2.41 The one where I'm insecure, critical, and surprisingly long-winded

This morning I once again had a thought that has been on my mind with some regularity this summer. I felt (and still do to a certain extent) that my writing this summer has been somehow less good this time around.
When I go back and read posts from last year I see quirky little side comments and random bunny trails (at least in the first few weeks) that make me want to know this guy who wrote that stuff. I don't necessarily feel that way about the things that I'm writing this year.

Now since I'm a chronic thinker (my mother would say overthinker) I came up with a few possible reasons for this while I was driving back to camp this morning. they are as follows.

It is possible my perspective is skewed because I get surprised by what I wrote last year. That is to say I don't remember anything close to the level of detail that I recorded last summer... So when I re-read I get to see it through the eyes of a reader and I don't remember vividly the process I went through to write those exact words. The ones from this year I still can.

It is possible that I'm tired in different ways this year. Instead of the physical weariness that I felt the first two summers out here (don't get me wrong I'm still tired) I am instead dealing with a emotional, spiritual, and mental fatigue as well. From the emotional blessing (and curse) of crying at the reactor scene in star trek, or the one near the end of Pacific Rim between the father and his son (or what the marshall says to the son) to the spiritual responsibility and empathy of being responsible to hurt with the team in a more active and involved way to the mental exhaustion of comparing all of the work we did during the off-season to how things actually are playing out and constantly trying to measure what is working and what isn't, what is something we could do better and what is something that happened in the moment. I'm tired in new and exciting ways, but I'm not so good at coping with those yet.

It is also possible that my writing quality has dropped. While obviously the most pessemistic and self-deprecating of the options I need to be at least willing to admit to the possibility that It has come about that way.

and last but not least... My readership is slightly different and much larger than last year. Last year I wrote this for me... and was shocked when anyone read it. I still have that response but I've also come to realize that for one reason or another there are some of you guys that read this thing as often as i'm willing to update. That idea never ceases to humble and amaze me (especially when I know I'm not doing very well)

So... Now that those are out there, and no doubt will be denied or disagreed with by some I also have decided to let you continue down this rabbit hole and explain what I hope to do about it. At least right now these are true...

I will try (and might succeed at) to be more honest and open regardless of where I end up, I will allow myself to wander far and wide in order to chase my own thoughts and emotions and record that rambling road so that I can evaluate effectively in the future (even if it means I think I got worse when I re-read next summer)

I will try (and might succeed at) getting back to what this was originally for... to let me cope and share my struggles and pain with you, whomever you are. I don't write so that you have the response that I want you to, I write so that you can respond however you want and so that I can be surprised by whatever comes of it. (although if you decide to love me more and say I'm awesome that never hurts)

last, I will try (and might succeed at) being less hard on myself. For years I've been a steaming pile of mess and I know that when I first arrived at this camp I was among the walking wounded in many ways, I KNOW that is less true today than it was then. Also I learned over the last months that It's ok to be broken, it's ok to cry, it's ok to approach the father in whatever state you are because He loves you no matter what. I never fully learned this lesson with my dad (although he did love me no matter what) and it's something I still am growing in... I suspect for a long time to come.
It's somewhat enjoyable to me to think that this post and it's content form a delightful synergy in content and function, because this was the exercise of the ideas I just finished outlining for you.

I'm sitting out here on the zipline platform and looking around, and I cannot deny the invitation I have to be here and pour myself into this and hold nothing back. Regardless of what comes next with school or anything else in life, This is where I'm supposed to be and I know that sometime down the road I'm going to look back and say that this was good. If this is the last thing I do, (which i'm hoping it's not) then It is well with my soul.

-Nick