but watch the fireworks going off and miss my little bro a bit. Hopefully he got a chance to see some good shows (or make some) this week... 

and then yesterday we started out by going riding with a few of the staff out here at camp. I am always hesitant to do staff rides because a) they can be a fair bit of work, and b) they're apparently addictive to the staff involved. Despite these two risks we did go on a ride and it was fairly enjoyable, only one person fell off and there were no injuries to horse or rider. It was also a bit nice to ride in the same way that would be considered a typical ride at rainbow. The terrain is a bit more extreme out here... but it was close enough to inspire some good memories. 

The rest of the day was fairly relaxed... we took full advantage of the newly constructed carpetball tables, cooked a few frozen pizzas and watched a handful of movies. I once again learned that my opinions on movies are occasionally not those of anyone else. Movies that I think are incredible (The Way), others might find boring. Or quirky stories that don't seem that implausible others think are stupid and annoying. (I'm Reed Fish) Either way I enjoyed seeing them again. 

Today Is laundry day... and long overdue. I got up to feed this morning and we're currently watching the Man from snowy river while I write this and wait to change laundry over. I anticipate much of the same today... although the captain has returned, so who knows?

2.28-32 The one where I read some good books. and some other things happened too.

Sunday started out with me dragging myself out of bed and heading off to church. After service ended and everyone abandoned me to their own social lives (yep, it's exactly as melodramatic as it sounds) I headed out to the friendly local Burger King and ate lunch and started reading the last novel in the wheel of time series, a brief 4 hours later I decided I should move on before they asked me to leave.

I then went to a friends house and visited my poor lonely computer that has been living there and played a bit of minecraft. I returned to camp later that night and slept a bit, and then continued to read my book through the early afternoon the next day (nothing like a good book to keep you from noticing you haven't eaten in a while) I was really happy with how Brandon Sanderson ended the series. (I'm trying to avoid spoilers so if you have read it and want to talk about it let me know and I'd be happy to get your feedback)

Monday didn't consist of much other than reading my book, and wishing lots of people a happy Canada day. it was super low key but incredibly restful. nothing much of note happened...

Tuesday a few of the staff returned from casper...

Wednesday we went to Scottsbluff and watched Despicable Me 2. It was everything I'd hoped it would be, and more! I highly recommend it. Also I got some shoes n stuff... but that's not really noteworthy.

This should be the last of the crazy fast recap posts... at least for now. A small update later today and we'll be up to the present!

2.26-27 The one where I finish the old week.

Lake day! Lake day began the way it always does... with breakfast.

But on a more serious note, lake day went well. Sadly I had to bid a farewell to my mum as she headed home... but I was quickly caught up in the hustle and bustle of getting everyone loaded on the buses and various cars necessary to get everyone to lake day.

We arrived at the lake and the frolicking commenced! The kids had fun (or so it seemed) and so did the staff. Only a few folks got badly sunburned and I didn't kill anyone because of it (despite rumors that I might) and the evening went well, the evening campfire (typical for a Thursday) was an opportunity for the kids to share what God had been doing in their lives this week. I was blown away by how many of them were quick to speak up. It was great to see how despite all of my tiny concerns and the steady pressure of the "what if" God delivered a powerful week in the life of these kids.

Friday rolled around and 2 chapels and a cleanup time later a bus full of kids headed out the gate. We breathed a deep sigh of relief and did a bit of a scramble to get supper ready for the staff we'd promised to feed.

At this point I should make one thing incredibly clear, I did not get through the week without help... and just in case I've forgotten to mention that face adequately I need to restate how amazed and humbled I was by the team I worked with this last week. They worked hard when they were getting sick (or just recovering from it) they poured out their hearts to kids that were strangers a short time before and I have to single out my co-director for her hard work too. Through the planning that we were able to get done ahead of time she worked hard and pushed for excellence, during the week she did well to roll with unexpected situations and stayed focused on getting things done in the best way possible.

In that spirit, on friday as cleaning and our formal responsibilities were winding down for the week, she took over the prep for supper and allowed me to relax a bit. Due to that I was able to go down the zipline for the first time and go rappelling for the first time this summer. (both of which were fantastic)

Supper was delightful and as the evening picked up momentum the large amount of staff that had stayed for the night kicked off the latest round of the haven indoor soccer league. It was a blast and despite a few minor injuries (I think the bruises should be healed by now) and very minor property damage (the fish survived the fall from his normal hanging spot) the overall ending note was exhausted happiness. There is something cool about a team that works hard, and plays hard together.

Over the next 24 hours nearly all the staff headed out to their plans for the week, some to return a few days later, others who won't be back until Sunday... I awoke to say the goodbye's I knew about... and then went to bed in the mid-afternoon for a nap. 7 hours later I awoke hungry to discover my wonderful comrades had left me a plate from supper sitting right beside my bed. I ate and read my book for an hour or so.. and then went to bed a second time. (I've been told if it exceeds a few hours it cannot be referred to as a nap)

Looking back at the week I feel more alive directing than I do in my 'normal' job at camp. Yes, it's harder and more exhausting mentally and spiritually... but it's something that I feel I'm good at. Despite my flaws and failures... I loved the opportunity and even though I learned a lot that I'd do differently I can't wait to do it again. (if they'll let me) We'll see what the future holds though...

2.24-25 the one where I fail, and the one where the week goes well anyway.

Tuesday began strangely, As I walked down the stairs to head over to the morning counselor meeting (meetings I've never been to other than this week... when I had to lead them) I noticed our hospital contingent returning. They updated me on the situation and then they all headed to bed and wished us luck for the morning.

During activities we had a few issues, but nothing the activity staff at each station couldn't handle. I particularly enjoyed maverick varying his tomahawk speech volume to compensate for the intermittent winds.  "Remember kids... the tomahawk is A WEAPON! It is not a CHILD'S PLAYTHING!" it still makes me chuckle a bit when I think about it. Also I don't feel like I did much that morning other than see how good everyone is at their jobs... I got to see activities that I don't ever get to see (aka all of them) and really enjoyed the experience.

Tuesday also was the day that our first (and only) camper headed home for the week. The one that had taken a visit to the hospital decided with her parents that she was going to be done for the week. She did seem semi-excited about coming back to the 2nd junior high week though.

Wednesday was much the same as tuesday, I wandered a bit and then I hopped in on the last hike of the week. I was impressed with the thought and preparation that had gone into an activity that didn't exist (or at least no one knew we were using) until sunday night. I also scouted out a spot where I think my hammock will fit... so that's just a win as well.

Wednesday night was one of the big headline mistakes, the kind that people remember. Thankfully it wasn't super huge and it might fade with the passage of time (Lord willing anyway) but during our evening activity staff meeting we gave a lil' speech about lake day and how sunscreen is super important. Then I added a bit that I intended to be a firm reminder that sunscreen is SUPER important, sunburned kids is a very bad situation and sunburned staff slows the team down... turns out when I'm tired and frustrated at other things that I can't talk about in staff meetings (and won't talk about on here) I sound more frustrated than I intend... and that's not the best way to motivate people... (If any of the staff who were in the meeting are reading this, I sincerely apologize.)

Also Wednesday morning my mom made it out to camp to see what I've been ranting and raving about for the last few years. I had the honor of showing her around a bit and even though I never got the chance for dad to see this... I felt his presence too, as we walked (or drove) around the place. A guy never gets over wanting his dad to be proud of him... and maybe it's stretching but I think dad would be proud of what we do here.

Next time on the N quadrant.... LAKE DAY!

Captains log. Stardate 2.20-23. The one where the 'real' work began

Saturday started off fairly smoothly, I felt like we were getting a bit closer to where we needed to be and that there was some small chance that the week (or at least the parts I had control over) would not be a complete disaster. I don't recall what I worked on that particular day... but I do remember that the increased pace of texts and phone calls that persisted through most of the week began on Saturday and only let up a week later. 

I remember struggling to keep things straight in my mind, and I also am sure that I annoyed those forced to work with me a great deal as zero-hour approached and all other distractions were banished to the less-important pile. 

Saturday ended as a bit of a blur... 

Sunday began as most days do, morning arriving too soon, the daily list of things approaching faster than you're 100% comfortable with... the staff was predictably late and training began at about 4:30. training commenced through supper, and as I finally found my bed early Monday morning I remember feeling incredibly grateful for the team that we ended up with this week, some unfamiliar faces at the time... but even when I wasn't confident in myself I was confident in the team. 

Monday... 

Monday just proved time and time again that the peace I felt Sunday night was well founded. Activities went smoothly and I got to see the normal function of camp for the first time. From my perspective everything went smoothly and any issues that arose were dealt with easily and quickly. Once again when I crashed for the night I felt like we were getting some positive momentum. 

A few short hours later I was awakened by our weekly nurse informing me that they were heading to the hospital with a camper. I was grateful to those that took that responsibility and very glad that it was a group of people I trusted enough that I could go back to sleep so I could face the next day... 

The week is already fading into a blur but I'll leave it here for now and hit a few main points in the next update, and hopefully get caught up to the present. 

Year 2, Day 19. The one where I start to catch up.

(I'm dating these retroactively so I can keep the timeline straight in my head)

There is an annoying thing that happens to me when I get so far behind at something I know I should be doing, instead of parceling it down into a managable bite I often look at the big picture and then try to get myself motivated enough to take on the whole thing. However while I'm working that side of the issue the mountain continues to grow and so I'm stuck racing the growth of the problem with my frustration over it existing in the first place. Eventually I become so dissatisfied with it that I will tackle the beast and usually knock it out (or at least do a decent job of chiseling a bunch of it away) in one swoop... Unfortunately for us both this blog has been that sort of problem the last few weeks and thus it'll take some determined writing (and likely rambling) on my part to get us caught up.

Last week as you might have noticed I began to get a bit behind on writing due to increased levels of stress and a severe lack of rest... It was a trying week due to the curveballs I already talked about and as the week of directing grew closer I more and more felt like I had two things to do and without decent closure on the week we were in the midst of I couldn't press into the next thing with anything close to the attention it deserved and that began to wear on me incredibly hard on thursday night and friday morning. Perhaps appropriately while I was at my worst and ping-ponging between frustration and plodding through routine tasks as best I could the opportunities for worship and spiritual renewal that I stumbled across were richer and more powerful that I could have ever anticipated.

By friday morning I was tired, sore, and was struggling to see how I could get through what I needed to while safeguarding some of my energy for the too-large to-do list I had for the weekend. Thankfully my condition was noticed by my dear friends here at camp and I was ordered to sit down and quantify for others what was eating at me. As soon as I had done so my cleaning responsibility for the week was completed for me and I had a huge outpouring of assistance in clearing the final hurdles to get a week of camp started. I recall being angry at myself for not being able to bring my best to bear at the time... but in hindsight I did, it just wasn't very good. Also, It was good for me to see others doing great things despite me, A theme that ran throughout the following week, but I get ahead of myself.

Friday afternoon me and my co-director Molly were in a suburban headed out to Casper to help haul some camper and staff luggage home and to give us some time to touch base and then go shopping for our supplies for the week. We talked, argued a bit, laughed a bit, ate tasty food (5 guys) and then headed home. As I collapsed into bed I felt a small measure of peace for the first time in days.

To be continued...