Day 23. The one in which i'm full of shtuf. (arguably all of them)

Today was a good day. It was not a particularly difficult day, nor was it a particularly easy day... but it was a good day if for no other reason than I was able to get done what I needed to, and I grew just a little bit. I'll cover the timeline in broad strokes before I expound further.

Today began with a fairly low-key morning, unloaded my stuff from the suburban and generally just killed some time while waiting for the time when we'd have to go out to camp and where our to-do list could come to full fruition. Once we got all of that figured out and lined up (I mostly just sat around wishing I could help) we grabbed some lumber and headed out to camp. Upon our arrival we ate lunch and then finished up the snazzy new staircase off of the backside of the camp building. Not only is it very nice and useful as an aid for traffic in and out of the building but it also is a permanent fix to a fire code issue. (as I understand it we weren't in violation but we are in better shape now) During the morning I got a chance to spend some time with danny, one pair of our directors (we're led by two married pairs) son. It was a blast just to see his childish glee and how very few things are insignificant to a child. I'll likely write a full post on this at some point during primary camp but I'll merely say that It reminded me of my friends kids back home and that was both fun and made me miss them as well.

After completing our carpentry we fed horses and headed home. (home right now being torington) We enjoyed a tasty supper that was a group effort and enjoyed the steady stream of the rest of the camp team reuniting with us. It was great to see the crew back together and It just reminded me that the end of camp isn't far away... Seasons are powerful but they do come to an end far too swiftly. But enough on that point! On to the real reason I decided to write this tonight instead of waiting until the morning. 

At one point in the evening I was chatting with one of the gals on staff and she challenged me with a question that I did not have an immediate response to. I paused for a moment and then launched into a half-formed idea that really had no basis in reality nor adequately captured the point I was trying to make. She quietly looked away and commented that I was full of excrement. (that's not the word she used but... I'll just substitute that for now.) It startled me for a moment and stopped me in my tracks. Even now a few hours later It's still rattling around in my brain that she was (and is) completely right.

For as long as I can remember I've always loved to be the guy who knew stuff. Really about anything. I love being able to jump into nearly every conversation and have something relevant and interesting to add. In many ways this is a profound weakness of mine to this day and even more so in the past it caused me to just add my own made up or partially unknown thoughts to a conversation figuring that if I didn't know odds are the other people wouldn't either and I might be able to bluff my way into looking smart. To this day I'm still very bad about opening my mouth and just talking my way out of things that I really should just chew on for a while and I also find it very difficult to admit that I can't explain something. Sometimes I'll think or feel something and I'll cheapen it with half baked and inadequate chatter and miss the whole point. Because of that I'm always thankful when people call me on these sorts of moments (maybe not at the time but I come around eventually) and I'd like to hope that these sorts of reminders are fewer and further between than they used to be. I'm still growing and hopefully will wake up tomorrow a bit better than the garbled incoherent mess I was today. More importantly I pray that tomorrow I wake up a bit closer to the man that God would have me become. I'm by no means there yet... and I stub my toes altogether too often on this road... but I'm a little bit closer perhaps, and that is thanks to friends who are encouraging and honest (which isn't always encouraging, but is often necessary anyway) regardless of the short term ramifications.

It's good to have the team back and it's great to be reminded that my host of weaknesses are not the same ones shared by this incredibly gifted team. I only hope (and ask your prayers for) that my strengths are able to help the team as well. God is good and I'm just glad he lets broken people tag along for the ride. 

-Nick

disclaimer: i'm not depressed or in a bad mood at all. In fact i'm quite optimistic about the rest of the summer. So no worrying about me being in a bad place emotionally. Besides even if I was (which i'm not)... normal people are allowed those sometimes, at least that's what I hear.