3.22 The End. (again)

This week was a blessing and a great note to go out on. We had a large group of 7th and 8th graders and it was a pleasure to see a totally different style of directing implemented this week. I definitely learned a few things.

This week we went to a "new" lake (for us) and it was fun and exciting. I got to work on the pontoon crew again and had an enjoyable comparison to years past where I was indispensable on that job, but this year I'm just an option. It was a good feeling.

This week was my last working with Hunter on the cliff... it has been a joy and a learning experience to see his quiet strength at work day in and day out. How he's gracious, silly, and loves what he does. He never set out to teach me anything (other than a few new knots and how to aussie) but I learned a great deal by observing. I'm really looking forward to another year together at Grace.

I also faced my terror (I'm afraid of heights) and rappelled Aussie-style twice this week! For those that don't know, rappelling is normally a sitting position where you lean back and walk/run/jump backwards down a wall or cliff. Since Australia is the land down under, or upside down to where we're at... Aussie-style is where you rappel face first, leaning so far forward you're running down a cliff in defiance of the natural gravitational order. It was a fairly large accomplishment for me to do it the first time... so I had to do it again to prove to myself that it wasn't just a fluke. (A group of campers even witnessed the first one)

and finally the highlight of the week, and possibly the summer... In my scarce posts this year (22 is about a third of the amount I have done in years past. Granted this summer was 14 days shorter... but still) I have talked a little bit about my internal struggles with finding significance and/or finding my place at camp this year. This was partially put to rest when I was given the privilege of being a counselor for a week (my boys were great!) and finally buried with a stake through the heart yesterday afternoon in our end-of-the-week meeting. Captain Tibbs (or mild mannered Adam if you prefer) decided, entirely unbeknownst to me, to allow time for people to share a way that I had impacted them this year, or a camp story that we had together. It was humbling, encouraging, and generally shocking to me how many people shared... and how it wasn't just shallow stuff... Turns out God has been doing more through me than I ever realized. I can't take credit for that... and it was a perfect end to a wonky year.

So, Where does that leave us now? I'll continue to write and post periodically for a short time as I figure out what the next year is looking like. I often process through writing and when that's possible to share I will (but if this summer is an indicator then more of that will need to stay off the web than years past).

The immediate future looks a little like this:
-return to Rapid City tonight
-do laundry/rest/etc. for a few days
-Drive from Rapid City to Omaha on Tuesday
-Get integrated/trained for my new job at the school in Omaha
-Go on the RA trip for a week
-Return to Grace and complete final prep for new students arrival
-start classes

And that all happens in the next month (or less). I'll also need to find a second part-time job relatively quick after the start of classes. And there are a few other semi-important things brewing as well. It's shaping up to be a great year already!

Thank you for walking this journey with me this summer. I hope you stick around, but know I appreciate all of the prayer, comments, and encouragement more than I can adequately express.

-Nick

3.21 Rambling introspection? Don't mind if I do.

A week goes by again... and no blog posts. In short it was a great week, we had 90+ kids here at camp and that kept us all on our toes. I was a bit worn out by the end and needed as much sleep as physically possible. 

And now I'm going to talk about another thing. Because I can. 

Yesterday I was out at the rappelling cliff (some people use walls, we have a cliff, we're cool like that) and at the end of one of the groups had the opportunity to rappel down. (it was faster, and more fun than hiking around) and as I was getting set and positioning myself on the top part the kids started yelling advice up at me. Apparently when I'm taking my time and getting my balance (easier said than done at the top for us tall types) I look like I have no idea what I'm doing. I mostly ignored the advice and waited for my comrade to hook in as well, because it's more impressive when the kids can see both of us speeding down the wall. (He always wins but he also goes aussie-style and I don't) 

As I started down the cliff at a rapid pace I couldn't help but chuckle, both because of the exhilaration of the wind and the heat from the rope warming the glove on my brake hand, as well as the fact that all of the advice from below almost immediately changed to exclamations of surprise. 

As I was unclipping a few seconds later at the bottom of the cliff I had a moment of clarity. How I rappel is how I do a lot of things. I'm not super great at starting usually... It takes me a little while and a few shaky steps to get comfortably setup and prepared for the rest of a task. I have found this to be true in returning to school (my grades were decent from the start but have improved steadily) to jobs I've worked in the past where I jump from rookie to competent in a very short time... but when I'm a rookie I'm quite a rookie. 

This also applies to my internal life, searching for churches and struggling to find a family.. but once I'm past the awkward start I have  relationships and friendships for years. Or this applies to romantic relationships... most die in the completely awkward stage because I'm not good at starting. But investing and maintaining? that I can do fairly well. (at least most days) 

I know this is a bit introspective and you're wondering why this should matter to you or anyone for that matter. (Let me tell you, come closer) It matters because people all around us learn a host of things about our character and personality based on things that we don't even think about. All of the signals that we give off without intending to are road signs to our internal struggles or serenity. While you can attempt to mask those signals (some have more proficiency in this than others) or we can give false indicators in the end our soul will shine through. I would encourage you to become proficient in reading your own signals, not so that you can become more proficient in deceiving people but that you can know yourself better and in so doing you can know your weaknesses in a very honest sense. 

I'm sure this made more sense to me than It does to you, and I'm ok with that. (after all it's my blog) 

Blessings Friends!

-Nick

3.20 The 5 B's and the beginning of the end. (as well as the end of last week)

I once again realized that I've moved from the realm of slight neglect into something more serious with this space... whoops.

Last week took a lot more out of me than I initially anticipated. On the on hand I really wanted to do the job of being a counselor well. I wanted the boys who were "stuck" with me to have a fun time and deepen their walk with God. Both are objectives I think we achieved. However I was unable or unwilling to give up the limited amounts of sleep I was able to acquire in order to post updates. My apologies for the frustration, but I'd like to think I've got my priorities straight.

The week was an incredible success. We took all of the boys (all 8 campers) out to a "secret guys campfire" a short hike away from camp. By the time we'd hiked out and back... they were ready for bed and hopefully remembered something a little special about that time with the guys. I know all of the staff who went along will remember that night for a while.

The title of this writing also shows another major development in the timeline. The five B's are a concept that I heard from Dr. Linder back at GraceU. They are as follows: "be brief, baby, be brief" and I'll try to do the same for the sake of time and sanity at this juncture. In short my time at camp is drawing to a close shortly. In roughly 10 days (the 25th) I will conclude my last day at camp for the year. And a few short days after I'll be back in Omaha (Lord willing at least) to begin my new(ish) job as an RD at the school. It'll be crazy and wonderful... and require all kinds of energy and whatnot. I'm looking forward to it, and hoping that my recovering from (most of) a summer at camp will not hinder my ability to do that job well. I also feel for my comrades here who will complete two more weeks of camp after I leave before they go their separate ways. I've never not finished before... and that's tough.

This week (and next) I'm back on the rappelling wall where I began the year. And it's a great job... but I'm starting to carry a little bit more physical stress and fatigue. Please keep me in your prayers as I strive to do the best that I can, and to be as present as I can with whatever I've got in the next few weeks.

In some ways I'm beginning to feel an emotional and spiritual pull in many different directions (here, Omaha, South Dakota, and elsewhere) and while those pulls are all absolutely fantastic. I'm not really giving most of it the attention it deserves. Or at least that's what it feels like.

I know this is cryptic and not nearly as thorough as you or I would like, but... Here I sit, surprised by life, content with joy, and just generally focusing on the positive and not letting the host of reasons (why all of the things I'm dealing with or facing soon should crush me and so forth) to ruin the blessings I have experienced and seen.

The Lion is on the Move... and every so often he lets me ride along.
-Nick

3.19 The tiny ninja's arrive!

The day dawned early (or it felt early at least). A few short hours later it moved into the routine of starting the week. We got our assignments for campers and I had a whopping two kids! 

They're great but they are tiny ninja's. Even when they're on board with the plan... 5 seconds and a shiney thing later they vanish. One of the staff jokingly said that "i'm keeping better track of your kids than you are" which isn't entirely untrue... because they aren't running off on purpose. They're just the 3rd grade versions of my attention span. 

Short story... we're having tons of fun. And we're working out our sense of normal for the week. And now I'm out of time. 

3.18 The week I directed, Part 2

Part 2 of the lost week.

The week began (and ended) with 40+ kids at camp. A crazy and energetic bunch that brought lots of things they wanted and needed to talk about with us. The crew jumped right into the schedule as if it was a great plan and that it was going to be a wonderful thing. The only downside is that almost immediately the rain began to play havok with the aforementioned schedule. We quickly became good at trying to figure out how to fit activities into smaller pieces of time and how to stay under cover so that the incredible light and fire show in the sky would stay up there and not come arcing down to earth via a human being.

The staff and kids remained upbeat through the whole thing and right on schedule (I know! I kept wondering what was going on too!) we gathered for worship and Bible teaching. By the middle of the week all of the kids were beating most of their counselors to chapel (and for a few it was a highlight of camp!) I didn't make it to all of them... but every time that I did I was blessed, encouraged, and exhorted to grow. It was a blessing to be sure.

Sadly the water games that were one of the highlights of planning and that I was quite looking forward to, were rained out rather thoroughly, instead we played mission impossible indoors and it went quite well. By the time thursday rolled around I could honestly say that Whatever I had envisioned for the week the routine wasn't that.

However I told the staff on the weekend before that the goal was to “Love God and Love people” and in that arena the week went incredibly well. I don't think any of the kids went home without knowing that we cared about them, regardless of behavior. It was a complete win in that arena.

Also we have a tradition of select staff members giving their testimonies Mon-Wed nights at the campfire and then giving the opportunity on Thursday for the campers to share theirs if they feel so inclined. I was completely blown away... Usually there are a few random stories by kids who are trying to put together the moving parts of a testimony (kinda like a little kid trying to figure out humor) and a few decent ones. But not this week... this week they were all hard hitting and powerful accounts of God working in their lives. It was humbling. And when it came time to head to cabins... the rain just encouraged everyone to stay put.

Friday night I grilled some burgers for those who remained at camp and it was a great pleasure to see everyone sitting around enjoying good food and celebrating a job well done. We also knocked off the rust and played a little bit of indoor soccer which mostly involved greg and the mcneel boys running circles around the rest of us... but a ton of fun anyway :)

I headed home for the week off... which was a blur of lots of sleep, world cup games on TV, great conversations and meals with mum, four-wheeling, shooting, seeing dear friends, and eventually rolling back out to camp last night.

A few short hours from now we begin staff training for a week of 3^rd and 4^th graders! And I get the incredible privilege of being a counselor! I can't wait! I'm still hoping to get short updates in semi-daily but that's always a bit tough as a counselor so consider yourselves warned.

3 short weeks left before I'm done at camp for the year... and a few days after I'll be moving back into my housing at Grace. So many blessings. If you took the time to read this... know you are loved.  

3.17 The first sign of life. (and part 1 of the week)

For those of you who were not aware, last year I was asked to direct a week of camp. This means a host of planning and operational responsibilities dealing with a specific 5 days. I must not have messed it up too bad because they asked me to try it again for a week this year. That week began on the 22nd and technically ended the 27th. But it is no accident that I took until now to update again.

I will admit the best of intentions and thought that just maybe I might be able to update during the week this year... a hope that was quickly dashed Sunday afternoon as my carefully laid plans came crashing down and a series of improvisations began.

In comparison to last year this week was a rousing success. I was more confident in my ability to navigate the schedule and knew much more of what to expect and could take some comfort in the brief moments where I could sit and relax before another issue arose that required my attention. However this week was a study in dramatic contradictions and difficulties.

I had far less support this week than I did last year, both in my superiors time spent at camp and just the raw number of staff present this year. I can't say enough good things about the crew that was there (and I'll touch on a few highlights further on) and I know that many who I asked would have quickly joined us if circumstances were different. Keeping that in mind I've heard it said that "God provides the staff that you need each year" and this year that was true, however I didn't get any extra. To the point that I had to ask some of the staff to take on a disproportionate amount of work and wear multiple hats in order to make things happen smoothly. Two of the gals bore most of this responsibility and my expectation was that they would perform the necessary aspects of both jobs and likely not excel at either, much to my surprise neither were content to just meet the bare minimum and pushed for excellence. This resulted in them both being frustrated and exhausted by the end of the week... but they have every right to be proud of the work they did (and possibly mad at me for asking that much of them).

Secondly we had a few very difficult calls to make this week in regards to discipline. I won't go into a lot of specifics because they're not terribly important, but I do want to go through some of my mental process to shed some light for those who were there, and for those that will likely evaluate my decisions later on in the year. At camp we have a firm conviction that any kid who wants to come to camp should be allowed to, regardless of financial ability or past discipline problems. Many of us came up through camps and other organizations that taught us what Grace meant in a very practical sense and we see that as something we need to pass on to the next generation. A responsibility I completely agree with and take very seriously. However there is a time when justice or discipline must also be considered as the most loving route. This does not cause grace to diminish nor will forgiveness be denied in any way... Sometimes a bad thing is the best option.

I remember talking to a young father not too long ago (I bet he'll recognize himself, but I didn't ask his permission to share this story, hence the anonymity) who was frustrated with the behavior of his son. The man and his wife had planned/prepared a tasty supper for their son as well as a delicious dessert of fresh raspberries (one of the child's favorites) but during the course of the regular meal the young boy decided that he was done eating. He picked up his food and threw it across the room and at his parents. In the boldness that only small (or particularly recalcitrant) children can convincingly muster he looked at his dad and said "raspberries?" The father, not being one to forsake his parental responsibility told his son no. He explained lovingly that the boy had chosen wrongly and his actions had consequences, including the loss of dessert that night. In the same way that the father in this story was frustrated by the responsibility of caring enough to remain consistent and loving while also wanting to give good things to his child I too was stuck in that place with some of the decisions this week. And because unless you're already in the loop this probably seems incredibly vague... Hopefully it'll be helpful for those who walked that road with me. But regardless, I'll move on. (read Proverbs 3:12 on this too)

In what little training we could get done as a group on the weekend, I presented a challenge to the staff. We took on the simple challenge of "Love God, Love others". A profoundly difficult reality, but in my mind a week ago was something that needed to be the core of success. As a matter of fact it seemed to be the only thing that mattered. (something that became more and more true as the week went on, but I'll leave that until part 2) I also got the chance to see 'my' worship leader in action as he led the staff in group worship/prayer sessions in lieu of training due to complications. Despite the behind the scenes chaos I could see and feel the presence of God, and the week hadn't even begun.

Next time on the N-Quadrant. Kids, kids, everywhere! Rain, rain, come again! (all week long) and the shadow of doubt.

Thanks for coming back even when I don't update for a week :)
-Nick

3.16 The one with 1000 words.

So I'm directing next week... and because of that this picture seems to capture the current "update"

3.15 a list of issues to pray for

Things to remember in your prayers:
Several of the staff are fighting illnesses, in perhaps a perfect storm these are also some of the new staff. So in a team ministry when one is struggling it ripples. So everyone is working a little harder.

Combine this with the fact that the summer staff is a little smaller this year and chores are a little larger and it's an endurance game to be sure.

Also we've got a huge group of great campers, who we love but are not short on challenges. Pray for wisdom and patience as we desk with them.

I'm beginning to get sore from being on my feet too long (happens every summer), it wasn't as quick to set in as wrangling but that's the first sign that I'm running low on fuel. And I've gotta direct next week...

Tomorrow we do the last rappelling for the week and we've got an all camp activity called the "amazing (g)race" which should be fairly awesome.

Breakfast comes soon and I need all the sleep I can get. Gnite my friends

3.14 Lake day! and prep for next week.

Today we went to the lake and swam, splashed and generally got sand (and a few ants) everywhere. The kids seemed to enjoy it and as I watched from the fire pit they also seemed to plop into bedtime a bit easier too.

I took the morning to do "directerly" things and spent the morning on the phone, texting, calling, and otherwise trying to tie up as many loose ends for next week as possible. But despite that I'm still showing a few gaps.

So... Please remember me/us in your prayers as I try to pull it together here. Last year I planned out a lot of things, many of which didn't work out but at least looked decent before camp started. This year... The pre-camp process (recruiting, coordinating schedules so we don't run into conflicts etc) has been very difficult to get done. At this point I'm doing what I can but I'm also trusting and praying that God provides what He has planned because I'm not entirely sure how it's going to work out.

And on that note... I'm going to bed. We've got a full day of activities planned tomorrow and the ropes don't set themselves up before breakfast.

3.13 the day of firsts

Today was the first day with campers living here. The first day I was rappelling crew instead of a wrangler. The first day I led night games for the summer. And in all cases it was a successful day.

We've got a fairly challenging group of kids this week in many ways. A handful of em are a bit hard to manage and many others are just hyper and push us because we're not into our stride yet. Pray that we can rise to the challenges.

It was a great day though. I hurt in peculiar places from hard work at things I don't do often, but it was fun and fulfilling.

However tomorrow is lake day (due to weather it was moved up to Tuesday) and I need my sleep.

-Nick
P.s. thank you from the depths of my soul for all of the support and encouragement yesterday, it was very powerful.

3.12 In which it gets real...

Fathers day. 

Once an easy, barely noteworthy, day. A day when I told my dad that he did a great job as a father and he tried to dodge the compliment (turns out I'm more like him than I knew back then). But saying my dad was a great father seemed almost as redundant as him saying that he loved us. It meant a great deal collectively, but in the moment it was such an obvious truth and so normal that it was routine. I remember many times rolling my eyes when dad would ask us "guess what?!" to which we'd inevitably roll our eyes and he'd say "I love you a whole bunch". 

I can clearly remember the last time I spoke to my father, a few days before he left for Minnesota. We talked about my decision to go back to college by way of Grace University, we talked about the things I'd been reading in the word lately and we got a little excited (or heated depending on who you ask) and didn't end the conversation on a complete resolution. He still wasn't sure I was making a completely informed decision and I was sick of trying to convince him that day. I figured I'd have a solid 8 months or so to make my point so we agreed to table it for a few weeks. I packed up my things, loaded my car, did a quick walk-through of the guest room and bathroom to make sure I didn't forget anything and then slipped out the side door to leave. As I was halfway to the driveway dad came bursting out of the door, quick-walked up to me and said "guess what I forgot?" I chuckled, gave him a hug and  he told me he loved me. Then I walked to my car and drove off. And the oddest thing was he stood on the front porch and watched me drive off... and the next time I saw him he was lying in a hospital bed in the Mayo Clinic, and even though I got to talk at him... we never had the privilege of speaking again. I don't even know if he heard us. 

It has been a year and a half later, and most days I can live confident in the fact that my Father is in the company of the savior that he loved far more than he did me and my siblings, or my mother. I can rest assured that I was blessed beyond measure to have 26 years of a wonderful dad, something many would consider akin to a fairy-tale. I can be proud of my father for being tough on his sons because he viewed his job as training us not to need him. A job he did well... and one that we needed far sooner than any of us expected. 

But days like today... When the whole country is told to appreciate fathers. None of those things are foremost in my mind. They're there to be sure... but they're overshadowed by the fact that it just hurts. It hurts to know my nephews joyfully greet their uncles and aunts, and ask about Oma (grandma in dutch tradition) but that they will never know their Opa. It hurts that my little sister doesn't have her daddy to call up on the phone and talk through the day with. It hurts that when I make a decision I'm always a bit uncertain because I haven't had the opportunity to run it by dad and answer his concerns and questions. It hurts to see my mother living the painful reality that "death do us part" is part of this journey too. And it hurts that I'll probably never hear the comparison "you're so like your dad" again. 

And so today... I'm skipping church and I'm going to taco johns for lunch. Not because that's anything special or significant. But because today... I'm not strong enough to get jokingly asked by clueless people if I called my dad, or to see the pitying looks of those in the know when this "should" be a day of joy. You have your joy and special fathers day service, I have no grudge whatsoever... But I'll take my pain and go eat tacos. And this afternoon when it's time to start a fresh week of camp. I'll do my best to put that away and work as hard as I can to do the best job I can. After all that's one of the many things my father taught me, and a lesson that he lived well. 

-Nick

3.11 A "guest" post

Coherency is in short supply and today is a tough day for me. So rather than stumbling through a post right now in going to highly recommend you go read this:

http://www.stpetersfireside.org/2014/06/fathers-day-superheroes-villains-meet/

An article written by my incredibly talented sister about father's day. I hope you enjoy it, I  know I sure did.

3.10 The best way to kill an audience is to stop delivering content... oops

As promised here's a more substantial update! When last we saw our hero the tail end of VBS was in sight. He was optimistic about the upcoming archery event and was filled with idle daydreams where tiny robin hood esqe children fired bows with extreme accuracy and glee. Sadly this was not the reality that greeted him. The day dawned bright as the two before, slightly warm but not uncomfortably so. But this day (wednesday) was not like his two older brothers, for wednesday possessed the gift of a cool northwesterly wind. And Wednesday did so enjoy using his gift upon the unprepared children who were chilly and in danger of being miserable at the archery range. But never fear! Our hero leapt to the challenge and through a combination of charisma and raw brute strength succeeded in entertaining the children by giving them rides on his back and racing them across the open field to keep them warm and happy.

Thursday was a day of training... training, and more training. and that afternoon we conducted our annual rite of passage to walk out to the cross and sign our names. (one of my favorite "new" traditions) And that was the easy part... from there we hiked (blindfolded) in partners for what seemed like quite a while, played 4-team tug-of-war and then hiked for another few miles to our eventual campsite for the night. As always the "adventure" of assembling our tents was a challenge and after adding some para-cord to one of the tents it was in good shape. The other tent sadly was missing a few of its posts so we made it into an impromptu A-frame by re-purposing four of the pole sections into large stakes and tying off the corners with another length of para cord. (I was really glad I remembered to bring a bundle of that stuff).

Many hot dogs were consumed, and in the morning even more bacon. Probably the best breakfast I've ever had at camp this year (if not ever) was eaten and thankfully we only had to hike to the top of a nearby hill to catch a ride back to camp.

Today we cleaned... and cleaned, and cleaned, and generally put the finishing touches on the camp in preparation for our big open-house tomorrow. The place looks great and it'll be fun to share it with everyone. We even hung the banners in the main hall straight! Which involved me scampering up a 20 foot ladder to hammer them into place... it was a terrifying process but they do look good (if I do say so myself).

And on that note... I need to make my sleeping quarters presentable to the public tomorrow, and perhaps help with a lil kitchen prep. So I should hit the hay.

Thanks to everyone that texted, emailed, and commented over the last few days wondering what was going on and extending prayers and encouragement. It was greatly appreciated and made a few days of growth into something good.

-Nick

3.10 another stealthy short one

We're camping out tonight and it's unlikely I'll have cell service to update. Full update tomorrow my friends.

3.9 the post is a lie

This post is here. But it's not anything of substance. Sleep now.

3.8 VBS n other sundry things!

The last two days (and tomorrow) we're pulling half-day schedules. Half of the day we're training in prep for our summer-long jobs, and half of the day we're helping with VBS!

I am on the "target activity" crew. Which means we did BB guns yesterday, tomahawks today, and will do archery tomorrow! It has been quite fun to see the tiny people get into the activities and just generally be excited about almost anything we act excited about. 

And after a few hours out on the tomahawk range I also managed to add a new layer of sunburn despite applying sunscreen semi-regularly. unfortunately it wasn't regularly enough I suppose... but I'm starting to get a little bit of a tan on my legs (which is new and exciting) and whatnot. 

Umm... I'm pretty tired and spent most of my productive hours this evening doing director-ly things to try and prepare for my week which is rapidly approaching (the 22nd is so soon...) I've got good leads on a few counselors, so it might actually come together but... we'll see. 

I'm gonna go to bed. Sleep is a valuable commodity and the caffeine/dew detox is getting a bit rough at times. I imagine it'll be worth it though once it finally gets out of my system. I did also get my 3 nalgenes of water knocked out today, it's getting easier and easier. 

3.7 A safe haven indeed.

As you are hopefully aware, the name of the camp where I'm working is Haven on the Rock. A name that was chosen a few years ago as two mighty legacies merged into camp as we know it today. When that name was chosen it resonated with many of us on the board as something that we all recognized or remembered camp being. A safe place, a shelter, a haven.

We have always intended our camp to be a safe place for kids and staff to come together and learn more about Jesus and how He intends this ministry to develop. And it should come as no surprise that once we did so that God ordained broken, hurting, people to be drawn here. I was one of those people even before the name happened and I know I wouldn't be the man I am today without this place. And the healing that can happen in a place like this is nothing short of incredible.

So... Please remember the crew that works incredibly hard to make camp the best it can possibly be. We are committed to making this a safe haven for every child that comes out. And many of us need it too. Pray for an abundance of grace and peace as we move forward into the main stretch of camp and that we're overwhelmed with His presence and love.

And at the risk of leaving it super abstract... I will. Goodnight!
-Nick

3.6 A bit of vulnerability

For those who have been reading this chronicle for a while know that I started this exercise in mental processing as a means of self-expression, as a record of incredibly powerful seasons in my life, and as a way for you my readers to keep me in your thoughts and prayers through the ups and downs of a summer of camp. It is in these traditions that I write tonight.

I could tell you that the day consisted of church, and lunch, and finishing the latest Dresden files book (yep the one I started a short time ago, I read fast and I put the afternoon into it) or how we burned off a pile of things and how that fire will still be going strong by the time I write this. But that is not my purpose tonight...

Instead I'm going to try to articulate something that I need your prayers about. First let me begin by saying that I think we've got a great team for the summer, even though we're not quite meshing as readily as last year. This could be partly due to the good problem of having a lot of returning staff this year and the perception that we all "know" each other well. The only issue between those old relationships is a year of growth which throws off the dynamics in subtle but very real ways.

Within that I'm feeling a bit uncertain this year. For those of you that are not aware I'm not working with the horses this year, Instead I'll be out on the rappelling wall with my good friend Hunter. It's a minor skill-set of mine, and I'm looking forward to learning more and getting more proficient in it. But that won't start until the tail end of the week at best guess. Until then I'm attempting to find parts of camp I can claim for my own and improve to the best of my ability... but that's hard to find, and in my seeking my own place I have stepped on the toes of those around me on several occasions.

Anyway... This is probably a fairly confusing post. or maybe not... but it's an honest one.

Tomorrow (looks at clock. I mean today) begins at 7:30 and I should probably try to get some sleep. I desperately need your texts/emails/comments or letters my friends. This is going to be a growing summer... and the fall should be even more so.

-Nick

3.5 the post that is today, and the post that was not yesterday all in one.

As at least 6 of you noticed, I didn't post yesterday. This was partially due to a full day... and mostly due to filling the tail end of the day with physical labor (or proximity to) until midnight. And at that time my bed had a more compelling siren song then the internet did. This will happen from time to time... and although I am as disappointed as you are it would be too much to expect of myself to post every day all summer. And that will have to be ok.

However, what did yesterday hold you might ask? Well let me go back... (if this blog post had a soundtrack here would have some fog drifting in and lil flashback noises playing) yesterday.. we did a handful more training sessions out of the staff manual and covered such fun topics as the importance of rest and levels of communication and how they relate to perceived intimacy/vulnerability and so forth. It was a long day but not a terribly difficult one in the grand scheme of things. Until supper was an hour late... then the claws came out. But the food did arrive and was quite edible and we're all friends again.

I did have some pent up frustration (more than I realized) from the course of the week and stole a bit of a good friend's time to vent, and cry a lil (it happens) and altogether just process the last week in a social manner. It was incredibly good and let the pressure out of a few wrong lines of thinking. I'm blessed that there are many of those types of friends out here at camp every year.

The training day wrapped after supper and I noticed my good buddy Zach working at an incredible rate (the guy really does get a shocking amount done in a day) on the newest cabin (there will be 4 when it's done!) and that he might need an extra set of hands for parts of it. I chipped in and after keeping up with him for a little under an hour (or what seemed like that long anyway) I took a little break while he did a part that didn't require help. I spent that time chatting with his wife who was also working away faithfully in the snack shack until the wee hours. It was great to share a little bit of my struggles the past year and get caught up on what God has been doing in her life this year. she got me crying a few times again too (turns out it's not just the weather that is more prone to rain this week). Suffice it to say it was a joy to spend time with my dear friends again. And it felt good to crawl into bed at the end and be a little sore, but in a good way.

I rolled out of bed at the crack of 10 am this morning (it's saturday, don't judge me like that). Got up, and read a few chapters of the latest Dresden Files book on my e-reader. I hadn't even realized it was out until my little brother asked me if I'd read it yet. So far it's good stuff as always.

After that a few of us rolled out to scottsbluff to take in a movie and to partake of the calorie intensive goodness that is sonic. And the outing was a success on all fronts. We saw Edge of Tomorrow and I was quite impressed. The special effects and alien design were quite good, the exo-skeletons were surprisingly plausible and the plot was remarkably cohesive considering the genre of time-loops. It was a little rough around the edges at times (the soldiers were fairly... colorful?) but all in all I quite enjoyed it.

The drive home was smooth sailing and here I sit. Regaling you with the tale... so you're caught up! Tomorrow's post won't be so much narrative as just personal though/rambling. but I think I'll leave it here for the night.

know that if you took the time to read this that I appreciate it. When I miss a day and I hear about it from multiple people it's a huge motivator and an encouragement that you even notice.

If you're in the mood/spirit to pray for me, my needs have not changed much from thursday and I listed them in the 3.4 post. I encourage you to reference them there.

Be Blessed my friends and enjoy your Sabbath!
-Nick

3.4 the first team building day

Training today was a bit more chaotic than normal but was fairly productive, our missing comrades show up later tonight and tomorrow we wrap for the week (I think)

I did hit my quota for water again (something I'll stop commenting on once it's more habitual) and by the time supper rolled around I was exhausted. Couldn't figure out why... Until I remembered that I hasn't had any soda or caffeine of any kind today. Despite being tempted to purchase some dew at a gas station we stopped at. Because of that I'm going to bed soon...

Pre-registration for camps are already far ahead of last year which is a great problem to have when you're fully staffed. As I'm still sitting on quite a few counselor slots I'm getting more worried daily.

Short post tonight. Gonna do some reading and try to be out by 11.

3.4 the first team building day

Training today was a bit more chaotic than normal but was fairly productive, our missing comrades show up later tonight and tomorrow we wrap for the week (I think)

I did hit my quota for water again (something I'll stop commenting on once it's more habitual) and by the time supper rolled around I was exhausted. Couldn't figure out why... Until I remembered that I hasn't had any soda or caffeine of any kind today. Despite being tempted to purchase some dew at a gas station we stopped at. Because of that I'm going to bed soon...

Pre-registration for camps are already far ahead of last year which is a great problem to have when you're fully staffed. As I'm still sitting on quite a few counselor slots I'm getting more worried daily.

Short post tonight. Gonna do some reading and try to be out by 11.

3.3 A short post via smartphone.

Training started off today and it's going fairly well. I always have a hard time getting excited for largely the same info as years past but there has been plenty of new things and whatnot that it has been an overall pleasant day.

One thing that has been added is a worship set right after breakfast and another supper (the beginning and end of the training day). And it was decent...

Once I was able to shut my brain off about who's singing sharp and where the tune derailed entirely it was semi beneficial to me. As some of you know I struggle to worship through live music because I have a hard time turning off my sound guy instincts. It also didn't help that they choose to sing "10,000 reasons" during both sets; a song and album which were very meaningful through the process of mourning my father. A process that is far from over... So every time I hear that song I remember the funeral and while it's a find memory it's also a sad one.

Hit my three nalgene target again! At this rate my body might realize what to do with a sufficient water supply again. Hope that adjustment happens quickly.

Tonight most of the staff are playing a hectic game of Quelf. Looks zany... But I'm pretty wiped. Only one can of soda today for sugar drinks or caffeine, combine that with a short sleep last night and it makes sense I'm dragging a bit. Probably read a Lil bit and crash soon.

Most of the stragglers get here tomorrow night. Pray for safe travel as they drive most of the day.

I am still short counselors for my week (the last in June) and that's getting more stressful as it gets rapidly closer. Pray that the right people materialize soon.

And last but not least... I'm here, and I have enough to get me to Omaha in July, but money is super tight. Pray that support letters yield a response, or that readers feel prompted to give.

-Nick
P.s. I typed this on my phone so I apologize for any autocorrect errors.

3.2 The gang's all here. (except lots are missing)

Yesterday after posting I noticed that from time to time I don't explain all of the references that the titles suggest. While in a perfect world I might go back and fix those titles so as not to give the wrong impression... but I'd rather reliably update instead of being a perfectionist about it.

Today was a good day. Everyone scrambled to get their own stuff done and I was no exception. I did lots of things that unfortunately don't have much of a tangible effect. I'm still a bit shy on counselors... but there are a few hopes now that I didn't have a day ago (and a few glimmers that have faded into nothing as well) Please continue to pray that I get the staff that I need for the upcoming week.

I scrubbed out a horrific fridge today and as I was doing so I remember commenting that the bottom reminded me of the bottom of a birdcage combined with a rabbit hutch. While this is a shocking combination it also served to remind me that I've done some absolutely incredible things working at camp. (including cleaning out those animal pens) Even though it's occasionally frightening I don't regret it in the least. And I can't wait to see how my boundaries will be stretched this year too.

I also had the opportunity to introduce a large section of the staff to the game "pairs" tonight. It's such a simple game that it gets people distracted enough to just talk and to let their guard down just a little. It was a blast to play a few rounds (even though I think I lost a disproportionate amount, but who's counting?)

It was great to see so many old friends trickle in and jump to work almost immediately. Combined with a few new faces and camp is already starting to become more lively. Staff training begins in earnest tomorrow morning and most of the stragglers will sneak in on Thursday night.

I also managed to get my gear moved from my car to the barracks with a little (read: a LOT) of help from others. It's far from organized but at least I'll have the choice to not sleep in a sleeping bag tonight which I may or may not take advantage of... we'll see.

I also got a cool opportunity to do some stargazing this evening and saw the rings of Saturn, Jupiter and his moons, and a few galaxies n' nebulae. It was quite chilly (I forgot to grab a jacket on my way out the door) but was well worth the shivers and whatnot.

Last but not least, I consumed no less than 3 Nalgene bottles of water. I think the humidity (or lack thereof) and altitude are larger factors than they have been in years past. Omaha made me soft!

also i'm an "old man" and my bed is calling. Gnite my friends!
-Nick

3.1 Of Frolf Frisbees, Fuzzy Horses, and Frankfurters.

Hmm lessee... I arrived at camp this afternoon to be greeted by a host of new things! The first of which was that the gate to camp is now framed by some imposing posts and eventually (I'm told) there will be a sign hanging there. It reminded me of the main gate to the camp I grew up at and thus I highly approve.

I then discovered a new building now sits beside the snack shack! And the decrepit building next to the farm (Think petting zoo) is gone! Both exciting developments to be sure. We also acquired a new stagecoach sitting spot alongside the road. Initially It's not really my 'cup of tea' so to speak but I took a good look at it later this evening and it seems like it might be a fairly comfy spot. And it does look surprisingly rustic considering it's made of composite material. And there are a host of other things that have been done. Zach (our facility director) and a host of volunteers have been incredibly busy and it is immediately apparent the second you drive in. What a blessing it is to have a constantly improving facility. I can't say enough good things about all the work that has been done... and I've just been told of a few others that I didn't notice yet.

I also had the fun opportunity to play a nice game of "QUILTING" (don't worry it's just PIG or HORSE with a longer random word) while we were putting with Frisbee golf disks. It was great to swap stories and chat about the things we've been digging out of the word and just catch up.

So, for those who are just joining us. yesterday I wrote my support letter (you can read it here) in which I do the necessary evil of asking for money... Sadly I am aware that most of my readers are as financially strapped as I am... and that somewhat worries me to be perfectly honest. Please be praying for me in this area.

Also please be praying for the prep for the week that I'm directing. I'm still lacking some counselors and I'm beginning to freak out a Lil' bit. So on the off chance that you know someone who loves Jesus, working with junior highers, and is willing to work in Wyoming for a week (for free). Send em my way!

Also it's getting late and I'm not entirely awake... So I'm calling it a night my friends!
-Nick

3.01 A request for support.

Dear Friends,

This year I have the incredible opportunity to return to Haven on the Rock for another summer of ministry.  This will be my fourth year out there and I’m quite excited to go back.  

That having been said, I’m only able to return to camp each year because of those who generously support me financially, prayerfully, and otherwise. And this year is no exception.

How can you help you might ask? Honestly, the most tangible way is financially. At Haven we want anyone to be able to come to camp, and to keep costs low the staff work for very little. Because of this and returning to school this past fall, I’m at a point where my continued ability to work at camp is dependent on raising support.

This year my financial needs will be $2500 in support. This will cover the costs of the summer and help with necessary expenses such as food, gas, and clothing. (No shiny new Ipad, don’t worry) and I’d be honored if you’d partner with me in this ministry.

If you are unable to give financially I also need your prayers and encouragement. To help you with that you can follow my (nearly) daily updates at nquadrant.blogspot.com. (You can also read the accounts of the last two summers there if you’re so inclined) It is a great way to live the daily highs and lows of a summer at camp. I always appreciate hearing that people enjoy my writing and an encouraging comment goes a long way. It is also a great way to stay current on specific ways to pray for me, and camp in general and without your prayers I would not be able to do what I do.

Donations can be sent via the following methods:

Mail a check to:                                   Donate Online:

Haven on the Rock 560 Rimrock Road Ft. Laramie, WY 82212 Write: "Nick Oegema support" in the memo line.

OR

Browse to Havenontherock.org Click on the “donate” tab. Login or create an account (a quick process) Select Summer Staff as the type of donation Enter “Nick Oegema” as the staff member Enter your method of payment and submit!

Blessings my Friends!

-Nick Oegema

3.0 Three years?! Let it begin again!

Yep you read that right! 3.1! The third chronicle has begun! While I won't physically be at camp until tomorrow I was doing a great deal of last minute prep today and thus it seemed appropriate to begin my annual recording now rather than tomorrow.

While this will actually my fourth summer in Wyoming, it is the 3rd  one that I've committed to keeping a record of. The first year was lost in the sands of memory and to be fair I was spiritually a walking-wounded that first year and thus it's probably for the best that I didn't share the inner monologue that year.

In any case, here begins the blog MKIII. It is highly likely that I'll be updating nearly daily (or as close as I can get). Judging from years past you can anticipate 4-7 posts a week. It should be an interesting journey as I'm always a little different person as I come into the season. This year is no different. I never know what the summer holds or what I'm supposed to learn this year...

Year zero (the lost year) I'd summarize it in the following: Hope Realized. I was surprised by the incredible richness of finding a new camp family (which is not to say anything bad about the one I grew up with) but I figured I'd aged past the opportunity to be involved in a camp full-time again. I was welcomed even though I was a mess... Physically I was VERY overweight (to be fair that isn't entirely untrue now.. but to a much lesser degree), pale as a ghost from working overnights, and spiritually I was still shaky from a dark season just prior. I didn't dare to hope that it would be as good as I remembered camp being, but I found healing and renewal and made many friends whom I still count among my closest even these years later.

The first year (the ones that are just labeled with days not year numbers in the archive) my best recollection (I could go back and read the archive I suppose...) would be Joy. I rediscovered a passion for camp ministry and realized the shadow I was the year before. Instead of being sad about the past I pressed forward glorying in restored strength and I look at the things I accomplished that year with a little jealousy because it came so easy, and at the end I was ready to collapse but I still had a huge grin because I felt so alive! I didn't even need a nap during the day until the last few weeks of camp!

Last year is the clearest in my memory. The theme in my mind was Faithfulness. I had recently lost my father and once again was spiritually a walking-wounded. But I had a host of new responsibilities and carried more on my shoulders than I ever had. It wore on me in powerful ways and always dogging my steps was a undeniable fatigue and a temptation to just give up. I'd like to say that I fought it off every time but in reality it'd be a gracious interpretation to say that I was just one step ahead all summer. For survival I was forced to put one foot in front of the other, and I knew that if I stumbled... it'd get ugly quick. Thankfully I was given the energy I needed when I needed it and despite some of the most difficult situations we've ever faced at this camp (at least in the horse program) we made it.

This year? Who knows... I've been at Grace University in Omaha, Nebraska for the last year scraping together the rest of my Bachelors degree (stay in school kids, it's easier the first time). I've grown and been seasoned in ways I didn't expect... and it seems that all of the odd and bizarre things I've learned in my "random" journey to this point has been useful in one form or another.

Combine that with the fact that for the first time in Wyoming I won't be working as a wrangler, nor will I be the head of the team that I will be working with. In an exciting turn of events I'll be the rookie at the rappelling wall! (not to be confused with repelling; that takes a bit more bug spray and far less carabiners)
To be honest I'm not even sure if I'll have any official leadership role at all this year. Except for the week at the end of June that I'm directing I'm just one of the crew.

To be fair all of that is based entirely on the few emails I've received and largely by my own failure to multitask well while in school I'm quite out of the loop this year. You might even say that if the loop were to explode for some odd reason... I might not hear the sound for a few days, if ever. Quite the contrast to this time last year.

Anyway, The long and short of it is... the year is beginning! I'm finalizing my support letter (which should have been finished and sent months ago) tonight, and will try to stuff envelopes tonight too. But I'll be looking for addresses to send em to! If you want one (and many of you are getting them already) I'd love it if you'd send me a message on facebook, text, email, or comment here and I'll send you a hardcopy. Otherwise if you're all digital It'll be posted here in the next 24 hours.

Whomever you are reading this... I'm glad you're here. I hope you continue to join me for the no-doubt whirlwind ride ahead. At very least it should be somewhat entertaining!

-Nick

Sitting in SLC airport and thinking about some major blessings.

About 17 hours ago I woke up to a horrific truth. My insides were quite determined to make themselves my outsides. This continued for many hours and to spare you the gory details I didn't sleep much at all. My gracious host n hostess (my big bro and his wonderful wife) discovered this horrific fact in the early morning. From then on they became even more gracious, supplying me with Gatorade, Tylenol, Pepto-Bismol, and so on and so forth. It's quite nice when you're all messed up to have sympathetic people around to make you feel less guilty about being miserable. 

In fact we were all concerned about my ability to travel today as scheduled... to the point that I was offered the ability to stay longer, and even nudged that direction (before I fully recovered just in time). I couldn't help but remember a similar situation a few years back when I was spending the weekend at some dear friends house in Casper, WY. Unfortunately their regularly scheduled weekend guest also became ill, for the better part of a week... this didn't faze them in the slightest and despite my cave-dweller recovery period I was well taken care of. And when I finally left I genuinely felt like they were sad to see me go. 

Having been through a similar situation twice now, I can't begin to express how blessed I am. Both in the friends and the family that I get to orbit. As I sit here waiting for my layover to end, watching episodes of Top Gear on my phone, I am content. (thanks to wendys and a rapid recovery my belly is full too) The road ahead just gets more and more filled with things, but at the same time I'm less frightened and more eager than I've been in a long time. 

-Nick

On Rest and Adventure, and the elusive concept of normal.

I haven't written in a month... and what a month it has been! (aren't they all?) As is typical the last month went by in what now seems like an eye-blink. But somewhere in that instant was packed weeks of projects and final exams, new responsibilities, successes, and failures. I know I should post more when I forget all of the things that I've done since the last post... but alas that's difficult to do and no one wants me to post another apology about that... so further up and further in!

Finals went well albeit hectically and it was with no small amount of melancholy that I bid farewell to a hall full of crazy, loud-at-the-oddest-hours, friendly, eccentric men. It was a good year and I learned a lot about myself and how I've changed since I was last in that environment. It was a great year and in many ways Omaha is as much a home as anywhere else because of those guys. I can't wait to get back and do it again in the fall.

The day after the semester closed down I zipped off to the (not) cool and breezy place known as Phoenix Arizona to spend some time with my Brother, Sister-in-law, and two nephews. I also had the opportunity to go to the Grand Canyon with one of the guys from school, and to hike a lava cave outside of Flagstaff on Monday. It was an incredible study in contrasts with the sheer scale and dusty majesty of the Grand Canyon set against the cold and smooth darkness of the lava tunnel. Well worth the sunburn.

This week of vacation has been anything but normal, but it has also been the most restful and recuperative time I've had in months. I've been outside of my normal by a fair bit, both in the big ticket adventures (see above) and in the ones that I hope I remember for a very long time (such as running around the house with my nephew). I've slept a great deal, been blessed by amazing food, and am honestly humbled by the experience of being welcomed into an already busy home and made to feel like I belong here.

I can look back and see a year of faithfulness. Where the call to Omaha has led me through some incredible things. When I set out from Rapid having never been to Grace, I remember saying that if all I had was a few months that I was supposed to spend it in Omaha, and looking I don't regret a minute of it. I feel the same certainty for next year and who knows how long any of us have? I know this is a place and a ministry field worth being involved in, and until I'm called away it's where I'll be.

My heart is full, and despite my head being borderline (or more) frantic with camp just around the corner and far too many things not going as anticipated with planning. I can rest on this fact, that whatever the next wild-and-crazy year holds (I have a few guesses but I don't really know) It'll be a crazy ride and that all the eccentric bunny trails I took to get to this point will only be helpful as I move forward.

-Nick
P.S. camp season is coming soon, and with it return the daily updates for the third year!

Proof that I'm not a morning person

Some days my only goal for the evening is to get to sleep in a timely manner, thus making the early morning looming on the horizon slightly less brutal. Inevitably I'm always up later than I should be on those nights and as tonight was a similar experience I have decided not to use such a predictable and repeated problem as an excuse not to write.

Yesterday I “survived” a compound deadline and got a surprising amount of homework done, so to celebrate I did next to no homework today. Makes sense in the crazy logic of my own head at least... tomorrow I'm off to practicum hours in the morning and the spring leadership retreat in the afternoon, another step toward taking on my eventual responsibilities as a Resident Director here at school. It should be a fairly low-impact kind of day but is also an exciting milestone. I'm sure I'll talk about this lots as the fall rolls around... suffice it to say that some small (or not-so-small) part of me is expecting that good fortune to just vanish into thin air.

If I'm OK with God taking it away (which I am) I should also be OK with the blessing that it looks to be. I've heard that the most difficult times to live out your faith are when things are hard, or when they're really good. After all the apostle Paul said that he learned the secret of being content both in plenty and in want... This conflicts with some old self-deprecating habits and a history of pessimism. While I'm improving and am miles ahead of where I used to be, this is still an internal struggle.

Hmm... what else to talk about tonight... I'm intentionally writing these posts on my laptop while it isn't connected to the internet so that I don't just inundate my posts with links and media clips, not a habit I think I'll do for long but in this small way it has proved productive. However I am still using Spotify to play some music in the background. I mean, why not take advantage of the trappings of “civilization” when they're helpful. Tonight the soundtrack is some old acapella albums by Glad. I haven't decided if I like them because they remind me of good times in high school, or if they are actually good stuff. I may never know...

And on that note I should probably attempt to get some sleep as 6 AM is far too soon. On the off chance that anyone actually reads this... I hope you sleep well as well.

It doesn't have to make sense... or dollars.

Recently it was brought to my attention that I haven't posted in quite some time, and that the particular timing/content of my last post was somewhat worrisome. Having re-read my last few posts I would agree, and to be honest I have actually missed this venue and process of thought. Not enough to actually remind me to write... because I often remain a slave to 'inspiration' instead of just writing and seeing what comes out of my brain and through my fingers. Lucky for you I've decided to scamper down that rabbit hole tonight and see what comes out regardless.

But which tunnel to follow?

Perhaps I should paint in broad strokes where I am right now. I could describe the incredible growth I've been through the last short months, how I've made more friends than I thought myself capable and how life far outshines what I could have ever imagined coming back to college would be like.

I could look forward to the future and talk about opportunities both terrifying and exciting depending on the moment I'm considering them.

I could talk about the fact that even though I miss the presence of those I've lost... that they feel closer than they have since those mournful days. That I can finally look at what I've been able to accomplish here and accept that they would be proud of me.

I could write about silliness and how my brain spits out the most bizarre and shockingly horrific things when I run a fever, or that I've got a legion of friends who still put up with me after they were forced to tolerate me without most of my higher brain functions...

Instead I think I'll just ramble a bit and see how it feels, and on the way discover that I should be writing all of these things but they're too much to take all at once. Instead I'll leave it at this because in some ways it feels like coming home... Yeah... this feels good. It doesn't make sense and it is borderline coherent but sometimes that's ok too.

A year.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my worst day.

One year ago I was forced to say goodbye to my Father in a hospital room in Rochester Minnesota.

I've tried to write this half a dozen times today... and failed miserably each time, until now.

Why? Because today was so very much easier than I expected. And so very much worse than I could have anticipated. To be perfectly honest I went to sleep last night somewhat dreading today, but when I awoke this morning I was so busy with getting to the right class on time that I honestly forgot to take note until I was sitting at lunch and a close friend pinned me down and asked how I was doing. And then asked again. And demanded a real answer. At that point it all began to come back. I left lunch and quickly headed back to my room... and curled up in bed in an almost identical fashion to a hotel room a year ago. An indeterminate amount of time later I fell asleep and when I awoke the numbness that was life for most of February had settled over me... and I haven't really been able to shake it, and I'm not sure I want to.

Now, I should also mention that today wasn't all miserable, in fact as I mentioned it was also easier than I expected. I've had several friends text, or ask, how I'm doing knowing and caring deeply that the answer was unlikely to be good and offering whatever support they can. I also get to lean on the wonderful picture of faithfulness we were blessed with this week; Even as we mourn the passing of a year, and the unfortunate truth that both John Sr. (my grandpa) and John Jr. (my dad) are no longer here... John David Oegema (my newly born second nephew, given a mighty namesake from both sides of his family) has joined us with impeccable timing.

I should also mention that even as I slipped out of the cafeteria with my rapidly decaying emotional state I checked my mailbox to find a letter from my dear Aunt and Uncle who were with us that day. Expressing the shared pain and an enduring hope: That Dad is gone, but that his (and my) redeemer lives and is at work even now through this.

The simple act of being given a plant as a reminder of life amongst the unavoidable pain of death. Not knowing quite what to send when her first choice was gone, my Mother told the florist to send "something that'd go well in a college guy's room" and having them deliver a vibrant bamboo plant. The same wood that was used to make a small box where Dad's ashes were placed. Coincidence? perhaps, but either way a blessing.

And the brotherly pride of reading the words of others (my sister) who are suffering through this in their own way, amidst the pain of searching for my own thoughts. And the blessing of finally finding some however inadequate this is.

I miss you dear ol' Dad... I wish you could have been there to see the coyotes game on new years, you would have had a blast. I wish you could have met your namesake. I wish I could have let you know how well I did this last semester, and the wonderful community I've found here in Omaha. And more than anything I wish I could give you a hug... and let you know that I love you. But I can't...

Right now I just have the pain, and the knowledge that for many tomorrows I'll be forced to walk this road without him. But thanks to the crazy, mind-boggling grace of God we'll be together again, and I can't wait to tell Dad everything I've learned while I waited for that time.