Proof that I'm not a morning person

Some days my only goal for the evening is to get to sleep in a timely manner, thus making the early morning looming on the horizon slightly less brutal. Inevitably I'm always up later than I should be on those nights and as tonight was a similar experience I have decided not to use such a predictable and repeated problem as an excuse not to write.

Yesterday I “survived” a compound deadline and got a surprising amount of homework done, so to celebrate I did next to no homework today. Makes sense in the crazy logic of my own head at least... tomorrow I'm off to practicum hours in the morning and the spring leadership retreat in the afternoon, another step toward taking on my eventual responsibilities as a Resident Director here at school. It should be a fairly low-impact kind of day but is also an exciting milestone. I'm sure I'll talk about this lots as the fall rolls around... suffice it to say that some small (or not-so-small) part of me is expecting that good fortune to just vanish into thin air.

If I'm OK with God taking it away (which I am) I should also be OK with the blessing that it looks to be. I've heard that the most difficult times to live out your faith are when things are hard, or when they're really good. After all the apostle Paul said that he learned the secret of being content both in plenty and in want... This conflicts with some old self-deprecating habits and a history of pessimism. While I'm improving and am miles ahead of where I used to be, this is still an internal struggle.

Hmm... what else to talk about tonight... I'm intentionally writing these posts on my laptop while it isn't connected to the internet so that I don't just inundate my posts with links and media clips, not a habit I think I'll do for long but in this small way it has proved productive. However I am still using Spotify to play some music in the background. I mean, why not take advantage of the trappings of “civilization” when they're helpful. Tonight the soundtrack is some old acapella albums by Glad. I haven't decided if I like them because they remind me of good times in high school, or if they are actually good stuff. I may never know...

And on that note I should probably attempt to get some sleep as 6 AM is far too soon. On the off chance that anyone actually reads this... I hope you sleep well as well.

It doesn't have to make sense... or dollars.

Recently it was brought to my attention that I haven't posted in quite some time, and that the particular timing/content of my last post was somewhat worrisome. Having re-read my last few posts I would agree, and to be honest I have actually missed this venue and process of thought. Not enough to actually remind me to write... because I often remain a slave to 'inspiration' instead of just writing and seeing what comes out of my brain and through my fingers. Lucky for you I've decided to scamper down that rabbit hole tonight and see what comes out regardless.

But which tunnel to follow?

Perhaps I should paint in broad strokes where I am right now. I could describe the incredible growth I've been through the last short months, how I've made more friends than I thought myself capable and how life far outshines what I could have ever imagined coming back to college would be like.

I could look forward to the future and talk about opportunities both terrifying and exciting depending on the moment I'm considering them.

I could talk about the fact that even though I miss the presence of those I've lost... that they feel closer than they have since those mournful days. That I can finally look at what I've been able to accomplish here and accept that they would be proud of me.

I could write about silliness and how my brain spits out the most bizarre and shockingly horrific things when I run a fever, or that I've got a legion of friends who still put up with me after they were forced to tolerate me without most of my higher brain functions...

Instead I think I'll just ramble a bit and see how it feels, and on the way discover that I should be writing all of these things but they're too much to take all at once. Instead I'll leave it at this because in some ways it feels like coming home... Yeah... this feels good. It doesn't make sense and it is borderline coherent but sometimes that's ok too.