2.46 the one with a fun night game (and a list!)

A lot has happened since last I wrote... Two days is far too long to not record what has happened and unfortunately I lose too much when I stick to this frequency.

Previously in this space I mentioned my car troubles... and I sadly do not have any updates on that front.

In the last 2 days...(in no particular order)

I have felt ill... and started to fell better.

I have been on a trail ride

I have gone canoeing down a river

I have played more ice cream ultimate and won! (go staff team)

I have realized that in 3 weeks this will be over...

I have talked with friends and comrades, learned things about myself and aquired new things to ponder and examine

I have felt myself a failure

I have seen myself a success.

I have hurt for the loss of another member of our team

I have played mission impossible and been allowed to sit on top of a building and shine a spotlight at people

I have decided to end this list and go to bed.

2.45 the second post today... And the one where my car broke

Since I posted this morning we've 'started' a week of camp. Also I had the joyful experience of pulling up to a stop sign and having my car die and not start again. We're not yet sure what is causing it... Once we do it'll be subjected to the "is it worth fixing" filter.

I'm back at camp due to the charity of other staff members...and I've been told we can check or a few things on the car later this week. Annoyed only begins to capture my thoughts on the subject... If I can't get my car working I might need my mom to come get me from camp at the end... Whee.

2.44 the one with another song in it

It appears that I'm on a every other day schedule lately...

Yesterday I made a solo drive down to Cheyenne. It was quite enjoyable to make the trek and mid-drive I saw a storm front move across the road. On my left I saw clear skies and sunshine and on my right was a wall of rain and dark and hail. Once it swept over the road it was heavy enough that I had to pull over and stop for a few moments.

Finally I arrived in Cheyenne and undertook the real purpose of my drive. Barnes and noble is a great place... And I spent a bit more than I planned but I also got a nice pile of books that should keep me going until school starts. It makes me glad to have books to read again.

This morning I got up and just made it to early service on time (which is currently going on, yes I know I'm a terrible person) and at the beginning of the service we sang two songs... 10000 reasons, and great is Thy faithfulness. And thus I figured I had better post note before I forget. As I'm sure I've mentioned at least once those two songs are the ones we sang at dads funeral back in January. Great Is Thy faithfulness is also a family hymn that we've sang at anniversaries, celebrations, weddings, and funerals for my entire life. This morning I didn't even sing along...  I just closed my eyes and remembered all the times I've sang that before.

I remember my oma full of life singing that song at her husbands side at a family reunion years ago. I remember singing that song to myself when she passed away as I knew they would sing it at her funeral.

I remember talking about that hymn when my older brother was married. When I gained a sister that day it was so joyful, I remember thinking then that my brother was a blessed man, an opinion that had only been amplified over time. But more than that God was faithful to them both, and continues to be.

I remember reading that hymn when I heard news of my nephews birth. Marty is already the tangible blessing of God to our whole family. I remember his joy even in the midst of our pain in January and I know that was faithfulness too.

I clearly remember singing that song in January surrounded by sorrow and on the very edge of despair. I remember being humbled by hearing that song belted out of the mouths of my uncles, aunts, and cousins and trying to keep on my feet because I was so humbled.

I remember singing that song the weekend before camp started, with only 7 of us. As we dedicated this summer to His glory we knew that we would fall over and over, but he is faithful. And he has been.

I don't know when or what the next milestone will be... But I do know that from now until then this truth remains. Great is his faithfulness.

2.43 The one with renewal and a great deal of excitement

Yesterday morning I got out of bed with a bit of weariness, but nothing resembling the level from the night before. Through the process of saddling and whatnot I was able to get rolling on the day and the morning trail rides (all two of them) went very smoothly.

Lunch was tasty and the afternoon involved doing something (that I don't remember) until we got started on the afternoon group game, another round of ice cream ultimate and then moved on to playing a water game (a fairly aggressive relay to bring water to a bucket using tiny cups) It was a blast and the same as lake day I played hard today... and was surprised by how energetic I was through it all, I had a blast being on the team of Cabin 3!

The evening continued on through evening games and I had the privilege of watching the game room for a few hours, we decided to use a few containers of jenga-ish blocks and create a ton of lil games. They were lots of fun and I'd like to think the kids had almost as much fun as we did.

The night ended out with campfire and I loved seeing how many of the campers shared their testimonies about how the week had gone, campfires on Thursday are awesome and are a great reminder of why we do what we do here.

This morning I had the pleasure (and it was a legitimate pleasure) of going out and feeding the horses by myself this morning. It was a great time to sit and listen to the steady awakening of all the animals and camp itself. I was blessed to be able to pray and think while the horses munched away at their grain bags.

2.42 The one where I realize that It's only a month away

The story that I began two days ago ended well, I went out shortly after breakfast and due to the fog lifting up to something resembling low-cloud height I was actually able to see the horses in their hidey-hole at the far corner of the pasture. Once they realized I was out there for them they dutifully trailed back to the corral. The day commenced with a few rides and whatnot. twas good, we had one girl ride that was scared of horses which is always a good thing to see them grow more comfortable over the course of a ride. 

Lake day was a great day today! I spent nearly the entire day in the water... and I had the wonderful opportunity to talk about camp stuff when I wasn't playing in the water. I love doing the planning and strategizing that makes camp happen almost (if not more than) as much as camp itself it's something that I miss a lot during this season, so it was great to have a taste again. 

Tonight I am exhausted... my plan is to share a few things with you, shower, and then hope a lot that I can get up without too much trouble and get our saddling done tomorrow morning before breakfast. I'm tired... but I'm going to ramble like I did on sunday, hopefully with similarly interesting results. 

hmm... what should I chat about tonight? I had a brief moment earlier tonight where I was reminded that even though I've done camp for a long time, and I often feel that I'm good at this work... I am not perfect and occasionally I run into myself and find that to be in conflict with who I should be. I am definitely a work in progress and today I was a bit reminded of that fact. (which isn't a bad thing at all) 

I also have mentioned before that i'm becoming more and more anxious about school coming up. I don't like new things that are completely outside of my safe coping places and familiar routines. Camp is a chaos that I know fairly well and I've learned places and ways to rest and vent the things that I need to. In 4 short weeks I'll be at a school that I've never visited with lots of people that I've never met (although a few I do know from camp) and likely living with a roomate that I don't know at all... For some reason that I cannot recall at the moment I decided that this would be a good plan, and very little of it sounds even a little exciting right now. That having been said I also know that this is what I need to do, but I'm afraid it's going to hurt. (I'm a wuss that way) 

I'm desperately pleading that God will take away my concerns about this... I crave the peace I had back in February about this decision.... but I cannot seem to find that calm place. Misty Edwards – You Won't Relent keeps coming up. I know I need to let this all go, but I can't seem to do that yet... 

although... Matt Redman – Never Once is as true now as it has ever been... I just feel so alone, We're starting to lose the first of our summer-long family this weekend and every week we find family for a short time only to be forced apart by the tyranny of the weekend. And soon enough even the full team will be gone... each back to wherever they are led next. 

What I consider my family (many of you I suspect) consists of my blood, my church, and camp... and all three of those will be so far so very soon. (two of them already are) 

As you have no doubt gathered, I am weary my friends. I crave your encouragement and your prayers. 

-Nick

2.41 The one where the horses are hiding in the mist

This morning I slept through my alarm. Or rather I turned it off in my sleep rather than hitting the snooze button as I should have. Thankfully it was only about 15 minutes late but it definitely caused me a bit of panic...

We scrambled a bit to get down to the corral and I zipped out in the pasture to find horses, and here is where the second snag happened. This morning we've been blessed with an incredibly heavy fog. (which at the moment doesn't seem to be lifting at all) The unfortunate side effect of this is visibility is reduced to next to nothing.... and that makes finding horses in a huge pasture pretty difficult. 

Breakfast is in a few minutes and then weather permitting I'll take another trip out to the pasture to see what I can find... It'll be an interesting one for sure. 

-Nick

2.41 The one where I'm insecure, critical, and surprisingly long-winded

This morning I once again had a thought that has been on my mind with some regularity this summer. I felt (and still do to a certain extent) that my writing this summer has been somehow less good this time around.
When I go back and read posts from last year I see quirky little side comments and random bunny trails (at least in the first few weeks) that make me want to know this guy who wrote that stuff. I don't necessarily feel that way about the things that I'm writing this year.

Now since I'm a chronic thinker (my mother would say overthinker) I came up with a few possible reasons for this while I was driving back to camp this morning. they are as follows.

It is possible my perspective is skewed because I get surprised by what I wrote last year. That is to say I don't remember anything close to the level of detail that I recorded last summer... So when I re-read I get to see it through the eyes of a reader and I don't remember vividly the process I went through to write those exact words. The ones from this year I still can.

It is possible that I'm tired in different ways this year. Instead of the physical weariness that I felt the first two summers out here (don't get me wrong I'm still tired) I am instead dealing with a emotional, spiritual, and mental fatigue as well. From the emotional blessing (and curse) of crying at the reactor scene in star trek, or the one near the end of Pacific Rim between the father and his son (or what the marshall says to the son) to the spiritual responsibility and empathy of being responsible to hurt with the team in a more active and involved way to the mental exhaustion of comparing all of the work we did during the off-season to how things actually are playing out and constantly trying to measure what is working and what isn't, what is something we could do better and what is something that happened in the moment. I'm tired in new and exciting ways, but I'm not so good at coping with those yet.

It is also possible that my writing quality has dropped. While obviously the most pessemistic and self-deprecating of the options I need to be at least willing to admit to the possibility that It has come about that way.

and last but not least... My readership is slightly different and much larger than last year. Last year I wrote this for me... and was shocked when anyone read it. I still have that response but I've also come to realize that for one reason or another there are some of you guys that read this thing as often as i'm willing to update. That idea never ceases to humble and amaze me (especially when I know I'm not doing very well)

So... Now that those are out there, and no doubt will be denied or disagreed with by some I also have decided to let you continue down this rabbit hole and explain what I hope to do about it. At least right now these are true...

I will try (and might succeed at) to be more honest and open regardless of where I end up, I will allow myself to wander far and wide in order to chase my own thoughts and emotions and record that rambling road so that I can evaluate effectively in the future (even if it means I think I got worse when I re-read next summer)

I will try (and might succeed at) getting back to what this was originally for... to let me cope and share my struggles and pain with you, whomever you are. I don't write so that you have the response that I want you to, I write so that you can respond however you want and so that I can be surprised by whatever comes of it. (although if you decide to love me more and say I'm awesome that never hurts)

last, I will try (and might succeed at) being less hard on myself. For years I've been a steaming pile of mess and I know that when I first arrived at this camp I was among the walking wounded in many ways, I KNOW that is less true today than it was then. Also I learned over the last months that It's ok to be broken, it's ok to cry, it's ok to approach the father in whatever state you are because He loves you no matter what. I never fully learned this lesson with my dad (although he did love me no matter what) and it's something I still am growing in... I suspect for a long time to come.
It's somewhat enjoyable to me to think that this post and it's content form a delightful synergy in content and function, because this was the exercise of the ideas I just finished outlining for you.

I'm sitting out here on the zipline platform and looking around, and I cannot deny the invitation I have to be here and pour myself into this and hold nothing back. Regardless of what comes next with school or anything else in life, This is where I'm supposed to be and I know that sometime down the road I'm going to look back and say that this was good. If this is the last thing I do, (which i'm hoping it's not) then It is well with my soul.

-Nick