Just keep swimming...

Here I sit at the end of the first week of school. I'm pretty worn out but it has been a good week. I've done fairly well at sticking to the crazy (at least for me) things I planned on doing. Things that come naturally to some like leaving their door propped open when they're in the dorm, or like participating in campus activities as much as possible. It's not that I'm chasing some misconception of a "college experience" but the last thing I want to do is isolate myself from the community around me. That is after all what I'm here for eh?

I did think a bit about it right before I decided not to skip an activity earlier this evening. I was reminded of the idea to "be where you are". Instead of looking too far ahead to camp, or midterms, or trying to line things up for after graduation (whenever that is) I should instead just be happy with where I'm at and try to engage where I'm at.

I don't really know the pace of life here yet. Nor do I feel like I'm excelling at anything yet. I'm barely keeping up with the homework load (hopefully aided by my books arriving on monday) and the problem with a small school is that all the returning students know everyone already, they're friendly but they've got a lot of history and that takes time to break through.

Also I fully realize that it's possible that other students here will read this. I'm trying not to be too self-conscious about it... because I still think it's worth it. And besides, true community takes a bit of vulnerability right?

-N
p.s. the photo is of a spot in downtown Omaha, I did not take it but I was there a few hours ago.

What's all this then?

I was impressed with the message at chapel tonight. So much so that it pushed me over the edge on something I've been considering for (checks the date on my last post) 7 days.

Tonight we heard a message about being afraid of success and how stupid that Idea really is. The Pastor used the example of Gideon and how even after God had proven his power and authority Gideon continued to ask for strange things to help overcome his concerns... As he was speaking I couldn't help but think that fit me eerily well.

Allow me to explain (or ramble). I recently (this morning) started attending Grace University after a few years away from academia. I dropped out of school at BHSU a few years ago, somewhat by choice and somewhat to avoid being removed from attendance due to rapidly declining grades. I struggled personally and spiritually for several years after that... and spent a long time recovering from that major failure in my life.

Back in December I felt convicted that it was time to allow redemption of that season of my life. So with that goal in mind I looked a few schools and quickly narrowed the field down to Grace. I applied and was accepted and decided to pursue this path without ever having been here. I just felt so clear that this was where I needed to be.

Now... I look around and I'm beginning to see the first fruits of why that might have been, But at the same time I can't help but be incredibly nervous due to the expectations of those around me, and that I hold for myself. I don't feel entirely confident that I can handle what is to come, and the incredible fear and pressure of not clearing this hurdle. But at the same time... I'm here for a reason, and Deut 31:6 echoes in my head almost constantly. I somewhat feel a captive to the calling that brought me here, but I also feel the prompting of the Lord that I love.

Because I have depended on this method of thinking and sharing where I'm at in a more genuine way than facebook status updates or text messages I've decided to continue. I don't know how frequently or any regular content guidelines yet (I imagine it'll be semi-similar to camp to start). But let's be honest, I've never really been good at keeping within the lines I drew in the past either so we'll just see what happens.

So here it is, Chapter 3 of the N quadrant, The Omahaian (or whatever you call someone from this city) Exile.

2.55 The one at the end, or the beginning...

As I post this... I just want to say thank you. Thank you to all of you that have faithfully read and encouraged over the course of two summers. Thank you to all of you that mentioned you read what I wrote and that it meant something to you. I could not have done this without that boost. I also am grateful for those that supported me financially and who kept me in your prayers. 

Without further ado... the last post of the summer. 

I was incredibly blessed to have a desire of mine satisfied by someone else at the end of camp. Our beloved Captain (as previously mentioned) arranged through his own labor and provision to provide a last supper for the staff on Friday night. Some of our number chose not to remain for a host of reasons but it was remarkably well attended. The food was simple, heartwarming, and delicious not only because of our fatigue but because of the quality and skill in its preparation. I recall many times at rainbow where we sat down to eat and said farewell (sometimes for the last time) and raised a toast to a job well done. I was blessed to do that again with this motley assortment of people before we went our separate ways.

I recall two years ago sitting in the end of the year meeting and sharing that through some insane process I had gone from this place being a place filled with strangers (none of which I had met) to a new family that I loved. Now a few years later I am filled with joy that even though I say farewell to some... This ministry is a part of my life, and as long as I am allowed to be involved I will do all I can to provide that opportunity to others.

I also cannot help but remember midway and at the end of last summer where we were so tired and frustrated that we could only put one foot in front of the other and just fight to keep moving but knowing we had to... compared to the joy of the race this year, not that last year wasn't good because it was. But that this year was better (the hope for every season eh?).

Since the crowd has dispersed and camp has once again become eerily quiet I look around and I see the ghosts and memories of a powerful place. I sit at the campfire as I write this and I can't help but remember dozens of campfire songs (or dozens of renditions of the same campfire song). I see the place where I first talked with my friend Kristy and how that inspired our annual “how are you” conversation that goes way beyond the simple answers. I see the road in front of cabins where I've deterred fights and stayed up late to make kids feel safe, and in the same place where I've seen pillow fights, and soda drinking contests... I see a line of kids singing African songs parading around camp, and I can hear the screeching of kids running for cover when the bizarre rainstorms hit. I hear the crack of rifles and the irregular chunk of a tomahawk hitting a target.

I look out over the hills and valleys and I remember hikes during training this year and last. If I look close enough I can see my friend Hunter running across the tops of the cliffs trying to get his space and spend time with the Lord he so obviously loves. I remember flag tag, grog, blop-blop, capture the flag, mission impossible, and alpha wolf. I can see three years of wranglers acting crazy at 10pm even when they got up at 5.

I remember walks with the captain and by myself, times when I was so broken I didn't know what to do. I remember pouring my soul out on this parched dirt not knowing what it would yield and being humbled by the grace and peace given through the people and places around me. I remember tears and blood shed in countless places to keep this work going and the faithfulness of so many different people.

I remember powerful men, incredible in their meekness and abundant in love, passion, and wisdom. I have witnessed them lead young boys without ever talking, and I've seen young eyes soak that in and want to be those men. I have stood among them and felt unworthy of their company, and blessed by their friendship.

I remember gracious women, never weak or breakable, but vulnerable and nurturing. I have seen mama bears rise up to protect the weakest among us and I've seen hugs and tears offered without judgment or condemnation. I have marveled from afar and am humbled that I call them friends and sisters.

I have stumbled and fallen time and time again. When a follower I've had leaders who pick me up and inspire me to greatness. When I aspire to lead I've had those around me who are gracious and kind to my mistakes and stumbling. And when I succeed I cannot help but give God the glory and those standing with me my gratitude.

Now I sit on the edge of a cliff... in a few short days I'll be moved in at school, and the next chapter begins. I know this is where I'm supposed to go, but I've never been there and know very few people there. But then again... this place I sit right now was strange and foreign three summers ago as well. Despite the speed bumps (and they are many as some of you know) It's time to stop swinging my feet here and hope the cliff breaks so I don't have to actually jump. Parachute or no... here we go!

2.54 The one that ends out the week of camp.

First off, this is not the end of the year wrap up. That's still coming... I figured I'd better end out the report on the week as a counselor before I try to say anything worth saying about the summer in general or the last week.

Thursday was a great day, we had a successful round of activities with my kiddos including rappelling (which they all tried, even if 3 of them decided not to go all the way down after a few feet) and a craft n whatnot. Typically Thursdays are the 'late' night for a counselor since all week we delay the kids who ask to stay up late and tell them that Thursday we will stay up late. Due to rain, behavioral issues, and just general tiredness a few of the counselors talked their guys into going to bed on time (or near it). Also a tradition that I've always been a bit envious of is that some of the counselors camp outside with their kids on thursdays... so not to be outdone or intimidated by these great counselors past, or the rain that was on the horizon, me and my 5 boys headed out of the cabin and camped out on the floor of the forts. As predicted it almost immediately began raining, thankfully it was fairly vertical rain so the roof of the fort protected us from the worst of it and allowed us to keep our sleeping bags dry, after about an hour of this (passed quickly with incredibly entertaining conversation and some really insightful questions about what it means to be a christian) it started to rain in typical Wyoming fashion, which is to say it began to rain sideways. This wouldn't be such a big deal except for the fact that the fort has an open window in all four walls. We rearranged so we weren't in the direct rain spot, but we could see a square puddle forming in the middle of the room. Somewhat unlike me I decided that I'd be a good example and suggest that we pray that despite the rain we'd stay dry and that we could even go so far as to pray that they rain leaves us alone. Being the great group of guys that I had they were really gung ho about this idea and 3 of them quickly volunteered for the honor of praying for us, it was quick and sincere and as the last word of “amen” was voiced the last raindrop hit the floor. From a downpour to nothing in a split second... and even when the drizzle resumed a few hours later the wind didn't return until the rain was done so the roof was more than sufficient to keep us dry.

The morning came early for me, but my boys slumbered on oblivious after sunrise all the way until I awoke them (as late as I thought we could without being late to breakfast). They happily cleaned out the fort and stumbled down the road with their bedrolls and we hit the ground running on the day. After a few short hours they boarded cars or buses and went home to their normal places and despite my exhaustion I felt a little part of me go with them. I wanted to do this job (counseling) again because I remembered it being a joy... I didn't remember as clearly the pain of putting yourself on the line for a week and hoping and praying that it makes an impact in the lives of these young men and women.

I reluctantly participated in cleaning and couldn't help but think that if I just cleaned the next bed maybe they wouldn't notice if I just slept in it for just a second... cleanliness was achieved and the good captain treated us to some delicious dead animal and whatnot for our last supper. I've been told I did a good job counseling this last week... I don't know if that's true but I do know that I loved doing it, I think I made an impact on my kids, and that the experience will make me a better wrangler, board member (if they ask me back) and director.

(the end of the year one is coming soon, it's usually very long and rambling and with the internet as annoying as it is right now it might need to be posted from town)  

2.53 The one about lake day n stuff

Yesterday was a great lake day. We got going in the morning and arrived at the lake mid-morning at which point I got the interesting challenge of making a point of playing with my kids while being blind... and not being able to see my kids. (or at least pick them out of a crowd of 100)

I got a few minutes to get caught up with a good camp friend (our annual check in) oddly it wasn't at a campfire this time but it was good. Unfortunately I feel like I talked for most of it... and I might have cried a bit during parts of the 'how has the last year been' thing. But even with that it was a blessing.

We returned to camp and the evening went fairly well, the only trick is that a few of the boys here have decided to stage games of hide-and-seek whenever they can, so those of us in guy cabins are really having to stay on our toes just to keep them accounted for. Really thankful for the fact that they do get worn out by the end of the day so bedtimes are relatively quick.

Today is another day of activities! My group gets to go rappelling among other things and I'm looking forward to it. We also are planning some sort of cabin party or stay-up-late thing tonight, and I'm not sure what that'll look like, but if the blog post tomorrow doesn't come until the evening (or at all) that is likely the culprit you can blame.

and breakfast approaches, back to it!

-Nick

2.52 The one about saturday and counseling.

Merry Wednesday to ya!

Saturday (as promised) was a great day, and a rough one all at the same time. I started out the day sleeping in for a while (yay!) and then discovered that there was very little food for the weekend (boo!) and even fewer of which was desirable (boo!) so a small group of us headed into town to run a few errands involving my wayward and non-functional car (very boo!) and the laundromat (meh).

Now to put the car woes in perspective, I somehow misplaced my keys in the last 2 weeks (^&*^&%) while my car was stranded in torington after it died a while back. I remembered that I normally keep a spare in the car so we used a nice lil coat hanger and broke in (yay!) during which someone called the cops on us (kinda neutral, annoying for us, good for the community) but the officer that responded was entertaining and kinda cute (yay!). From there we discovered that I did not have a spare in there anymore... (booooo)

I then made a flurry of phone calls on monday to various car-y type places, to get the car towed (it still is broken, we still don't know why) and to get a key made (so the other guys can work on why it's broken).
All of those things are in progress and I haven't heard anything since monday morning... (no news is good news maybe?) Please be praying about this... even if the car is dead for good I don't want to spend much learning that is a thing.

Counseling is a blast, I got a group of 5 boys and am paired with a group of 5 girls. The group we got is full of challenges and Monday-Tuesday lunch was a struggle to get them to stay as a group, participate, etc. but yesterday afternoon our boys anyway were much better about being involved.

I also got to have a bit of an impromptu hike with another camper who got a little overwhelmed by things and needed some space... it was 'fun' and as the mild sunburn fades in and the dehydration fades into memory... it actually was a bit enjoyable, and at very least it was quite memorable.

Thus far I love being a counselor again, It is filled with challenges I expected and many that I didn't know. I am glad to have this opportunity and the wranglers seem pretty happy without me looking over their shoulders.

Because I've got to get back to my cabin (my boys alarm goes off any minute) I'll throw the rest of the stuff I've got into a list for prayer, perusal, or whatnot.

-Pray that the group continues to grow closer and that friendships improve.
-I've got school coming up, and a move on top of that...
-School costs money and that stresses me out
-This is the last week of camp, and in about 55 hours we're done for the season
-When I get stressed my shoulders get all tense.. i'm doing the best I can with ibuprofen but it's still uncomfortable
-today is lake day
-there are 80 kids here for our camp this week (the largest one all summer)
-there are 160+ people here at camp this week (the largest group during any week)
 -a host of other things I don't have time to extrapolate...

I love you mysterious reader. May this find you well and may your adventures this season have been as magnificent as mine (or far more so)

-Nick

2.51 The one where i write a lot of things about a lot of things.

Wow... I think that's a new low. I haven't updated to you guys since Tuesday.

Let me first reassure you that the sick horse mentioned in Tuesday's post is now back to normal and is very happy and healthy once more.

Wednesday heralded the second pool day of the summer! I avoided getting sunburned this time and still had a great deal of fun swimming around and whatnot. I did notice in passing that I had far more lung capacity when I was a wee one, either that or I had such a short attention span that it seemed like much longer underwater than it does now.

Thursday we had two rides in the morning and a host of water games in the afternoon. The rides went smoothly and marked the last rides of the summer as a wrangler for me. I'll still be around to consult the others next week but this was it for me. It was a smooth day though and I really enjoyed it.

Thursday afternoon we played water games again and I was at least in part responsible for the pipe game (take a bunch of 3ft. PVC pipes and get water from a hose to a bucket a ways away) it was great fun and the winning time was to fill a 5 gallon bucket in 1:02. it was quite impressive.

Friday was a sad farewell to another 30+ kids who hopefully have fallen in love with this place... we saw them off, cleaned up a bit and then myself and 2 of the other guys on staff went on a little adventure out on the 6 wheeler. we found lots of exciting places... acted a bit silly and generally rested a lot. on our way home the vehicle broke down so we got the joy of towing it back to camp and hopefully it'll get fixed soon.

yesterday.... was a story all its own and as I don't have much time before I must leave for church. I'll tell it in a different post.

-Nick