Today marks the one year anniversary of my worst day.
One year ago I was forced to say goodbye to my Father in a hospital room in Rochester Minnesota.
I've tried to write this half a dozen times today... and failed miserably each time, until now.
Why? Because today was so very much easier than I expected. And so very much worse than I could have anticipated. To be perfectly honest I went to sleep last night somewhat dreading today, but when I awoke this morning I was so busy with getting to the right class on time that I honestly forgot to take note until I was sitting at lunch and a close friend pinned me down and asked how I was doing. And then asked again. And demanded a real answer. At that point it all began to come back. I left lunch and quickly headed back to my room... and curled up in bed in an almost identical fashion to a hotel room a year ago. An indeterminate amount of time later I fell asleep and when I awoke the numbness that was life for most of February had settled over me... and I haven't really been able to shake it, and I'm not sure I want to.
Now, I should also mention that today wasn't all miserable, in fact as I mentioned it was also easier than I expected. I've had several friends text, or ask, how I'm doing knowing and caring deeply that the answer was unlikely to be good and offering whatever support they can. I also get to lean on the wonderful picture of faithfulness we were blessed with this week; Even as we mourn the passing of a year, and the unfortunate truth that both John Sr. (my grandpa) and John Jr. (my dad) are no longer here... John David Oegema (my newly born second nephew, given a mighty namesake from both sides of his family) has joined us with impeccable timing.
I should also mention that even as I slipped out of the cafeteria with my rapidly decaying emotional state I checked my mailbox to find a letter from my dear Aunt and Uncle who were with us that day. Expressing the shared pain and an enduring hope: That Dad is gone, but that his (and my) redeemer lives and is at work even now through this.
The simple act of being given a plant as a reminder of life amongst the unavoidable pain of death. Not knowing quite what to send when her first choice was gone, my Mother told the florist to send "something that'd go well in a college guy's room" and having them deliver a vibrant bamboo plant. The same wood that was used to make a small box where Dad's ashes were placed. Coincidence? perhaps, but either way a blessing.
And the brotherly pride of reading the words of others (my sister) who are suffering through this in their own way, amidst the pain of searching for my own thoughts. And the blessing of finally finding some however inadequate this is.
I miss you dear ol' Dad... I wish you could have been there to see the coyotes game on new years, you would have had a blast. I wish you could have met your namesake. I wish I could have let you know how well I did this last semester, and the wonderful community I've found here in Omaha. And more than anything I wish I could give you a hug... and let you know that I love you. But I can't...
Right now I just have the pain, and the knowledge that for many tomorrows I'll be forced to walk this road without him. But thanks to the crazy, mind-boggling grace of God we'll be together again, and I can't wait to tell Dad everything I've learned while I waited for that time.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
The end of a year
This year, I have decided to post a paper I recently wrote for class. I hope you enjoy it. I think the musings about my professional future and personal development dovetail nicely with a long-term goal sorta season. The comics included are Calvin and Hobbes and I don't own them at all. They are the work and copyright of Bill Watterson and are available on the internet at gocomics.com. I encourage you to purchase them if you don't already own a copy or at very least spending time to read them online. I doubt you'll regret it. Without Further ado, here it is. (the formatting is a bit odd in spots. Edit: the wonky formatting has been fixed!)
Dear Future Self,
I have taken the time to write this to you today as a means to get a good grade in class. I’m sure you remember the stress of grades right? No? Excellent, I was hoping I’d forget eventually. What’s that you say? I can’t possibly know what you’d say so I should stop pretending to have a conversation with myself and instead just write the letter and be done with it? Fine! But I’m leaving that odd sentence there just to spite you.
As you well know, open ended writing assignments are either wonderfully good for us, (yep, we’re a group now) or they’re really bad and tend to ramble on. If at some point you do re-read this, please try to remember that we were far worse at the whole writing thing at one point… and hopefully you’re looking at this as the idle typing of a silly amateur (because that means we did get better eventually). Despite my current writing skill (or lack thereof) I want to remind you of a few things that I’ve found true so far and that I hope you still hold dear.
My first bit of advice is the same that Karl shared with us back when we were at the studio. Stay Hungry. Don’t ever settle for being 100% satisfied with where you’re at. If you get too comfortable and put your feet up then you’ll just gain too much weight and eat too many donuts. And while donuts are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, getting lazy and not striving to be better is a death by inches. Eventually you’ll get so bad that you’ll just aggravate yourself and then the road back to a good place will be that much harder. Keep at it, and stay hungry for just a little bit more. Sure there will be the days that we set a new low for the spectrum of comparison, but don’t be content to just crumble into failure, stay hungry and remember that Dad’s best days continued right up until the end. Strive to do the same.
I’m now going to include a wonderful little comic: (don’t worry I’ll explain why)
Good ol’ Calvin and Hobbes. But he’s right. It is scandalous how little teachers get paid. Don’t let
economic issues keep you from doing something worth doing. Don’t ever go back to working for a
paycheck and living only through your downtime. You came back to pursue teaching for a reason and if that reason becomes invalid, MOVE ON! There are countless places that you could find yourself where you’re doing something worthwhile, don’t get stuck in a place where you don’t make a difference. Even if you somehow lucked out enough to find a wife and were brave enough to have kids, don’t let that drive you to mediocrity. IF they were crazy enough to be with you, it’s not because you’re boring it’s because you were bold and passionate and crazy enough to throw everything on the line to pursue something of value. Right now that looks like teaching, but you might have something else in your sights, go for it.
Be wrong. Don’t fear being incorrect or making mistakes. The best stories are born from failure,
and the victories we value most were pulled back from the brink of defeat. Don’t fear telling your
students that you messed up if you did. They’ll probably know it when it happens, and do you remember how we respected the teachers who did with us? Sure, control your classroom and be confident in what you know and what you have to offer your students. But to err is human. Also remember the rule for cooking? If you’re not making mistakes you’re not trying hard enough. Teaching is the same way, innovate and grow and make mistakes. It’s ok.
Be happy. I know times will be hard and the whole idea of a worst day automatically assumes that it’s only the worst day so far. I know we’re good at being hard on ourselves and that we’ve already got a pile of failures that are easily referenced. But don’t let the crud be who you are. Be silly, be alive, and be happy. Your students may not be able to define the difference if you are or not, but you know it matters. If something is so fundamentally tough that you can’t live and teach with joy, then deal with it. Don’t be content to just suffer through. Be happy, and don’t stifle your students when they are either.
And now another comic!
Remember who you were. Don’t get too bent out of shape if you get students who make the same mistakes we did. In fact take the opportunity to extend the same grace that helped shape us into who we are today to those who need it most. You won’t have any trouble with having high expectations or pushing for excellence so try to remember grace. You wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without tons of it.
Be passionate. Remember how dad taught us that if something was worth caring about it was worth being passionate about too? Be alive! Bring whatever you’re teaching to life for your students. They deserve to know that things matter and that being wide eyed and wild around the edges iswhere brilliance happens. I know you’re going into the subjects that kids love to hate, but they do really matter. And the ones that’ll love them deserve to know that it’s ok to go nuts. Even if that never happens, make your students ask why you care.
Don’t stop learning. Once we finally get that stupid piece of paper, and the other one that says we can teach, don’t settle for just knowing what is needed to teach the classes we end up with. We’re smarter than that keep reading, keep learning, and remember the great teachers who we wish we were, Dr. Holmes, Dr. Eckman, Dr. Cremean, Mr. Derrick, and many others. They were all brilliant, but they never stopped learning new things. You admired them because they taught you so much… but they also tried to learn from you. Your students are repositories of knowledge you could never possibly find on your own. Learn from them as you try to teach them.
Be flexible. You are a creature of habit and your natural environment is a well-worn routine. Don’t let that be your trademark in the classroom. Sure, build routines that work and set up structures that allow for growth, but you know as a student that no class is ever the same. So once you’re teaching don’t let that become your mindset either. You’re the captain of the ship, but you’re not going to get anywhere useful if you don’t respond and adapt to your students. Let them use their voice in your classroom, they’ll need it to succeed and you know you’ll love seeing them grow into who they ought to be.
Never stop caring. If you’re following my advice so far your students shouldn’t ever need to ask if you care. They should know with bedrock conviction that you care. Don’t let that be a lie. If you care about your job more than your students, you’re doing it wrong. If you stop caring entirely then you need to quit. You remember how it was at other jobs, when it was time to move on it became really tempting to stop caring, especially when it seemed so easy not to. I know we’ve got a HUGE list of times where caring has caused us pain… but it’s worth it. Even though we don’t have anything to show for it, we care. That’s who we are. I know I’ve probably changed a lot over time, but that can never change. Don’t let it happen.
Don’t go it alone. All of my advice is great (I would say that wouldn’t I?) but it’ll be near impossible to do it without accountability and encouragement. You know the times we’ve tried to do it on our own and how that’s turned out. Don’t struggle in the dark, don’t fight without allies. Don’t go it alone! If for some reason we end up in a place where human community is scarce, don’t neglect your relationship with the Lord. Never once has He left us on our own, so don’t try to pretend you can do anything good without Him.
Finally, I leave you with this. You are better and wiser than I am. Sure you might have more scars and more history behind you. But you’ve grown in ways I cannot possibly imagine right now. Whatever the road holds between here and there, it matters little in comparison to the fact that you’re still standing. You have succeeded in things I could only hope for, and failed at things that I haven’t dared to try. You are the me I’m supposed to be, and whatever that looks like, do me one favor. Keep your eyes open, it’s going to be a wild ride, and we’re not done just yet.
-You/Me/Nick
Dear Future Self,
I have taken the time to write this to you today as a means to get a good grade in class. I’m sure you remember the stress of grades right? No? Excellent, I was hoping I’d forget eventually. What’s that you say? I can’t possibly know what you’d say so I should stop pretending to have a conversation with myself and instead just write the letter and be done with it? Fine! But I’m leaving that odd sentence there just to spite you.
As you well know, open ended writing assignments are either wonderfully good for us, (yep, we’re a group now) or they’re really bad and tend to ramble on. If at some point you do re-read this, please try to remember that we were far worse at the whole writing thing at one point… and hopefully you’re looking at this as the idle typing of a silly amateur (because that means we did get better eventually). Despite my current writing skill (or lack thereof) I want to remind you of a few things that I’ve found true so far and that I hope you still hold dear.
My first bit of advice is the same that Karl shared with us back when we were at the studio. Stay Hungry. Don’t ever settle for being 100% satisfied with where you’re at. If you get too comfortable and put your feet up then you’ll just gain too much weight and eat too many donuts. And while donuts are proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, getting lazy and not striving to be better is a death by inches. Eventually you’ll get so bad that you’ll just aggravate yourself and then the road back to a good place will be that much harder. Keep at it, and stay hungry for just a little bit more. Sure there will be the days that we set a new low for the spectrum of comparison, but don’t be content to just crumble into failure, stay hungry and remember that Dad’s best days continued right up until the end. Strive to do the same.
I’m now going to include a wonderful little comic: (don’t worry I’ll explain why)
Good ol’ Calvin and Hobbes. But he’s right. It is scandalous how little teachers get paid. Don’t let
economic issues keep you from doing something worth doing. Don’t ever go back to working for a
paycheck and living only through your downtime. You came back to pursue teaching for a reason and if that reason becomes invalid, MOVE ON! There are countless places that you could find yourself where you’re doing something worthwhile, don’t get stuck in a place where you don’t make a difference. Even if you somehow lucked out enough to find a wife and were brave enough to have kids, don’t let that drive you to mediocrity. IF they were crazy enough to be with you, it’s not because you’re boring it’s because you were bold and passionate and crazy enough to throw everything on the line to pursue something of value. Right now that looks like teaching, but you might have something else in your sights, go for it.
Be wrong. Don’t fear being incorrect or making mistakes. The best stories are born from failure,
and the victories we value most were pulled back from the brink of defeat. Don’t fear telling your
students that you messed up if you did. They’ll probably know it when it happens, and do you remember how we respected the teachers who did with us? Sure, control your classroom and be confident in what you know and what you have to offer your students. But to err is human. Also remember the rule for cooking? If you’re not making mistakes you’re not trying hard enough. Teaching is the same way, innovate and grow and make mistakes. It’s ok.
Be happy. I know times will be hard and the whole idea of a worst day automatically assumes that it’s only the worst day so far. I know we’re good at being hard on ourselves and that we’ve already got a pile of failures that are easily referenced. But don’t let the crud be who you are. Be silly, be alive, and be happy. Your students may not be able to define the difference if you are or not, but you know it matters. If something is so fundamentally tough that you can’t live and teach with joy, then deal with it. Don’t be content to just suffer through. Be happy, and don’t stifle your students when they are either.
And now another comic!
Remember who you were. Don’t get too bent out of shape if you get students who make the same mistakes we did. In fact take the opportunity to extend the same grace that helped shape us into who we are today to those who need it most. You won’t have any trouble with having high expectations or pushing for excellence so try to remember grace. You wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without tons of it.
Be passionate. Remember how dad taught us that if something was worth caring about it was worth being passionate about too? Be alive! Bring whatever you’re teaching to life for your students. They deserve to know that things matter and that being wide eyed and wild around the edges iswhere brilliance happens. I know you’re going into the subjects that kids love to hate, but they do really matter. And the ones that’ll love them deserve to know that it’s ok to go nuts. Even if that never happens, make your students ask why you care.
Don’t stop learning. Once we finally get that stupid piece of paper, and the other one that says we can teach, don’t settle for just knowing what is needed to teach the classes we end up with. We’re smarter than that keep reading, keep learning, and remember the great teachers who we wish we were, Dr. Holmes, Dr. Eckman, Dr. Cremean, Mr. Derrick, and many others. They were all brilliant, but they never stopped learning new things. You admired them because they taught you so much… but they also tried to learn from you. Your students are repositories of knowledge you could never possibly find on your own. Learn from them as you try to teach them.
Be flexible. You are a creature of habit and your natural environment is a well-worn routine. Don’t let that be your trademark in the classroom. Sure, build routines that work and set up structures that allow for growth, but you know as a student that no class is ever the same. So once you’re teaching don’t let that become your mindset either. You’re the captain of the ship, but you’re not going to get anywhere useful if you don’t respond and adapt to your students. Let them use their voice in your classroom, they’ll need it to succeed and you know you’ll love seeing them grow into who they ought to be.
Never stop caring. If you’re following my advice so far your students shouldn’t ever need to ask if you care. They should know with bedrock conviction that you care. Don’t let that be a lie. If you care about your job more than your students, you’re doing it wrong. If you stop caring entirely then you need to quit. You remember how it was at other jobs, when it was time to move on it became really tempting to stop caring, especially when it seemed so easy not to. I know we’ve got a HUGE list of times where caring has caused us pain… but it’s worth it. Even though we don’t have anything to show for it, we care. That’s who we are. I know I’ve probably changed a lot over time, but that can never change. Don’t let it happen.
Don’t go it alone. All of my advice is great (I would say that wouldn’t I?) but it’ll be near impossible to do it without accountability and encouragement. You know the times we’ve tried to do it on our own and how that’s turned out. Don’t struggle in the dark, don’t fight without allies. Don’t go it alone! If for some reason we end up in a place where human community is scarce, don’t neglect your relationship with the Lord. Never once has He left us on our own, so don’t try to pretend you can do anything good without Him.
Finally, I leave you with this. You are better and wiser than I am. Sure you might have more scars and more history behind you. But you’ve grown in ways I cannot possibly imagine right now. Whatever the road holds between here and there, it matters little in comparison to the fact that you’re still standing. You have succeeded in things I could only hope for, and failed at things that I haven’t dared to try. You are the me I’m supposed to be, and whatever that looks like, do me one favor. Keep your eyes open, it’s going to be a wild ride, and we’re not done just yet.
-You/Me/Nick
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
The King is Dead.
There will be storms… Wise words from a great man. A man who worked harder than I could possibly imagine, yet who would giggle and laugh with his grandkids at the most peculiar things, it was always hard to tell if we were laughing because of something he’d said or done, or something we had…
The same man who in the midst of mourning his wife, and two of his sons, was loving and taught me how a man mourns. That true dignity lies in genuine grief. That a man doesn’t cry, until he does. And when it comes time a man mourns openly and honestly. A steadfast titan that even in the shadow of unspeakable pain, I never let myself consider losing. And once again the world has changed. The king is dead.
My mother told me a story on her way through town a few short weeks ago. How grandpa was sitting with her listening to a radio sermon about the storms of this life.
“there WILL be storms.” He said to her.
“Will be? don’t you think you’re in the middle of a storm right now?” My mother replied, no doubt thinking of the many health issues he’d suffered recently and the incredible loss of his wife and two of his sons in past years.
“No... no.” He replied. “I’m smoothly sailing home.”
And tonight He did just that. And we are faced with once again saying farewell to a titan. You’d think the last few years would have prepared me for this… but nothing ever could. And that is the way it should be.
So, Farewell Grandpa. You were loved more than I could ever properly express. If it’s not too much trouble give Grandma a hug from me, and try not to get into too much trouble with your boys. Whatever you do don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine, you taught us well what it means to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.
Rest easy, We’ll see you again soon.
The same man who in the midst of mourning his wife, and two of his sons, was loving and taught me how a man mourns. That true dignity lies in genuine grief. That a man doesn’t cry, until he does. And when it comes time a man mourns openly and honestly. A steadfast titan that even in the shadow of unspeakable pain, I never let myself consider losing. And once again the world has changed. The king is dead.
My mother told me a story on her way through town a few short weeks ago. How grandpa was sitting with her listening to a radio sermon about the storms of this life.
“there WILL be storms.” He said to her.
“Will be? don’t you think you’re in the middle of a storm right now?” My mother replied, no doubt thinking of the many health issues he’d suffered recently and the incredible loss of his wife and two of his sons in past years.
“No... no.” He replied. “I’m smoothly sailing home.”
And tonight He did just that. And we are faced with once again saying farewell to a titan. You’d think the last few years would have prepared me for this… but nothing ever could. And that is the way it should be.
So, Farewell Grandpa. You were loved more than I could ever properly express. If it’s not too much trouble give Grandma a hug from me, and try not to get into too much trouble with your boys. Whatever you do don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine, you taught us well what it means to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.
Rest easy, We’ll see you again soon.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Who says I'm hard to buy for?!
My friends and family know me well... My birthday recently flew past and my near and dear types have always complained that I'm almost as hard to buy for as my father was. However I don't feel like this is true... and this year I definitely think that they have proven themselves wrong.
Take for instance this delight that was handed to me by a cafeteria worker midway through my day. Courtesy of my mother:
What is in this mysterious bag? currently... air. But when it was given to me it was full nigh unto overflowing with delicious chocolate chip cookies, all of which have been consumed... I know better than to let baked goods go stale ;)
Or this delight that arrived this very morning, courtesy of my wonderfully eccentric little brother (and the gift that started this train of thought)
Take for instance this delight that was handed to me by a cafeteria worker midway through my day. Courtesy of my mother:
What is in this mysterious bag? currently... air. But when it was given to me it was full nigh unto overflowing with delicious chocolate chip cookies, all of which have been consumed... I know better than to let baked goods go stale ;)
Or this delight that arrived this very morning, courtesy of my wonderfully eccentric little brother (and the gift that started this train of thought)
And through the power of science it transforms intoooooo
A propane lantern! (ignore the other mess)
Yep, It's weird. But I've been putting together a set of camping gear over the last few years and this is one of those things that is high-quality and durable enough for me to use for the rest of my life. I almost want to get a propane can and test it out right away... but Buck (my RA) might not approve of me having fires in my room. Even a well controlled fire like this lantern.
And last but certainly not least another friend here locally got me this:
A piece of paper with which I can acquire donuts from a wonderful bakery a few blocks away.
Combine these with the fact that many people were upset that they didn't know it was my birthday and wanted to wish me all the best... and a host of emails, texts, facebook posts, and letters...
I honestly have to say that the trend of difficult and painful things happening on my birthday is solidly broken. Which despite the annoyance of my pessimism being proven wrong, it's nice to know I am richly blessed.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
The one that should have had a birthday.
Sometimes when I start writing I just get to the end and hate what I've written, delete it all and go to bed (which has happened a lot since I got here), sometimes when I re-read old posts I wish that I had done that more often.
Sometimes I feel like I've discovered some kernel of brilliance inside myself and managed to squeeze that onto the 'page'. And sometimes I read things that make me seem like a 5 year old kid with crayons...
Today is a little bit of all of those things I think... so before I go any further I want to share something I shamelessly lifted from my sisters facebook page (with permission)
I miss being able to pick up my phone and hear his voice on the other end. I miss his advice and his constant ability to speak life and encouragement that made me feel safe and loved. I miss the way he believed in me. And the way he loved my mom and sacrificed for our family. I miss the way He pursued the Lord and how inspiring his walk with God was. I miss his animated laugh and the way I could picture his goofy smile just by the inflection of his voice. I miss his tall and strong dad hugs. I miss watching and talking fall sports with him and having him cheering me on at all my races and games. I miss that he would (try to) explain car and budget and insurance stuff to me.
And I miss teasing him about being my old man, because now I realize that today would have only been 55 and that's not old at all.
Here's to the life you lived, Dad. You lived one heck of a good one, and I'm so crazy lucky to be part of your legacy.
-Alida Oegema
Sometimes... I don't have words, and it just hurts. But I know this... that the same God that was faithful through chronic fatigue, raising 4 kids, marriage, cancer, and everything in between, Is the same God who was there in that strangely shaped corner room when we stood and learned that there is a way to die well, and that it has everything to do with how you lived.
Well done Dad, we'll see you soon.
-Nick
Sometimes I feel like I've discovered some kernel of brilliance inside myself and managed to squeeze that onto the 'page'. And sometimes I read things that make me seem like a 5 year old kid with crayons...
Today is a little bit of all of those things I think... so before I go any further I want to share something I shamelessly lifted from my sisters facebook page (with permission)
I miss being able to pick up my phone and hear his voice on the other end. I miss his advice and his constant ability to speak life and encouragement that made me feel safe and loved. I miss the way he believed in me. And the way he loved my mom and sacrificed for our family. I miss the way He pursued the Lord and how inspiring his walk with God was. I miss his animated laugh and the way I could picture his goofy smile just by the inflection of his voice. I miss his tall and strong dad hugs. I miss watching and talking fall sports with him and having him cheering me on at all my races and games. I miss that he would (try to) explain car and budget and insurance stuff to me.
And I miss teasing him about being my old man, because now I realize that today would have only been 55 and that's not old at all.
Here's to the life you lived, Dad. You lived one heck of a good one, and I'm so crazy lucky to be part of your legacy.
-Alida Oegema
Sometimes... I don't have words, and it just hurts. But I know this... that the same God that was faithful through chronic fatigue, raising 4 kids, marriage, cancer, and everything in between, Is the same God who was there in that strangely shaped corner room when we stood and learned that there is a way to die well, and that it has everything to do with how you lived.
Well done Dad, we'll see you soon.
-Nick
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Enough whining.. here's a good thing.
Ten days? wow... I'm really off my game.
Let's see... since I last wrote some things have happened and whatnot. but enough of that catching up and informing of things, this is after all a break from hermaneutics homework and thus should be celebrated by a nice solid ramble!
Hmm... I think I'll start with a few things that God has worked for my benefit since I've been here. First and foremost I couldn't imagine how easy and solidly I've connected at the church I'm at. I went to it because a friend invited me and because I promised several camp types that I would... When I agreed to both of those conditions I figured that I would just use it as the first in my line of church hopping before I settled on something strange, or decided to incorporate bedside baptist into my rotation and really focus on what Pastor pillow had to teach me.
Fortunately someone had better plans than I did. (read: hallelujah!) and that first visit stuck like a slug thrown against a brick wall. Not just because they feed us breakfast (which is a powerful motivator for us college types) but because of the power and passion of the teaching we get every week. Especially the last three sermons I've heard.
The first (available online here just go to sermons and then using money to build eternal relationships) was a tough one about using money as a tool. Combining that with a bit I've been reading in my wellness textbook about how certain disorders are partially classified by time spent thinking about them. I was really convicted about how I handle my money...
a) that I spend waaay too much time thinking about my lack of it and my debt.
b) that I don't use what I do have wisely to build relationships
c) that I'm not investing what I do have (non monetary things) very well either
So I resolved to pray about it and continue to struggle through making that better... and then a short two days later our pastor (also a professor here at Grace) spoke in chapel. He spoke about how when we worry and agonize over our anxieties that our God is too small. That if we TRULY believe that God is in control that we can present our prayers and supplications and then go to sleep peacefully because He's got it. And if we're concerned about people we can trust that He loves them FAR MORE than we do. It stuck with me and now I get to be anxious about how anxious I am... ;)
and then this last sunday we began a series in the book of Romans. I cannot tell you how nervous I am about this because I've been subjected (and blessed too) by sermon series that go through Romans. By the time it's done I hate the book... and just want something, anything different. But at the same time I'm looking forward to what I've got to learn this go around, an attitude I've never really had.
so that's what I got. For the sake of making me write again soon I'll end here and leave you with a quote that I think is appropriate.
"assume I can do things that make sense." -Dr. Eckman
-Nick
Let's see... since I last wrote some things have happened and whatnot. but enough of that catching up and informing of things, this is after all a break from hermaneutics homework and thus should be celebrated by a nice solid ramble!
Hmm... I think I'll start with a few things that God has worked for my benefit since I've been here. First and foremost I couldn't imagine how easy and solidly I've connected at the church I'm at. I went to it because a friend invited me and because I promised several camp types that I would... When I agreed to both of those conditions I figured that I would just use it as the first in my line of church hopping before I settled on something strange, or decided to incorporate bedside baptist into my rotation and really focus on what Pastor pillow had to teach me.
Fortunately someone had better plans than I did. (read: hallelujah!) and that first visit stuck like a slug thrown against a brick wall. Not just because they feed us breakfast (which is a powerful motivator for us college types) but because of the power and passion of the teaching we get every week. Especially the last three sermons I've heard.
The first (available online here just go to sermons and then using money to build eternal relationships) was a tough one about using money as a tool. Combining that with a bit I've been reading in my wellness textbook about how certain disorders are partially classified by time spent thinking about them. I was really convicted about how I handle my money...
a) that I spend waaay too much time thinking about my lack of it and my debt.
b) that I don't use what I do have wisely to build relationships
c) that I'm not investing what I do have (non monetary things) very well either
So I resolved to pray about it and continue to struggle through making that better... and then a short two days later our pastor (also a professor here at Grace) spoke in chapel. He spoke about how when we worry and agonize over our anxieties that our God is too small. That if we TRULY believe that God is in control that we can present our prayers and supplications and then go to sleep peacefully because He's got it. And if we're concerned about people we can trust that He loves them FAR MORE than we do. It stuck with me and now I get to be anxious about how anxious I am... ;)
and then this last sunday we began a series in the book of Romans. I cannot tell you how nervous I am about this because I've been subjected (and blessed too) by sermon series that go through Romans. By the time it's done I hate the book... and just want something, anything different. But at the same time I'm looking forward to what I've got to learn this go around, an attitude I've never really had.
so that's what I got. For the sake of making me write again soon I'll end here and leave you with a quote that I think is appropriate.
"assume I can do things that make sense." -Dr. Eckman
-Nick
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Not the post I envisioned when the week began
I started writing this update several times, but time and time again I found myself defeated by the maze in my own mind. I'd get lost in frustration or anger, or distracted by opportunity and joy. I often had other things clamor for my attention, some necessary and good like homework and time spent with dear friends, and some less so, like flash games and news feeds.
I wrestled with my mind and spirit time and time again and learned much, but understood little. And yes... this all happened this week. I'd like to share a few of the things that I learned this week... It is entirely possible that at some point you'll think less of me, but I also hope that you'll know me better.
I started off the week a bit behind... due to a bit of craziness and whatnot over the weekend I was not as on top of my homework as I would have liked, so the week became a dance between meeting deadlines (I made all but one of em) and maintaining my 'normal' life. Normal being eating food and sleeping enough n whatnot. I also had a few curveballs thrown my way in regards to the AC unit I've got sitting on my floor (and not making cold air in the window like it should be) and suchlike. I felt pulled in too many directions and as the temperature at night continued to climb I had lots of sleepless time to fume and grumble. Time better spent in prayer and battling my own flaws... but that took me a few nights to arrive at (I'm kinda dumb sometimes).
I felt the stirrings of unease about this becoming home. I knew a few people here... many of those that I do are great friends, but they've got one foot out the door or they're quite busy with their own stuff. I've had a hard time building my own space, and thus I have slowly felt the slow spiral toward me just snapping, or the darkness of a full shutdown looming. So tonight I took some time off... refused a host of things that I was struggling to decide between anyway and just decided that today was mine. Mine to walk the twisted corridors of my brain and spend some much needed time in contemplation and prayer. The only downside is that I haven't prioritized this kind of time since I moved here... and I think I might have initially offended some people with how I did so, especially since when I let myself get too worn down I'm less diplomatic about it. Combine that with the fact that a dear friend is back in town for the day (which I didn't know ahead of time) and it looks like I'm just being a bit of a jerk. Which I can't help but think is a bit true, but is still necessary.
In other news I'd like to share a few things that are worth recommending:
This is a post my little sister posted a few days ago. It hit me fairly solidly as I was melting in my little closet of a room. Home is an ethereal thing and I'm still rebuilding one to rest in.
This is another post I read a short time ago and perhaps reminded me of one of the reasons this place is tough for me. As any long-term readers know I lost my father last January, and now moving this far away from home I've also severed what little regular contact I had with my mum. I haven't really needed my parents for years thanks to their incredible efforts and training in that direction... this article highlights something that I miss. And articulates one of the many voids my father left in his wake.
So here I sit... Tomorrow morning a new week begins with the breaking of bread and worship together... I don't have a lot of clarity nor have I resolved the turmoil of my thoughts. But I know that He who brought me here is able, and despite my myriad of failures in all other things His call remains the same to Love Him with everything.
In my mind it's a bit like this...
When I think of everything else I should be doing better I get a little overwhelmed... but know Him better? that I can aspire to.
-Nick
I wrestled with my mind and spirit time and time again and learned much, but understood little. And yes... this all happened this week. I'd like to share a few of the things that I learned this week... It is entirely possible that at some point you'll think less of me, but I also hope that you'll know me better.
I started off the week a bit behind... due to a bit of craziness and whatnot over the weekend I was not as on top of my homework as I would have liked, so the week became a dance between meeting deadlines (I made all but one of em) and maintaining my 'normal' life. Normal being eating food and sleeping enough n whatnot. I also had a few curveballs thrown my way in regards to the AC unit I've got sitting on my floor (and not making cold air in the window like it should be) and suchlike. I felt pulled in too many directions and as the temperature at night continued to climb I had lots of sleepless time to fume and grumble. Time better spent in prayer and battling my own flaws... but that took me a few nights to arrive at (I'm kinda dumb sometimes).
I felt the stirrings of unease about this becoming home. I knew a few people here... many of those that I do are great friends, but they've got one foot out the door or they're quite busy with their own stuff. I've had a hard time building my own space, and thus I have slowly felt the slow spiral toward me just snapping, or the darkness of a full shutdown looming. So tonight I took some time off... refused a host of things that I was struggling to decide between anyway and just decided that today was mine. Mine to walk the twisted corridors of my brain and spend some much needed time in contemplation and prayer. The only downside is that I haven't prioritized this kind of time since I moved here... and I think I might have initially offended some people with how I did so, especially since when I let myself get too worn down I'm less diplomatic about it. Combine that with the fact that a dear friend is back in town for the day (which I didn't know ahead of time) and it looks like I'm just being a bit of a jerk. Which I can't help but think is a bit true, but is still necessary.
In other news I'd like to share a few things that are worth recommending:
This is a post my little sister posted a few days ago. It hit me fairly solidly as I was melting in my little closet of a room. Home is an ethereal thing and I'm still rebuilding one to rest in.
This is another post I read a short time ago and perhaps reminded me of one of the reasons this place is tough for me. As any long-term readers know I lost my father last January, and now moving this far away from home I've also severed what little regular contact I had with my mum. I haven't really needed my parents for years thanks to their incredible efforts and training in that direction... this article highlights something that I miss. And articulates one of the many voids my father left in his wake.
So here I sit... Tomorrow morning a new week begins with the breaking of bread and worship together... I don't have a lot of clarity nor have I resolved the turmoil of my thoughts. But I know that He who brought me here is able, and despite my myriad of failures in all other things His call remains the same to Love Him with everything.
In my mind it's a bit like this...
When I think of everything else I should be doing better I get a little overwhelmed... but know Him better? that I can aspire to.
-Nick
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)