Sitting in SLC airport and thinking about some major blessings.

About 17 hours ago I woke up to a horrific truth. My insides were quite determined to make themselves my outsides. This continued for many hours and to spare you the gory details I didn't sleep much at all. My gracious host n hostess (my big bro and his wonderful wife) discovered this horrific fact in the early morning. From then on they became even more gracious, supplying me with Gatorade, Tylenol, Pepto-Bismol, and so on and so forth. It's quite nice when you're all messed up to have sympathetic people around to make you feel less guilty about being miserable. 

In fact we were all concerned about my ability to travel today as scheduled... to the point that I was offered the ability to stay longer, and even nudged that direction (before I fully recovered just in time). I couldn't help but remember a similar situation a few years back when I was spending the weekend at some dear friends house in Casper, WY. Unfortunately their regularly scheduled weekend guest also became ill, for the better part of a week... this didn't faze them in the slightest and despite my cave-dweller recovery period I was well taken care of. And when I finally left I genuinely felt like they were sad to see me go. 

Having been through a similar situation twice now, I can't begin to express how blessed I am. Both in the friends and the family that I get to orbit. As I sit here waiting for my layover to end, watching episodes of Top Gear on my phone, I am content. (thanks to wendys and a rapid recovery my belly is full too) The road ahead just gets more and more filled with things, but at the same time I'm less frightened and more eager than I've been in a long time. 

-Nick

On Rest and Adventure, and the elusive concept of normal.

I haven't written in a month... and what a month it has been! (aren't they all?) As is typical the last month went by in what now seems like an eye-blink. But somewhere in that instant was packed weeks of projects and final exams, new responsibilities, successes, and failures. I know I should post more when I forget all of the things that I've done since the last post... but alas that's difficult to do and no one wants me to post another apology about that... so further up and further in!

Finals went well albeit hectically and it was with no small amount of melancholy that I bid farewell to a hall full of crazy, loud-at-the-oddest-hours, friendly, eccentric men. It was a good year and I learned a lot about myself and how I've changed since I was last in that environment. It was a great year and in many ways Omaha is as much a home as anywhere else because of those guys. I can't wait to get back and do it again in the fall.

The day after the semester closed down I zipped off to the (not) cool and breezy place known as Phoenix Arizona to spend some time with my Brother, Sister-in-law, and two nephews. I also had the opportunity to go to the Grand Canyon with one of the guys from school, and to hike a lava cave outside of Flagstaff on Monday. It was an incredible study in contrasts with the sheer scale and dusty majesty of the Grand Canyon set against the cold and smooth darkness of the lava tunnel. Well worth the sunburn.

This week of vacation has been anything but normal, but it has also been the most restful and recuperative time I've had in months. I've been outside of my normal by a fair bit, both in the big ticket adventures (see above) and in the ones that I hope I remember for a very long time (such as running around the house with my nephew). I've slept a great deal, been blessed by amazing food, and am honestly humbled by the experience of being welcomed into an already busy home and made to feel like I belong here.

I can look back and see a year of faithfulness. Where the call to Omaha has led me through some incredible things. When I set out from Rapid having never been to Grace, I remember saying that if all I had was a few months that I was supposed to spend it in Omaha, and looking I don't regret a minute of it. I feel the same certainty for next year and who knows how long any of us have? I know this is a place and a ministry field worth being involved in, and until I'm called away it's where I'll be.

My heart is full, and despite my head being borderline (or more) frantic with camp just around the corner and far too many things not going as anticipated with planning. I can rest on this fact, that whatever the next wild-and-crazy year holds (I have a few guesses but I don't really know) It'll be a crazy ride and that all the eccentric bunny trails I took to get to this point will only be helpful as I move forward.

-Nick
P.S. camp season is coming soon, and with it return the daily updates for the third year!

Proof that I'm not a morning person

Some days my only goal for the evening is to get to sleep in a timely manner, thus making the early morning looming on the horizon slightly less brutal. Inevitably I'm always up later than I should be on those nights and as tonight was a similar experience I have decided not to use such a predictable and repeated problem as an excuse not to write.

Yesterday I “survived” a compound deadline and got a surprising amount of homework done, so to celebrate I did next to no homework today. Makes sense in the crazy logic of my own head at least... tomorrow I'm off to practicum hours in the morning and the spring leadership retreat in the afternoon, another step toward taking on my eventual responsibilities as a Resident Director here at school. It should be a fairly low-impact kind of day but is also an exciting milestone. I'm sure I'll talk about this lots as the fall rolls around... suffice it to say that some small (or not-so-small) part of me is expecting that good fortune to just vanish into thin air.

If I'm OK with God taking it away (which I am) I should also be OK with the blessing that it looks to be. I've heard that the most difficult times to live out your faith are when things are hard, or when they're really good. After all the apostle Paul said that he learned the secret of being content both in plenty and in want... This conflicts with some old self-deprecating habits and a history of pessimism. While I'm improving and am miles ahead of where I used to be, this is still an internal struggle.

Hmm... what else to talk about tonight... I'm intentionally writing these posts on my laptop while it isn't connected to the internet so that I don't just inundate my posts with links and media clips, not a habit I think I'll do for long but in this small way it has proved productive. However I am still using Spotify to play some music in the background. I mean, why not take advantage of the trappings of “civilization” when they're helpful. Tonight the soundtrack is some old acapella albums by Glad. I haven't decided if I like them because they remind me of good times in high school, or if they are actually good stuff. I may never know...

And on that note I should probably attempt to get some sleep as 6 AM is far too soon. On the off chance that anyone actually reads this... I hope you sleep well as well.

It doesn't have to make sense... or dollars.

Recently it was brought to my attention that I haven't posted in quite some time, and that the particular timing/content of my last post was somewhat worrisome. Having re-read my last few posts I would agree, and to be honest I have actually missed this venue and process of thought. Not enough to actually remind me to write... because I often remain a slave to 'inspiration' instead of just writing and seeing what comes out of my brain and through my fingers. Lucky for you I've decided to scamper down that rabbit hole tonight and see what comes out regardless.

But which tunnel to follow?

Perhaps I should paint in broad strokes where I am right now. I could describe the incredible growth I've been through the last short months, how I've made more friends than I thought myself capable and how life far outshines what I could have ever imagined coming back to college would be like.

I could look forward to the future and talk about opportunities both terrifying and exciting depending on the moment I'm considering them.

I could talk about the fact that even though I miss the presence of those I've lost... that they feel closer than they have since those mournful days. That I can finally look at what I've been able to accomplish here and accept that they would be proud of me.

I could write about silliness and how my brain spits out the most bizarre and shockingly horrific things when I run a fever, or that I've got a legion of friends who still put up with me after they were forced to tolerate me without most of my higher brain functions...

Instead I think I'll just ramble a bit and see how it feels, and on the way discover that I should be writing all of these things but they're too much to take all at once. Instead I'll leave it at this because in some ways it feels like coming home... Yeah... this feels good. It doesn't make sense and it is borderline coherent but sometimes that's ok too.

A year.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my worst day.

One year ago I was forced to say goodbye to my Father in a hospital room in Rochester Minnesota.

I've tried to write this half a dozen times today... and failed miserably each time, until now.

Why? Because today was so very much easier than I expected. And so very much worse than I could have anticipated. To be perfectly honest I went to sleep last night somewhat dreading today, but when I awoke this morning I was so busy with getting to the right class on time that I honestly forgot to take note until I was sitting at lunch and a close friend pinned me down and asked how I was doing. And then asked again. And demanded a real answer. At that point it all began to come back. I left lunch and quickly headed back to my room... and curled up in bed in an almost identical fashion to a hotel room a year ago. An indeterminate amount of time later I fell asleep and when I awoke the numbness that was life for most of February had settled over me... and I haven't really been able to shake it, and I'm not sure I want to.

Now, I should also mention that today wasn't all miserable, in fact as I mentioned it was also easier than I expected. I've had several friends text, or ask, how I'm doing knowing and caring deeply that the answer was unlikely to be good and offering whatever support they can. I also get to lean on the wonderful picture of faithfulness we were blessed with this week; Even as we mourn the passing of a year, and the unfortunate truth that both John Sr. (my grandpa) and John Jr. (my dad) are no longer here... John David Oegema (my newly born second nephew, given a mighty namesake from both sides of his family) has joined us with impeccable timing.

I should also mention that even as I slipped out of the cafeteria with my rapidly decaying emotional state I checked my mailbox to find a letter from my dear Aunt and Uncle who were with us that day. Expressing the shared pain and an enduring hope: That Dad is gone, but that his (and my) redeemer lives and is at work even now through this.

The simple act of being given a plant as a reminder of life amongst the unavoidable pain of death. Not knowing quite what to send when her first choice was gone, my Mother told the florist to send "something that'd go well in a college guy's room" and having them deliver a vibrant bamboo plant. The same wood that was used to make a small box where Dad's ashes were placed. Coincidence? perhaps, but either way a blessing.

And the brotherly pride of reading the words of others (my sister) who are suffering through this in their own way, amidst the pain of searching for my own thoughts. And the blessing of finally finding some however inadequate this is.

I miss you dear ol' Dad... I wish you could have been there to see the coyotes game on new years, you would have had a blast. I wish you could have met your namesake. I wish I could have let you know how well I did this last semester, and the wonderful community I've found here in Omaha. And more than anything I wish I could give you a hug... and let you know that I love you. But I can't...

Right now I just have the pain, and the knowledge that for many tomorrows I'll be forced to walk this road without him. But thanks to the crazy, mind-boggling grace of God we'll be together again, and I can't wait to tell Dad everything I've learned while I waited for that time.

The end of a year

This year, I have decided to post a paper I recently wrote for class. I hope you enjoy it. I think the musings about my professional future and personal development dovetail nicely with a long-term goal sorta season. The comics included are Calvin and Hobbes and I don't own them at all. They are the work and copyright of Bill Watterson and are available on the internet at gocomics.com. I encourage you to purchase them if you don't already own a copy or at very least spending time to read them online. I doubt you'll regret it. Without Further ado, here it is. (the formatting is a bit odd in spots. Edit: the wonky formatting has been fixed!)

Dear Future Self,

I have taken the time to write this to you today as a means to get a good grade in class. I’m sure you remember the stress of grades right? No? Excellent, I was hoping I’d forget eventually. What’s that you say? I can’t possibly know what you’d say so I should stop pretending to have a conversation with myself and instead just write the letter and be done with it? Fine! But I’m leaving that odd sentence there just to spite you.

As you well know, open ended writing assignments are either wonderfully good for us, (yep, we’re a group now) or they’re really bad and tend to ramble on. If at some point you do re-read this, please try to remember that we were far worse at the whole writing thing at one point… and hopefully you’re looking at this as the idle typing of a silly amateur (because that means we did get better eventually). Despite my current writing skill (or lack thereof) I want to remind you of a few things that I’ve found true so far and that I hope you still hold dear.

My first bit of advice is the same that Karl shared with us back when we were at the studio. Stay Hungry. Don’t ever settle for being 100% satisfied with where you’re at. If you get too comfortable and put your feet up then you’ll just gain too much weight and eat too many donuts. And while donuts are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, getting lazy and not striving to be better is a death by inches. Eventually you’ll get so bad that you’ll just aggravate yourself and then the road back to a good place will be that much harder. Keep at it, and stay hungry for just a little bit more. Sure there will be the days that we set a new low for the spectrum of comparison, but don’t be content to just crumble into failure, stay hungry and remember that Dad’s best days continued right up until the end. Strive to do the same.

I’m now going to include a wonderful little comic: (don’t worry I’ll explain why)



Good ol’ Calvin and Hobbes. But he’s right. It is scandalous how little teachers get paid. Don’t let
economic issues keep you from doing something worth doing. Don’t ever go back to working for a
paycheck and living only through your downtime. You came back to pursue teaching for a reason and if that reason becomes invalid, MOVE ON! There are countless places that you could find yourself where you’re doing something worthwhile, don’t get stuck in a place where you don’t make a difference. Even if you somehow lucked out enough to find a wife and were brave enough to have kids, don’t let that drive you to mediocrity. IF they were crazy enough to be with you, it’s not because you’re boring it’s because you were bold and passionate and crazy enough to throw everything on the line to pursue something of value. Right now that looks like teaching, but you might have something else in your sights, go for it.

Be wrong. Don’t fear being incorrect or making mistakes. The best stories are born from failure,
and the victories we value most were pulled back from the brink of defeat. Don’t fear telling your
students that you messed up if you did. They’ll probably know it when it happens, and do you remember how we respected the teachers who did with us? Sure, control your classroom and be confident in what you know and what you have to offer your students. But to err is human. Also remember the rule for cooking? If you’re not making mistakes you’re not trying hard enough. Teaching is the same way, innovate and grow and make mistakes. It’s ok.

Be happy. I know times will be hard and the whole idea of a worst day automatically assumes that it’s only the worst day so far. I know we’re good at being hard on ourselves and that we’ve already got a pile of failures that are easily referenced. But don’t let the crud be who you are. Be silly, be alive, and be happy. Your students may not be able to define the difference if you are or not, but you know it matters. If something is so fundamentally tough that you can’t live and teach with joy, then deal with it. Don’t be content to just suffer through. Be happy, and don’t stifle your students when they are either.

And now another comic!



Remember who you were. Don’t get too bent out of shape if you get students who make the same mistakes we did. In fact take the opportunity to extend the same grace that helped shape us into who we are today to those who need it most. You won’t have any trouble with having high expectations or pushing for excellence so try to remember grace. You wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without tons of it.

Be passionate. Remember how dad taught us that if something was worth caring about it was worth being passionate about too? Be alive! Bring whatever you’re teaching to life for your students. They deserve to know that things matter and that being wide eyed and wild around the edges iswhere brilliance happens. I know you’re going into the subjects that kids love to hate, but they do really matter. And the ones that’ll love them deserve to know that it’s ok to go nuts. Even if that never happens, make your students ask why you care.

Don’t stop learning. Once we finally get that stupid piece of paper, and the other one that says we can teach, don’t settle for just knowing what is needed to teach the classes we end up with. We’re smarter than that keep reading, keep learning, and remember the great teachers who we wish we were, Dr. Holmes, Dr. Eckman, Dr. Cremean, Mr. Derrick, and many others. They were all brilliant, but they never stopped learning new things. You admired them because they taught you so much… but they also tried to learn from you. Your students are repositories of knowledge you could never possibly find on your own. Learn from them as you try to teach them.

Be flexible. You are a creature of habit and your natural environment is a well-worn routine. Don’t let that be your trademark in the classroom. Sure, build routines that work and set up structures that allow for growth, but you know as a student that no class is ever the same. So once you’re teaching don’t let that become your mindset either. You’re the captain of the ship, but you’re not going to get anywhere useful if you don’t respond and adapt to your students. Let them use their voice in your classroom, they’ll need it to succeed and you know you’ll love seeing them grow into who they ought to be.

Never stop caring. If you’re following my advice so far your students shouldn’t ever need to ask if you care. They should know with bedrock conviction that you care. Don’t let that be a lie. If you care about your job more than your students, you’re doing it wrong. If you stop caring entirely then you need to quit. You remember how it was at other jobs, when it was time to move on it became really tempting to stop caring, especially when it seemed so easy not to. I know we’ve got a HUGE list of times where caring has caused us pain… but it’s worth it. Even though we don’t have anything to show for it, we care. That’s who we are. I know I’ve probably changed a lot over time, but that can never change. Don’t let it happen.

Don’t go it alone. All of my advice is great (I would say that wouldn’t I?) but it’ll be near impossible to do it without accountability and encouragement. You know the times we’ve tried to do it on our own and how that’s turned out. Don’t struggle in the dark, don’t fight without allies. Don’t go it alone! If for some reason we end up in a place where human community is scarce, don’t neglect your relationship with the Lord. Never once has He left us on our own, so don’t try to pretend you can do anything good without Him.



Finally, I leave you with this. You are better and wiser than I am. Sure you might have more scars and more history behind you. But you’ve grown in ways I cannot possibly imagine right now. Whatever the road holds between here and there, it matters little in comparison to the fact that you’re still standing. You have succeeded in things I could only hope for, and failed at things that I haven’t dared to try. You are the me I’m supposed to be, and whatever that looks like, do me one favor. Keep your eyes open, it’s going to be a wild ride, and we’re not done just yet.

-You/Me/Nick

The King is Dead.

There will be storms… Wise words from a great man. A man who worked harder than I could possibly imagine, yet who would giggle and laugh with his grandkids at the most peculiar things, it was always hard to tell if we were laughing because of something he’d said or done, or something we had…

The same man who in the midst of mourning his wife, and two of his sons, was loving and taught me how a man mourns. That true dignity lies in genuine grief. That a man doesn’t cry, until he does. And when it comes time a man mourns openly and honestly. A steadfast titan that even in the shadow of unspeakable pain, I never let myself consider losing. And once again the world has changed. The king is dead.

My mother told me a story on her way through town a few short weeks ago. How grandpa was sitting with her listening to a radio sermon about the storms of this life.

“there WILL be storms.” He said to her.

“Will be? don’t you think you’re in the middle of a storm right now?” My mother replied, no doubt thinking of the many health issues he’d suffered recently and the incredible loss of his wife and two of his sons in past years.

“No... no.” He replied. “I’m smoothly sailing home.”

And tonight He did just that. And we are faced with once again saying farewell to a titan. You’d think the last few years would have prepared me for this… but nothing ever could. And that is the way it should be.

So, Farewell Grandpa. You were loved more than I could ever properly express. If it’s not too much trouble give Grandma a hug from me, and try not to get into too much trouble with your boys. Whatever you do don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine, you taught us well what it means to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.

Rest easy, We’ll see you again soon.