Enough whining.. here's a good thing.

Ten days? wow... I'm really off my game.

Let's see... since I last wrote some things have happened and whatnot. but enough of that catching up and informing of things, this is after all a break from hermaneutics homework and thus should be celebrated by a nice solid ramble!

Hmm... I think I'll start with a few things that God has worked for my benefit since I've been here. First and foremost I couldn't imagine how easy and solidly I've connected at the church I'm at. I went to it because a friend invited me and because I promised several camp types that I would... When I agreed to both of those conditions I figured that I would just use it as the first in my line of church hopping before I settled on something strange, or decided to incorporate bedside baptist into my rotation and really focus on what Pastor pillow had to teach me.

Fortunately someone had better plans than I did. (read: hallelujah!) and that first visit stuck like a slug thrown against a brick wall. Not just because they feed us breakfast (which is a powerful motivator for us college types) but because of the power and passion of the teaching we get every week. Especially the last three sermons I've heard.

The first (available online here just go to sermons and then using money to build eternal relationships) was a tough one about using money as a tool. Combining that with a bit I've been reading in my wellness textbook about how certain disorders are partially classified by time spent thinking about them. I was really convicted about how I handle my money...
a) that I spend waaay too much time thinking about my lack of it and my debt.
b) that I don't use what I do have wisely to build relationships
c) that I'm not investing what I do have (non monetary things) very well either

So I resolved to pray about it and continue to struggle through making that better... and then a short two days later our pastor (also a professor here at Grace) spoke in chapel. He spoke about how when we worry and agonize over our anxieties that our God is too small. That if we TRULY believe that God is in control that we can present our prayers and supplications and then go to sleep peacefully because He's got it. And if we're concerned about people we can trust that He loves them FAR MORE than we do. It stuck with me and now I get to be anxious about how anxious I am... ;)

and then this last sunday we began a series in the book of Romans. I cannot tell you how nervous I am about this because I've been subjected (and blessed too) by sermon series that go through Romans. By the time it's done I hate the book... and just want something, anything different. But at the same time I'm looking forward to what I've got to learn this go around, an attitude I've never really had.

so that's what I got. For the sake of making me write again soon I'll end here and leave you with a quote that I think is appropriate.

"assume I can do things that make sense." -Dr. Eckman

-Nick

Not the post I envisioned when the week began

I started writing this update several times, but time and time again I found myself defeated by the maze in my own mind. I'd get lost in frustration or anger, or distracted by opportunity and joy. I often had other things clamor for my attention, some necessary and good like homework and time spent with dear friends, and some less so, like flash games and news feeds.

I wrestled with my mind and spirit time and time again and learned much, but understood little. And yes... this all happened this week. I'd like to share a few of the things that I learned this week... It is entirely possible that at some point you'll think less of me, but I also hope that you'll know me better.

I started off the week a bit behind... due to a bit of craziness and whatnot over the weekend I was not as on top of my homework as I would have liked, so the week became a dance between meeting deadlines (I made all but one of em) and maintaining my 'normal' life. Normal being eating food and sleeping enough n whatnot. I also had a few curveballs thrown my way in regards to the AC unit I've got sitting on my floor (and not making cold air in the window like it should be) and suchlike. I felt pulled in too many directions and as the temperature at night continued to climb I had lots of sleepless time to fume and grumble. Time better spent in prayer and battling my own flaws... but that took me a few nights to arrive at (I'm kinda dumb sometimes).

I felt the stirrings of unease about this becoming home. I knew a few people here... many of those that I do are great friends, but they've got one foot out the door or they're quite busy with their own stuff. I've had a hard time building my own space, and thus I have slowly felt the slow spiral toward me just snapping, or the darkness of a full shutdown looming. So tonight I took some time off... refused a host of things that I was struggling to decide between anyway and just decided that today was mine. Mine to walk the twisted corridors of my brain and spend some much needed time in contemplation and prayer. The only downside is that I haven't prioritized this kind of time since I moved here... and I think I might have initially offended some people with how I did so, especially since when I let myself get too worn down I'm less diplomatic about it. Combine that with the fact that a dear friend is back in town for the day (which I didn't know ahead of time) and it looks like I'm just being a bit of a jerk. Which I can't help but think is a bit true, but is still necessary.

In other news I'd like to share a few things that are worth recommending:

This  is a post my little sister posted a few days ago. It hit me fairly solidly as I was melting in my little closet of a room. Home is an ethereal thing and I'm still rebuilding one to rest in.

This  is another post I read a short time ago and perhaps reminded me of one of the reasons this place is tough for me. As any long-term readers know I lost my father last January, and now moving this far away from home I've also severed what little regular contact I had with my mum. I haven't really needed my parents for years thanks to their incredible efforts and training in that direction... this article highlights something that I miss. And articulates one of the many voids my father left in his wake.

So here I sit... Tomorrow morning a new week begins with the breaking of bread and worship together... I don't have a lot of clarity nor have I resolved the turmoil of my thoughts. But I know that He who brought me here is able, and despite my myriad of failures in all other things His call remains the same to Love Him with everything.

In my mind it's a bit like this...



When I think of everything else I should be doing better I get a little overwhelmed... but know Him better? that I can aspire to.

-Nick

The one in a bottle.

The following is a mysterious blog post that arrived via bottle. It should serve as evidence that I am in fact not-dead. You can blame the timeliness of its arrival on ocean currents and various other fancy things that make it sound less like I didn't get to it until now.

On the road again! ish... I'm currently in a town name Beatrice. why would I be in a town where they abuse rice you might ask? well... you sit right there and I'll tell you. I'm here because... I am here!

Actually I'm here because a friend of mine grew up here and decided that she was going to come see her family on this long weekend, and naturally being the social butterfly that she is she roped a few of us into going with her. (and me being the crazy person that I am I said sure! why not!)

Long story short we got here and participated in such wild and crazy activities like... nap-time! and watching the red green show! also walking around parks, eating Chinese food, and gobs (or at least smackarels) of good conversations.

It was a great weekend, very restful and encouraging. I only wish it had lasted a bit longer... *insert ominous foreshadowing music* but that is a different blog post indeed.

The one with a tree.

Here is a cool tree... under which I sat for several hours reading a book. At another point later in the week I spent even more hours sitting under this tree venting to a dear friend. Both times I had a squirrel throw some wee lil acorns at my head. I love this tree... and the fact that they actually have real trees here.

-N

The one where I'm going to bed before midnight! (just barely)

If you aint' got nothing good to write, don't write nothing at all?

The advantage and disadvantage of not having an AC unit in my room is that I can't really go to bed before the sun has been down a few hours... which is good because thanks to having lots of good friends and adjusting to new schedules I've been having lots of late nights.

I don't really have much else that I'm ready to put on the Interwebs for everyone to see. Suffice it to say that my mind is a fickle thing and there are few things that mess with it more than being tired. Hope this finds you all well and that you're not too disappointed by the lack of content.

Just keep swimming...

Here I sit at the end of the first week of school. I'm pretty worn out but it has been a good week. I've done fairly well at sticking to the crazy (at least for me) things I planned on doing. Things that come naturally to some like leaving their door propped open when they're in the dorm, or like participating in campus activities as much as possible. It's not that I'm chasing some misconception of a "college experience" but the last thing I want to do is isolate myself from the community around me. That is after all what I'm here for eh?

I did think a bit about it right before I decided not to skip an activity earlier this evening. I was reminded of the idea to "be where you are". Instead of looking too far ahead to camp, or midterms, or trying to line things up for after graduation (whenever that is) I should instead just be happy with where I'm at and try to engage where I'm at.

I don't really know the pace of life here yet. Nor do I feel like I'm excelling at anything yet. I'm barely keeping up with the homework load (hopefully aided by my books arriving on monday) and the problem with a small school is that all the returning students know everyone already, they're friendly but they've got a lot of history and that takes time to break through.

Also I fully realize that it's possible that other students here will read this. I'm trying not to be too self-conscious about it... because I still think it's worth it. And besides, true community takes a bit of vulnerability right?

-N
p.s. the photo is of a spot in downtown Omaha, I did not take it but I was there a few hours ago.

What's all this then?

I was impressed with the message at chapel tonight. So much so that it pushed me over the edge on something I've been considering for (checks the date on my last post) 7 days.

Tonight we heard a message about being afraid of success and how stupid that Idea really is. The Pastor used the example of Gideon and how even after God had proven his power and authority Gideon continued to ask for strange things to help overcome his concerns... As he was speaking I couldn't help but think that fit me eerily well.

Allow me to explain (or ramble). I recently (this morning) started attending Grace University after a few years away from academia. I dropped out of school at BHSU a few years ago, somewhat by choice and somewhat to avoid being removed from attendance due to rapidly declining grades. I struggled personally and spiritually for several years after that... and spent a long time recovering from that major failure in my life.

Back in December I felt convicted that it was time to allow redemption of that season of my life. So with that goal in mind I looked a few schools and quickly narrowed the field down to Grace. I applied and was accepted and decided to pursue this path without ever having been here. I just felt so clear that this was where I needed to be.

Now... I look around and I'm beginning to see the first fruits of why that might have been, But at the same time I can't help but be incredibly nervous due to the expectations of those around me, and that I hold for myself. I don't feel entirely confident that I can handle what is to come, and the incredible fear and pressure of not clearing this hurdle. But at the same time... I'm here for a reason, and Deut 31:6 echoes in my head almost constantly. I somewhat feel a captive to the calling that brought me here, but I also feel the prompting of the Lord that I love.

Because I have depended on this method of thinking and sharing where I'm at in a more genuine way than facebook status updates or text messages I've decided to continue. I don't know how frequently or any regular content guidelines yet (I imagine it'll be semi-similar to camp to start). But let's be honest, I've never really been good at keeping within the lines I drew in the past either so we'll just see what happens.

So here it is, Chapter 3 of the N quadrant, The Omahaian (or whatever you call someone from this city) Exile.